LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

on the horizon

2009-09-09T16:28:00.000-07:00

I have my second interview for a job next week; Tuesday at 1pm to be exact. Second as in the second one I've had here in quantity; I'm hoping this will be a one interview shot with minimal hoopage through which I have to jump.

It is working a coffee kiosk in a building. At the amazon.com HQ building. Oh wait, it gets better.....its 10/hr minimum plus tips to start, 40 glorious hours per week of day shift hours, with all weekends/holidays off as well.

So, just to summarize:
espresso based coffee shop job (just like the one I had and loved so, so much)
in the mecca of techie land
waiting on uber techs
during the day
for not bad money
did I mention a full benefits package?
oh, and for only $60/month, I can ride a green, high tech, electric train into the heart of downtown Seattle, and back home, passing the congested tri-lanes of I5, in under an hour total commute time AND walking time.

I think the winds have changed, fortune is about to be mine, and I am about to thoroughly enjoy myself.

Shot glasses + bits and pieces of refuse ==

2009-08-07T01:39:00.000-07:00

one heck of a good time!

Not like that.

Little M and I made us some "scrap crayons". Now, for those of you who didn't go to daycare centers that offered new, shiny, pointy-tipped crayolas for budding creative geniuses, allow me to enlighten.

One takes broken, dull, and otherwise over looked crayon refuse and melts them down. *remove paper first* Then, allow to cool. And presto, chango, you have new, psychedelic, chunky color chunks.

I admit, our first batch doesn't resemble the ones I ~~was forced to use as a child~~ I recall, but is life not an experiment, a procedure of trial and errors, by which we learn what does and does not work?

We had fun, recycled some otherwise useless crap, and I had something with which I could bribe her to get my work done (Murphy's Law: child will be grounded from all electronics, outdoor play, and anything else she may enjoy on the one day I actually have paying work.)

Without further adieu, here are our "bullet crayons":

fun stuff

2009-08-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

So, we had a pretty good weekend 'round these parts. The little M went off to her mother's to enjoy some Seafair this weekend (water festival in Seattle). N showed me some of the old stomping grounds from his days living in the city, including the U of Washington campus. As far as campuses go, it is gorgeous. The buildings are very gothic in nature, huge brick buildings with ornate trimmings, spires, and even a gargoyle or two. I like architecture.

Sunday we went camping. Very grab and go; we didn't take a tent, figuring if we had to vacate the campsite by 6 am we could just sleep in the jeep. And it was quite comfy. Did some hiking, took a few paths that were off the beaten trail, because with no kidlet, we could be slightly adventurous.

There hasn't been much in the way of precipitation out here this year, but we did come across one river that was full of water, with the falls rushing and echoing through the campground. I love water, even though I fear it a little, and could listen to it fall from level to level all day long.

I also took some time this weekend to do my toes. My toenails, I mean. I got a new pair of flip flops for 80% off the other day, very blingy, and figured the nails should match. This particular shade is Caribbean Blue. Enjoy!

breakin' records

2009-07-30T11:31:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday in the great NW was 106. That's right, triple digits. The locals are all screaming about dying, for they are unaccustomed to the heat. Personally, I am hot, but it is very low humidity (unlike Michigan's 90+ degree July/August, with 90% humidity), so as long as there is a breeze or a fan going to move the air, I can deal. I've been assured this is NOT typical, western Washington weather, but I am starting to wonder if my presence here has upset the weather Gods.

I'm kidding.

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I've been here almost three months, and I still have yet to meet anyone in the flesh I can call friend. I think I am starting to pull into myself again, and I am not liking it much. I'm slowly devolving back into the person I was before the big D, and I vowed I would never get there again.

Oh, but old habits die hard, lest we not stay awares.

So, in order to "pull myself up" by the proverbial flip flop strap (because here in heaven (or hell), we don't do boots when its >65 degrees), I've got a few goals for myself:
1. start volunteering at http://www.thehumanesociety.org/ the Tacoma Humane Society in August. They need all sorts, from care givers to "socializers" (meaning, play with the critters). I think I would like that; I miss my Cricket so much, and every time I see a dog out walking I have to stop and squee over it. I've heard so many owners of little dogs say 'wow, Flippy likes you, she didn't growl at all!' I'm the anklebiter whisperer, I think.

2. Find some likeminded parters in free pool partaking on Tues. nights at a local dive bar. I haven't shot pool since March, and I fear my skillz are going to be lacking. I couldn't care less about drinking, but if I see free pool, I want me some.

3. Talk to the N meister about locating someone to sit here at night once in awhile, so we can get out by ourselves. Not so much babysitting as 'making sure the house doesn't burn down while M. sleeps' sitting. We're cool, he does his things, I do my things, we all three do lots of things, but there hasn't been much his and my things, and I miss hanging out with him. Life has a way of eeking the free time out, and without M's gramma 'round the corner for sleepover Saturdays, we're overdue for "date night" or whatever its called.

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And that is about it. I had an interview yesterday, at a printing shop for a Customer Service Rep/graphic layout person. They are interviewing about fifty people, and taking their sweet ass time with it, so if I get a callback it will be in 2-3 weeks. I got there early (because a lovely lady gave me a ride, so I didn't have to walk 1.5 miles in 100 degree heat), waited patiently while the interviewer was late arriving, and basically came up slightly short in experience, but ahead in train ability. I knew the difference between vector and bitmap art, but I drew a blank at RGB vs. CYM channels (and it occurred to me later that I knew that....gar). I know photoshop, dreamweaver, flash, fireworks, but not InDesign, although they are all the same suite now and shouldn't take me more than a few hours to figure it out. I have no print experience, but plenty of examples demonstrating typography and layout work on the web. So, in theory I can be trained for the print industry, but realistically they may want to go with someone who already knows it. We'll see, I suppose. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and that is your over used cliche of the day, mi amigas.

Here we go again

2009-07-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

We live in the ghetto. We joke about it a lot; the buildings are older (70's two story row apartments) and were allowed to fall into disrepair before a new dude bought and took it over, and he is slowly and steadily trying to improve. He cleaned up tons of junk, mows the grass, has put in bids to replace things, and dutifully comes around to take care of little things here and there.

In truth, though, it really isn't that bad. We sit on our deck overlooking a small creek and watch ducks and raccoons play. It is fairly quiet, because the only people who come back here and people who live here and nobody wants to bring company over because the places are so jangy.

The one downside (other than being ghetto) is my downstairs neighbors. The woman can't talk below shrieking; she screams at the boyfriend, the kid, but talks to her 14 year old pit bull like its a baby. Last week they fought from the backyard all the way through their apartment, finally spilling out into the parking lot (which happens to be under our bedroom window). He told me later about the nose she split open punching him, getting locked out of the house, every day there is something to set her off and he just can't figure out how to not set her off anymore (classic case of emotional abuse in addition to the battering.) He can't leave because she works and he watches the kid to save on daycare, and he doesn't go anywhere because she gets mad if he leaves the house. Or has people visit him (I think that is what started the last big fight).

She's up early today; 9 am and she is outside, screaming already. I hope she has to work today; if not, they fists will be flying by noon. It is sad, I hate watching people in these situations, but I know how hard it is to see the reality of something and come to terms with the truth of it.

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My hair needs doing. The bottom half is a washed out black, and the roots are brownish with some light sunbleaching going on at the scalp. Not so attractive, I assure you. I'm conflicted; I like it black and it doesn't look totally fake, but I really want to do something kind of out there, like bright blood red or pink. In order to do that, though, I would have to bleach out the black, thereby frying my hair, and adding dye on top of it, which would render it to putty. I could cut it short, but it grows too fast to maintain it properly. Ach. When I get bored the first thing I change is my hair, and there is plenty of boring around here since I'm getting zero work coming in.

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I have a friend (we'll call Alice). Alice is very hairy. She shaves twice a day. She has to pluck chest hair. And now she thinks she's noticing a stash coming in. She knows she can't shave it, and nair makes her break out in hives and does nothing to take the unwanted hair away. What should she do? Any less abrasive remedies for unwanted hair that I can pass on to Alice?
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I didn't make it home for Liv's birthday, but she had a great day nonetheless. I talked to her on the phone four times, and hopefully she got my card and the pictures I sent her (a few of her and I together). My mom took this one of her over the weekend while Liv stayed with her; this is her birthday present:

Finally!

2009-07-16T22:20:00.001-07:00

I've been working on this for two months now (seriously...two months!), but she's finally up and running.....

http://starbellydesign.blogspot.com

I plan on rambling about all things design-y, tech-y, artsy, and possibly even fartsy. Maybe not so much that, but you get the drift. I've always wanted a respectable blog with a large following of esteemed colleagues.

Who am I kidding? I want the freaks and weirdos to show themselves, or at least share some of their secrets with me.

So, follow it, read it, heck, you might even pick up on how to format your own blog (it is a pain, believe me.)

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In other non-exciting news, I had to drink instant coffee all day. I found if I ran the water through an empty coffee pot first, with the powdered psuedo coffee in the bottom of the cup, it didn't taste completely like ass. I'm going to Safeway momentarily to get our usual store brand "columbian roast". Its only five bucks for a huge can, and the way we drink it (we both like our coffee thick. Not strong, thick.) it doesn't taste too bad. I'm all about splurging for an $8 bag of Italian Roast Ala Starbucks, but we are in a recession.

I also donned a tube top today. AND went outside. I have an issue with the maker of this top. It fits. Its comfy. Its reversible, so one side is solid green and the other is a white and green flower print. Very summery. It does a nice job of making it look like I have a figure. My issue is this...it is a size small. And yet it was cut for someone with up to a C/D cup size. Do the makers of clothing not realize that most women's bodies are in proportion to its various parts? It just annoys me...its like clothes in my size are literally made for sticks who got Dolly Parton implants. I bought the tube top during my summer of debauchery, when I began dressing like a ho (thats a joke. I'm not a ho. I used to be rather prudish in terms of clothes, is all.)

Happy weekend to everyone, I hear me, he, and she are going to load up the jeep and do us some camping in the temperate rainforest :0)

Back to Normal, or what passes for it

2009-07-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

I am happy to report that I am armed with an 88 day supply of chill pills. I've found a sliding scale if you are uninsured clinic as well (right here in Lakewood! its open during normal hours, five days a week!) so I'm going to make an appointment to cover the future stability of mental health, as well as check up on some things I've let slide since my last postpartum checkup 6.5 years ago. I know...bad me.

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I did some research on my camera (Kodak easyshare V1003) and I am pretty disgusted with the Kodak company. My mom paid a lot of money for that camera, and from what I read, LOTS of people have the 'turn the camera on and find out the lcd screen doesn't work' issue. Those fortunate enough to have a full warranty that hasn't expired are told that the ONLY way a screen can break is from the user. One guy had fixed his screen three times and it continues to just die at random.

I baby my camera. I have a neat-o carrying case, and when I don't use it, that is where it lives. I was going to buy a replacement screen (24.95 on ebay, free shipping!!), and keep my fingers crossed; I'm thinking now that I'd like to get a Canon or Nikon. Something that is built more for performance than for disposability and trendy colors. The pics I have taken over the last 3 months have been done with a camera that isn't working properly, over which I have no control with settings, and no fancy lenses or filters. I want to get my hands on a GOOD set up, and see what I can do with that.

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Speaking of picsies, I added some to the photostream. Forgive me, Sheila dahling, but none of my fireworks shots turned out :0( I did catch some wicked sunset colors over the sound, though; hope that will suffice!!

The inconvenient, slightly painful, and heartbreaking

2009-07-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

First things first. The hooptie died. That 1986 chevy celebrity, for which $500 was paid, ran out of gas last night and despite some $20 worth added (generously donated by some righteous peeps in Tacoma), could not find its get up and go.

I have no wheels at my disposal; luckily, it is sunny here most days (for now, at least) and the bus terminal is about half a mile away. I am not fully trapped, as long as the sunshiny holds out.

In other earth shatteringly boring news, I have a wayward ingrown toe nail that just won't give up. All spring, I was filing, buffing, pumicing, and lotioning so I would have uber cute, presentable toes; I go to do my first flip flop polish job, and thar she blows. A week later, she's still causing agony and, I fear, turning infected.

Oh, the things we do for beauty.

Moving on to the heartbreaking, I don't think I am going to be able to procure the necessary fundage to fly to MI to partake in my daughter's 7th birthday. Unless I get a mad number of jobs in the next few weeks, it simply isn't going to happen. She is a strong child, able to feel the upset and move past it rather quickly, but what has been getting her through the missing me is the possibility that I would come see her on her birthday.

She told me the other day when she sees airplanes, she cries a little because she knows I am not on it. Her teddy bear (one that the ex gave me when we were in high school) is now called 'mommy' so she can snuggle with it every night.

I asked her Dad if she could come live with me; he said no, he doesn't want them separated. My kids have all become very close over the last couple of years, and I can see that point of view; however, I think a lot of it is selfishness on his part, but I suppose one could say I was selfish for coming out here to begin with. The boys I think are handling me being away okay; a lot better than they handled not being with their Dad more, that is for sure. But Liv....I hear it in her voice, even though she's trying to cover it up. She misses me, and even though she has two brothers, two almost step sisters, one almost step brother, and her, she still wants to see me.

It breaks my heart, and there is no way I am moving back to Michigan. Selfish or not, there really is no point in both parents being unemployed with nothing for which to hope or work on the horizon. I am happy here, I love the area and the opportunities here; in some ways I feel more at home than I ever have before.

As for the fourth, I'm hoping to have a kickin weekend, full of relaxing, enjoyment of those in my midst, and seeing some killer fireworks over Commencement Bay (part of Puget Sound.) Hope you all have a safe and happy Weekend!

Oh, the things we do when we are bored

2009-06-25T14:24:00.000-07:00

So, today I get it in my head to do something I do once, maybe twice a year.

I did my hair. Seriously.

My hair and I have a love/hate relationship. I hate it, and it loves that I hate it. It is a jungle, a tangled mess of human byproduct that grows roughly 3/4 of an inch a month, getting thicker as it gets longer. I liken it to a brunette (well, washing out black with brunette roots) pothos vine that thrives in the jungle, until it has taken over, suffocating everything in its path.

A few (2) years ago, I gave up on my way cool, geometric, stacked bob. It got long enough to pull into a clip thing, and i forgot it. I also discovered that I inherited my mom's hair...as I get older, it gets curlier. Enlightened with this bit of genetic truth, I armed myself with some 'curl sculpting gel' and could seriously look like I'd done something with it in under two minutes.

Which is how I like it. I'm all about the low maintenance, yo.

Last month I cut about six inches off. Last week I took another four inches off. I normally don't engage in self cosmetology, but its pretty straightforward stuff. Besides, its curly.

Today though, I broke out the blowdryer AND the flat iron. I never do either, because well, its just a lot of work.

Half an hour to dry it. One layer at a time, doing it in three layers. Another half an hour to straighten it. Luckily, there is zero humidity here and very seldom wind, so it may actually look somewhat sleek for a day or so.

Oh, the ways we waste time when no one will retain our services.......

Nature Girl strikes again

2009-06-15T10:45:00.000-07:00

So, I camped this weekend. We found a State Park about half an hour away (there is a state/national park about every 47 feet 'round here), near Olympia. Got the tent and stuff set up by dark on Friday, and came home around noonish on Sunday.

All three of us needed this....separately and as a collective unit. Nate needed time away from technology...when he isn't working, he's driving, or he's working from home or working on his master's degree online. Or, he's getting phone calls from work, about work he did/will need to do.

Morgan's world right now exists of her being with me all day, and I think a lack of 'her and daddy' time was getting to her. She got tons of fresh air, exercise, one on one time with Nate, one on one time with some friends of his (they are great with her), and not much stress for two days.

I got some time to wander off by myself, and just sit around and talk with Nate, which we haven't been doing lately with all the working that goes on. I told him that I thought Morg's attitude problems and reverting to baby voice was brought on by the fact that she doesn't see him during the day and I am caring for her most of the time....even though I lived with them in GR, they still had a normal amount for them of one on one time; now, I'm here with her and then I'm here with her and her dad. I suggested he spend some time with her, just them, while we were out camping and that I would 'sit out' every few outings or so in the future. Today she is being an angel, getting off the computer right away when I said I had work to do, occupying herself rather than hanging on me....more like the little girl I knew before. I know the move has been hard on her, even if she doesn't realize it.

When we were putting up the tent, it didn't go up easy. We raised it twice and tore it down again because we couldn't figure it out. Almost two hours, we twisted rods and wrestled with nylon to get an 8X12 polygon tent to stay put. And in that time, we worked together on it, telling each other what we needed the other to do, then doing it. I messed up quite a few times (hey, I never claimed to be a structural engineer), and he would undo what I did then show or tell me the right way to do it.

He never raised his voice or blamed me for the pain in the ass way it was going. He never swore, or swung at anything. He didn't walk away or give up. In short, he acted unlike any other man I've seen in the face of adversity or annoyance. I told him that later, and he was slightly bewildered that I would have expected it. Sometimes I realize that the phantoms of my history aren't fully gone yet, but I do realize that Nate will never become THAT kind of man. Partly why I love him so.

So, it was a relaxing weekend for all of us, giving us each a chance to reconnect with each other as well as ourselves. Summer is just starting, and we're planning a few more trips between now and September-ish (or whenever the rainy season starts.)

Here are some snappy shots of the weekend camp-a-thon!

Feeling Better!

2009-06-08T16:24:00.000-07:00

For about a week now, I have been feeling just generally icky. One day it was a migraine, and then it was my on and off again stomach discomfort. Nothing major, just whenever I ate ANYTHING, it would be followed by a feeling like my guts were trying to explode outward. Nothing helped....tums, peppermints, eating slower and eating smaller portions.

When I realized my current rotation of jeans was beginning to fall off because I couldn't eat, I did what I do when I don't feel good....I hit google.

I don't have insurance. And if I did, I'd still just use google.

According to Merck, Mayo clinic, and web md, those are the common symptoms of a peptic ulcer, most likely of the gastric variety. Culprit....bacteria, which causes lesions, which is exacerbated by acidic foods, caffeine, and smoking.

That makes sense. I've had this problem off and on for almost a decade....when it flares up, I'd pretty much eat, lay on my tummy until it went away, and carry on. Eventually I would just stop eating for awhile at a hit. I've decided to cut back on coffee (down to two cups a day, rather than a dozen pots and so far no headaches or jitters), drink water like a chick dying of the dehydration, drink milk with meals (skim), and MAYBE go to the free clinic in Tacoma (since I'm almost 7 years since my last 'lady doc' appointment.)

I feel better than I've felt in ages. I slept until 1pm almost all last week; I don't do that normally. Here, I wake by 5 am since the sun is already up. I move from the second I wake up, either mentally or physically; last week I pretty much laid around or dozed, just too tired to do much.

I remember the time when I had bacterial colitis for two weeks without being able to rest; I didn't even pay attention to the fact that I was sick until I began bleeding out. I recall hobbling around with my slightly broken ankle, chasing after three toddlers. I remember driving to appointments with migraines, because things had to be done and nobody [the ex] would get off his butt or out of bed and handle anything so I could rest, and heal thyself. Not all his fault, I let him get away with it. I'm just glad Nate isn't like that (one of the many ways he is nothing like THAT).

So, today with this new found energy, I: cleaned from one end to the other, made home made chicken soup, planted a tomato, pepper, watermelon, petunias, and repotted my mini rose (which Nate got me because I seemed down a few weeks ago). Now I'm taking an afternoon walk with the Morglet, before coming home, eating dinner (with milk!) finishing a site, starting a new site, and potentially breaking in a birthday present.

Friday!

2009-06-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

So, the weather here has been fab. While the childrens and 'rents back home are dealing with cool, wet weather, we here in the "rainy" Northwest have been enjoying nearly 80 degree, sunny, no humidity weather for almost two weeks straight.

My tan is rocking.

I guess this is not typical (the 'warm' very seldom hits 80 and not until well in July. I'm enjoying it, just the same).

I have one site I'm waiting for content so I can whip up, and another lady who I believe is very close to retaining me. It is a relief; I swore after I left the shackles of my marriage that I would never depend on another human for my existence, and the fact that I am here not earning money has been stressing me. Nate does not see it that way of course, being one who also likes to earn his own way, take care of himself, and feels that my being with Morglet while he works is a blessing rather than a burden.

But I'm a strong, libbed woman, so I wants to make my own cashola. And that is going along nicely.

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I was sitting here last night, chilling and watching some Battlestar Galactica with the Nate, when something occurred to me. I don't know from where the thought came, and I hope it doesn't make me wicked or bad; I believe shortly that someone who is a monster, who hurt me and had a horribly negative effect on my life is going to die soon. I know he has been sickly; He is in his mid 60's and spend almost 40 years in the GM shops. I sat there and imagined (envisioned? saw? I can't describe it) his funeral. I will not go; I won't even be notified I'm sure, and that is fine with me. He ceased being family to me almost 24 years ago. I saw the funeral, his children and grandchildren, his wife (my aunt) of over 40 years all mourning him, remembering his strength as a Christian father, deacon of a church, patriarch and breadwinner in the image of the Father.

Its a bunch of bullshit, and while I will not miss missing the funeral, I would love to be there when he meets the maker and his eternal fate is determined.

I have been trying to figure out WHY of all people in my mother's huge family, I would have a random thought like this pop up. I have come to the conclusion that perhaps I am tied to him because of the effect he had on me as a child, what his actions did. I forgave him long ago, and I think I have overcome a lot of the effects. I don't know, I'm trying to make sense of it I guess.

Does that make me evil?

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Here is a pretty shot for today. Since I'm talking about semi-spiritualness, I figured I'd include a shot that seems almost heavenly:

And one because Foxgloves are my favorite wildflower, and I edited them all purdy like:

Enjoy your weekends!

And on with the show we shall be getting

2009-05-26T17:26:00.001-07:00

So, in response to an ad I found on Craigslist, here is my submission to get a gig creating a logo for a new tea company (who has their sights set on lining the shelves of Whole Foods, store of organic goodness, environmental friendliness, and where I can't afford to shop):

I sent it off, with a quote of two logo files for $40. Its a start up, and I really want a job to do and some money in pocket, so we shall see what happens.

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I am having dreams nearly every time I close my eyes. Weird, strange, and frankly, quite disturbing. Disturbing because there are people appearing in them I would rather not be, sometimes horrific things happen, and I keep dreaming about a baby....I can't have more, and I'm fine with that. But this waking up with constant images running through my head is leaving me just a little groggy lately. I've never been one to have good dreams, and I remember at least bits and pieces of most of them, if not the whole things.

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Now that the playing with photoshop is done for the day, and the applying for freelance gigs has been completed, I should get on with the picking up of the furballs, otherwise known as vacuuming. The resident baby hairball maker (Mars) is a Maine coon, with a poofy coat of fluff that likes to coat everything in its presence. He's such a bebe though, so I don't hold it against him:

Been up to lately

2009-05-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, this: New Website. I plan on buying a domain once I'm not broke, but as far as free hosting accounts go, its pretty good. No ads, tons of storage, and they don't mind if you host for free and link to another account. I may just upgrade, they've been pretty good to me so far. So hopefully can get the freelance thing up and running real quick like :0)

Also, have been sighting seeing a lot on the weekends. My camera is still broke (no viewfinder), but I'm getting better at eyeballing and adjusting. How did people take pictures before they had instant feedback?

I have a gallery at deviantart ( http://philleighmo.deviantart.com/ ) with more pictures. I am turning into a regular shutterbug, taking the infernal thing with me everywhere and looking for strange angles, tucked away surprises, and for that 'one in a million' shot that may otherwise go unnoticed. I am supposed to get my camera fixed under warranty, but it may be faster, easier, and cheaper to just buy an lcd screen and have Nate switch it out for me (again, having a tech geek as a boyfriend has its advantages ;0) I would LOVE to get a Nikkon or Cannon, but there are other things toward which $900 would be better used....like rent, or food, or flying back to see my kids.

They are doing well, my babies. Every day they sound happy, ask me what I'm doing and what I've seen. They are moving soon, out to the country where they will have a big yard, more bedrooms. I am grateful that their Dad has stepped up to the plate so much; I honestly did not expect him to be such a good full time father. He is enjoying it also, he sounds happy and his girlfriend and her daughter will be moving back in with him when he and the kids move. He's been pretty good about having the kids call my parents and taking them to visit my mother and sister, and my father.
I want to get something in motion where they can come out here and visit with us at some point this summer; they don't start school in Michigan until after Labor Day so I have a little more time than I would otherwise.

And that is what has been keeping me busy and relatively quiet in the blogging realm :0)

big ole batch of whatev

2009-04-30T17:20:00.000-07:00

First, borrowed from ETW (because stealing is just rude ;0)

1. What is your current obsession? Making money. I'm six kinds of broke.

2.Which item of clothing do you wear often? flip flops. If it is warmer than 60, my tootsies can't stand having socks/shoes on.

3.What's for dinner? Last night was Pizza Hut, and frankly I'm not much in a dinner mood today. I'm thinking I'll skip food tonight.

4.What are you listening to? The basement cat howling for attention again. Poor dear.

5.Say something to the one that tagged you. ETW...you rock. 'Nuff said.

6.Favorite vacation spot? Anywhere with lots of nature to take in, and photograph.

7. What I'm reading right now? I'm STILL working on the first Twilight book.

8. Four words to describe myself. Honest, passionate, compassionate, doubtful

9.Guilty pleasure. smokes. I know. Bad me.

10. What do you think you will feel about your life when all is said and done?
It was one heck of a ride, that will be fo sho.

11. What do you look forward to? Going to bed. I seriously need a recharge.

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Next on the to-blog-about list....I have a conundrum. Or, I am turning a non-issue into one, as I am apt to do on occasion. In this land of coffee, drive through espresso stands and chains and whatnot, there is a new trend....Sexespresso. Which means the baristas are scantily clad or wearing costumes that most men dream about...school girls, cheerleaders, or a g string and pasty combination. I too was mortified (turn the art that is coffee making into a T and A peepshow? Ach.)

They make $300 a day in tips. Plus the $10 an hour. Lets add that up, shall we? For an average 32 hour a week part time job, that is $320 in wages, plus $1200 in tips. Yikes. And they don't hook or anything, just flirt and look hot. Maybe it isn't so....bad....after all?

However, one must naturally 'look' the part. And lets face it...I've never had the kind of body that gets fantasized over. And wearing stuff that amounts to lingerie around strangers....I don't know if I could do that. I'm kind of private, in that regard. Unless I'm drunk, in which case I shouldn't operate a can opener let alone a steamer machine and cash register.

But there is a chain that is hiring 'fantasy' baristas. With a long list of approved costumes, some of which I could actually see myself wearing in public.
http://fantasiawear.com/ImagesCostumes/d4041-schoolgirl.jpg

So, the question is, do I attempt to apply for this, with my less than busty physique, and attempt to flirt my way to $1200 a week in tips, or take the high road?

**************************

My laptop died, and Nate has graciously hauled over his desktop for me to use. 32 hours without internet access and I liked to have hibernated in my crypt. I think he brought it over more for me to stay in contact with people than anything else; and I appreciate it, because one can only talk to the spiders for so long before they move on to bigger and better things.

Edits

2009-04-24T12:25:00.001-07:00

I am going a little crazy with Photoshop these days. Here are some of last night's time killing session:

I'm getting better at just plain retouching. The original was actually a pretty good shot of me (something I NEVER say), but I wanted to take out all the background and add just a touch of blur. Original:

Edited:

This is an old friend of mine, with a zombie added plus the background I found. Lots of editing, erasing, and layering but I think it turned out pretty good.

These were not mere exercises in time wasting; nope, they are going in my portfolio under 'photo editing skills'. There are a few photographers in the area who hire freelancers with mad retouch skills; I am hoping to develop those so I can broaden my freelance from home horizons.

OK...now what?

2009-04-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

So, it seems that my newly found hobby is taking a backseat for the moment. Oh, there is plenty to photograph; I have plenty of time yet to wander aimlessly, snapping shots at will. I pulled the (new) girl out of her case the other day, and there was a big leafy looking thing in my viewfinder.

'Hon, what is this?' I asked the super duper techy dude I know.

'Your lcd screen is shot.' he says.

Well, crud.

I can take pictures, but no zoom. No adjusting the shutter speed, or the option to see if I have flash on/off/auto. I am not sure what happened. I charged it overnight, then carefully wrapped all cords and bound them with the twisty ties, before tucking her neatly into the padded and zippered case.

Kodak says since it is less than a year old, they will replace it, once I get the receipts, shipping order, and other paperwork from my mom and send it all to them. Within a few weeks I will have the replacement, but lo! The roses are going to burst any day here.

*************
I am searching out some new people to meet and hang out with on occasion. Other than Nate, I really don't know anyone in Seattle. One of the nicest things about him and our relationship is that he doesn't feel the need to know where I am every minute of the day, nor does he get a bee in his bonnet if I want to go do something in public without him. And I trust him enough to extend him the same attitude. I think he is feeling like I am pining away, lonely in my room, while he is working or during the week, which really isn't the case but he's a 'taker-care-of' as well. So I figured if I meet a few more people, get out and about a little more, he'll stop worrying and feeling guilty that he can't entertain me 24/7. Once his jeep is fixed (needed a new engine), I will have a 1988 chevy celebrity to drive around and that will help a little. I have no problem walking, but my feet need a few days off to heal from the blisters I seem to have given myself.

*************

I am working on a new portfolio page so I can get the freelancing thing here up and running. Last night I did some more photo edits; they turned out pretty good, and I made an image with brushes and about six layers. Once I know where the 'undo' button is, there is no stopping me ;0)

*************

I think the sun is coming out for a bit; maybe a quick jaunt up the street won't be so bad.

The straw that broke the camel's digestive tract

2009-04-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

So, when I left Michigan on April 1, I undertook a life of travel, with the day to day living being as conducive to life on the road as possible.

Since that time, I have been mainly existing on fast food, the occasional 'side salad' (meaning: cheap ass green iceburg lettuce, carrot shreds, and under ripe tomatoes), and epic portions of family sit down chain restaurants, ranging from home cookin' to chinese.

Really, it wasn't too bad. I have never been one to have to meticulously watch calories, and Lord knows I'm walking enough to count as exercise.

But my tummy does not handle excessive grease well, nor does it like red meat much these days. So, I've been careful to order what I am fairly certain I can tolerate.

Yesterday it blew up in my face. Well, my colon actually.

Cinnamon French Toast. Sounds innocent enough, does it not? One of my favorites, regardless of the time of day. And it was a Sunday brunch outing, so I figured that would be okay; definitely better than say a 12 oz chunk of Black Angus, fried in its own grease.

The menu failed to mention that this was cinnamon TEXAS toast; three full slices of cinnamon texas toast bread, soaking up at least half a dozen eggs. Drenched in a coating of butter (not margarine or 'I can't believe its not butter', but good ole' American sweet cream, home churned butter. Plus, drowned in caramel sundae topping, finished with dollaps of whipped cream (the can kind, so it was pretty).

I nearly threw up then. I like my french toast with butter, and that is it. I don't want dessert for brunch; I am not much of a sugar person in the morning. I thought scraping the sauces and garnishments of Willy Wonka variety would suffice, but that darned toast bread sucked it up, I think.

The intestinal cramping began late last night. This morning, I simply hoped I would have a vomit session or three, and call it good. No such luck. I am feeling better now, although the water bill may be higher than normal, given all the flushing that was going on.

Once I had my inner sense of self restored to almost normal, I ventured out to pick up some groceries. I think for awhile, it will be salads, ground turkey, lots of water, and a few lean cuisine meals.

I will definitely pay more attention to descriptions, especially where my beloved french toast is concerned.

Not bad, but not great...just weird

2009-04-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

After two years of living in my own place, paid for by moi, and sharing a space with basically the male counterpart of myself, I can definitely say this renting a room thing is a completely different world.

I am in the basement. I have a private in/out door, with my own key. I venture upstairs to make coffee, use the facilities, or take a shower. Otherwise, I chill here. On the computer, or sleeping.

The housemates stay in their own quarters as well, but are friendly and helpful if we cross paths. They worry about me, because I don't eat. At least they never see me eat. I don't eat in front of people I don't know....its a hold over from the eating disorder days, I'm sure, but I am definitely taking in enough calories to offset the walking four miles a day I have been doing.

Its just weird, to look around this beautiful house (40's northwestern craftsman, recently painted and floors refinished) and feel as if I am more or less an intruder here. Yeah, I pay them money so I can call a corner home, but that is basically what I am.

Its comfortable. I have everything I need (shower, bed, coffee pot). There is a cat that lives in the basement who comes to see me, so when I need a snuggle I can get it. I come and go as I wish, without being watched, and I live in a rather centrally located part of the city.

Our goal is by June/July at the latest to find a place; Nate is living in his own roommate situation for now. He feels the way I do....its more good than bad, but its not his own space, which he is used to having. We figure by J/J, we'll have money saved up (each independently, we don't do the combine money thing), time on jobs, take care of some loose ends, etc.) I'm on the lookout now, scoping areas and seeing what is available in a certain area; I'm looking at three bedrooms, because I want to bring my kids out for a while this summer. I think they would get a kick out of the area.

And the green flag waves

2009-04-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

I arrived around 9pm mountain time (a little late, we had to wait for some connectors. I guess there were delays in Chicago, and we were being thoughtful.) The flight was the longest I'd taken yet; nearly 2.5 hours, up along the rockies from Denver.

It was raining when I got here, and dark, so I didn't get a good look at anything, really. I spent my first day here sleeping, and today I finally got to venture out, walk about 30 blocks, and see this new place I intend to make my home.

This area, west-of-the-mountains Washington, is beautiful. In early April, the roses are leafed out and ready to bloom. Flowering shrubs have flowered; grass is thick, green, and already mowed. The sky is so clear (when it is sunny, as it has been for 2 days now). It is ethereal for me to be here; for so long I have wanted to at least visit, and more than once I tried to talk the ex into moving here.

I have yet to see downtown Tacoma, and should I figure out the rather insane bus schedule/routing system, I may get to do that. We may venture into Seattle this weekend, Nate and I, or we may hit some parks for some hiking.

I saw him yesterday for the first time in two weeks. It was the first moment in the same span of time that I felt alive again, and not just plodding along, going through the motions. We do that to each other, feed off the other's energy and vitality, which gets stronger the longer we are near each other. It is strange, to be around someone who exudes so much love, to feel nothing but trust and acceptance. His roommate situation is about fifteen minutes away from mine, which worked out quite nicely. The plan is by June or July, to be in a position where we can get a place together (unless the roommate thing drives one or both of us crazy.)

I like my roommates; a couple with a 14 months old little girl and another on the way; he installs direct tv and she entertains the peanut (as they call her). The other roomie is a guy in some sort of law enforcement program, but I've only seen him once. I hide out in the dungeon room, with my own private entrance/exit, and surface when I require a coffee refill or to use the facilities. I told them I'm not anti-social, I am just private, and I want to get working asap, which means I'll be on the computer or out hotfooting it most of the time. And they are cool with that.

So I am in an area I have always wanted to see, in an arrangement that is to the benefit of all involved, fifteen minutes away from the man I love. I talk to my kids every night (afternoon for me), and they are happy to be back 'home', seeing their grandparents and aunts/uncles, telling their friends of their spring break trek to New Mexico, then back. I won't lie, it is hard being away from them, but I'd rather they be where they are comfortable, with people who love them and can give their dad a hand if he needs it. I want to go see them next month, around my mother's birthday.

I know the rain will come eventually, but for the meantime I am enjoying this picturesque spring like weather, looking into all the possibilities that I can find, and keeping my eye open for the a place where Nate and I can be home together, again. Expect photos, once I get the camera unpacked.

New hobby

2009-04-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

For Christmas, my mother got me a replacement digital camera. My other one was awesome, free (my brother's fiance is a photographer, and she bought it but never used it so passed it on to me.), and met its demise when Jamie P. discovered there were no batteries in it, and he could not snap a shot or two of himself (he is a camera ham), and he chucked it down a long hallway where it smashed into the wall.

So, my new camera is a Kodak Easy share, 10mega pixel (I turned it down to 8 though), and with the SD card can hold about 1200 pictures.

I do not take good pictures of people. They are either blurry, out of focus, the lighting isn't right, whatev. I take pics of my kids to document their growth, remember activities, etc.

I seem to have a knack for nature photography. Along the way to New Mexico, I snapped some while the car was moving along at 60mph; they turned out phenomenal. I got some from the zoo, of animals, that are rather amazing.

I have taken roughly 1000 pictures along this journey; most are on my facebook. I have a deviant art account, and I've put a few up there that have received some rather humbling appreciation. Since I live to entertain and bring cheer wherever I can, I've uploaded some to photobucket to share with you:

Enjoy!

A Rave!!

2009-04-09T11:53:00.001-07:00

There is a brand of Microwave Chinese food that I simply adore. Its called Tai Pei, and they sell it at the hegemony that is headquartered in Arkansas. Not only does this stuff taste GOOD, its filling (one carton does the trick), fairly cheap ($2.50 per carton), and it is reasonably healthy. Not high in fat, not high in sodium, packs some vitamin A and C, is fresh frozen (so no preservatives), and no Mono Sodium Glutamate (MSG...that crap tricks your brain into thinking stuff tastes good and shuts off the 'I'm full' sensor in the brain).

I'm eating one now, for lunch in my studio suite thingee, and it tastes absolutely fab. Doing Pepper Beef, but there are a variety of chicken (General Tsao's, Teriyaki, Orange, Spicy stuff) plus shrimp (I don't eat shrimp...its squishy.)

So, next time you are perusing the store of doom to stock up on snacks, look down the frozen ethnic food aisle and see what they have. If you or your kids dig Chinese food, they are great, filling, cheap, and good to have on hand.

And on with the show shall we be getting.....

2009-03-11T06:43:00.000-07:00

Been a busy week thus far, and shall only proceed to become busier as we creep closer to that for which we all yearn....WEEKEND!!!

I actually have something exciting happening for a change. I'm leaving in the wee (4a.m.) hours of Friday morning and flying to Detroit, then to Maryland. I have never been on a plane. I have never been out of Michigan, save Ohio (and lets face it...it ain't much different). I have never traveled anywhere alone, without the kids (unless we count grocery stores, court hearings, or gynecologists appointments traveling.) I am looking forward to it, being but a speck on the busy canvas of humanity. I like to observe people...it is amazing what one can learn from another simply by watching how they act when they don't think they are under a microscope.

I'm hoping the weather out that way is nice and warm and seasonal...Maryland is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from Virginia (my place de birth..) and it was almost 90 degrees in the end of March the year I was born. I'm taking the flip flops just in case, along with a wool coat. Be prepared, thats my motto.

*************
I finished my first SEO-ing job, have another lined up already, have to put a payment portal on a site I created last month, and work on a graphic for that as well. That all right there is about $600. WTF? $600?? And that is actually working 'cheap', since I charge about $20 an hour due to my limited portfolio. Which is becoming a little more unlimited....I think I deserve a raise ;0)

I am finally getting a tablet. I found a barely used one for $50; these things retail for about 300+ bucks. Should make editing much easier (laptop mice are soooo touchy), and just in general creation easier. I almost wept when I got an email telling me someone had one. I am all about Craigslist these days, yo.

****************

Anything else....its an old friend's birthday today. http://annstorer.com She is an amazing artist, in both the classical sense and the digital sense, and I absolutely love her work. I was glad when I found her online, because as talented as she was back in the day she had little confidence in it. Its good to see that she kept at it, but has also undertaken new methods of creativity. So, stop on over there, see what she spins, and wish her a happy day!!

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For boring randomness, I have $17 left on a CVS pharmacy store gift card. I'm thinking some new make up is in order, perhaps something organize-y so I can look all official and business-y when I meet with clients. Or maybe I'll blow it all on a bag of Verona whole bean Starbucks coffee. *sniffs deeply* Whatever I do with it, I'm not buying t.p. and milk, that is for sure ;0)

Its not full time, but.....

2009-03-08T17:50:00.000-07:00

I'm getting paid to blog!! Here is a new one....http://extremewalls.blogspot.com

This is the company for which I am doing optimization, and one of my 'services' is setting up and posting to a blog. Basically just to get the link out there, and get followers, who may turn into customers (who has a messy garage........?)

So, check it out, follow if you are so inclined, and visit the website frequently!!

Somber mood 'round these parts

2009-03-01T13:22:00.000-08:00

Well, its been a long week. Started last Sunday, with hearing the moving news. I accept it, half the time I really truly believe that at some point I will have the blessings of at least the court to relocate, or that my ex husband will let me have them so they see some of the world, have more chances than are available around here. I won't though, he is too selfish.

I don't feel abandoned, not really. He says he wants me to come, and I believe him. Its more like I've realized something, particularly this time around....I am not meant to find one person. I have yet to find anyone that can stick with me and not be miserable. The happy ones go their ways on good terms with me (which is fine, having bosem buds is great). The one that did stick around the longest was miserable the whole time, though.

I'm kind of numb though, particularly when a week before he decided to move I told him he didn't have to go solo anymore. I wanted him to know that I am here to help, work toward the same goals and whatnot. Instead, he's heading out on his own.

I am so tired of this part. The watching the door shut, seeing the backside of people. How can people care so deeply for one another, let people in over and over again and just have it be a complete waste of energy?

If the long distance thing ends up not working out, I think I am done. For good. It is my role in life to make others feel loved, show them what I am as a person, for them to take with them as they continue. I am happy single, I do not need a relationship to define me; but I am social, I am a nurturer, and I am out of sorts in a way if there is no one for whom I can care.

*********************************************

I heard from another company with whom I'd interviewed that I don't quite have what they need. Thanks, but no dice. After driving one hour to talk, then spending two hours talking and touring, and another hour home. I still haven't heard from the Kalamazoo guy, but like they say, why do on Friday what you can put off until Monday?

********************************************
I'm kind of in a mood towards the ex today, too. Seems that someone from PR passed away today. I heard a few years ago he'd had a brain tumor and got through that; it came back, and after putting up a fight, he succumbed earlier today. He leaves a wife and two little girls. I was not friends with him, but in that small of an environment you knew everyone, just the same, and their families and their in law families, etc. So I feel for everyone 'back home' who is seeing this first hand.

My ex husband has been in remission for two years. As soon as he was 'better', we split. This is the time of year the shit hit the fan, two years ago, and it seems to be a hard time of year for me since then. I suppose that is selfish of me, I wasn't the sick one and I wasn't the one who thought I might die, I didn't lose body parts. And yet, hearing that this other young man (30) lost his battle, and won't have the chance to watch his children grow, or spend the life he thought he would have with his wife, I guess I feel like the old boy just sort of squandered an opportunity.

I hate moods like this, because I know he could never be what I needed, nor I to him, but every now and then I feel very.....cross....with him.
And this is one of those days.

*************************************

Good news....end on a happy note, that is my motto. Lets see....I got nothing. Check back tomorrow.

Bag thing from ETW

2009-02-19T06:54:00.000-08:00

I am not a girly girl. Sure, I can polish up with the best of them, but in my day to day life, I just don't care. I didn't even break down and GET a purse until I had a child; after leaving the meager coin purse I carried all important info in on top of my car for the tenth time and losing it (and subsequently sifting through parking lot grime to retrieve it), I broke down and got one.

Today, I go for complete utilitarian function at as reasonable price as I can find. I got my current 'purse' from someone; it is a mini scale dickies messenger bag. Its black, has an adjustable strap, and a velcro closure. It zips shut, should I remember to do so, but it doesn't matter since the super duper velcro technology holds all in place anyway.

Inside, one finds my orange, red, and yellow striped checkbook cover (a $19.99 steal in pure leather, from some mail order check company) with license, soc card, biggby rewards card, refillable starbucks gift card, a card for a free pair of unmentionables from Victoria's Secret, debit card, and checks. Which I don't use because I'm all about earning rewards with the debit card.

To keep that boring stuff company, there is also nail glue (super glue), three ink pens, a really neat index card thing with a green foliage print cover, a date book/planner thing (I broke down and got one). Also, my mp3 charger, phone charger, a flash drive, .63 cents that I haven't put in the change stash, a lighter, nail file, and a polished stone heart that I have, but don't remember why?

A picture of my children, receipts, my spare car keys, a cinnamon disk in wrapper, a bobby pin, and finally....a folded up map and directions that I printed off Google.

That is a lot of crap to shove in a purse that is about 6 inches long, three inches wide, and four inches deep. But hey....it is utilitarian, and does the job.

Meh

2009-02-16T16:30:00.000-08:00

The step dad is fine and should be returning to work tomorrow. He got an up close and personal view of 'the best cardiac care unit in the midwest', and given a clean enough bill of health. I guess they are chalking it up to 'you're getting old so slow down'; I passed along the term tachycardia, and he'll be looking into it.

Mom made it fine, Jen was a bit more of a wreck than my mother, but it seems the adrenaline rush they were all feeling has subsided a bit.

My brother finally proposed to his girlfriend, which is awesome because I love her. I haven't heard any details (when, where, etc) but knowing those two, it will be a bit until they are 'in the right place'.

************************
I finished two jobs last week, and am still trying to find something in house and permanent rather than free lancing for good. I like free lancing, it is definitely convenient, but there isn't much in the way of predictability in it. I need that, I think.

It is getting sloppy here, with the snowing, melting, freezing, melting, and snowing again. I call this the fifth season of Michigan....mud. It wants to be spring out so bad; it is early for it, no question of that, but the critters, the people, even the sky itself seems to be ready for the long, cold, dark cover of winter to disappear so life can get back to the growing cycle once again.

***********************
I've come to realize something about myself. I am one of those who does not handle relationships well when it gets past the 'starry eyed, shiny' phase. Most take this step from adoration into something of a deeper level as a good thing, but for me it tends to conjure up memories of the marriage. Oh, Nate is nothing like the ex...I spilled a glass of wine the other day, and not only was he not mad, he also helped me wipe it up, joking about my 'alcohol abuse'. The ex would have screamed for no less than four minutes, gotten mad when I got upset about that, then not spoken to me for two days.

But I expect it to start at any moment, and I don't know why. I expect to start hearing snide comments of condescension, being chastised for the thoughts and actions I take. I know he won't, it just isn't his nature, but I thought I was over the first part of my relationship life. In some ways I am, but I suppose the haunting will go on for awhile. It took 12 years to devolve to what it did, and it won't be erased over night (or over 2 years, I guess.)

Perhaps that is why I've been funkified for the last few days. It is going on two years since he went into remission, went back to work, and life stopped being what I knew. I wouldn't change a thing I've done, but that doesn't mean remembering what I felt is any less painful. I don't dwell on it, but sometimes the smallest thing will jog my memory.

Case in point...Nate and I were having Thai Friday, at a little place. Just the two of us in there, buffet-ing. I told him I was getting in touch with the jobs I'd done to get paid, and it felt funny charging hundreds of dollars for these sites (I haven't made any professionally yet.)

He says don't, it is time consuming, tedious work (particularly the formatting), and I'm actually cutting them a good deal with what I am charging. Basically, he's saying I'm good at what I do, and I'm worth the money, if not more. Good things.

I then recall my ex making the comment that just because I can make a website doesn't make me special. I had showed him one I'd been working on, years ago (this happened years ago, I mean), and that was what he'd said, before walking away. I'd see jobs looking for designers while we were together, and mention applying, and he'd say I didn't have enough experience, they wouldn't hire me, blah blah blah.

Those are the striking contrasts between Nate and the ex that stick out in my mind. I love him because he treats me very well, and appreciates how I treat him in return. Yet I fear he will become that other sort of man, the kind that fears success and ambition from others....I know he doesn't.

But I still expect it, and I don't know why.

The Good, the bad, and the holy hell.

2009-02-09T19:51:00.000-08:00

The Good: As of right now, I am working on two projects. One pays me $20 an hour, and the other will be roughly $200 once it is complete. And, I'll have another 3 sites to add to my portfolio. Both of those came from a three line ad I placed on Craigslist just over a week ago. Not too shabby, methinks.

And I finally tracked down the url for the site I did for free....twice....right here. Go me.

I had an impromptu phone interview these evening, for a receptionist position for which I applied last week. Interesting thing about this job is that they want someone capable of doing office-y stuff AND creative, marketing stuff as well. Lucky for me, I talk out of my ass pretty well on the fly, so I think I might get a call back to meet them in person. The job won't start until April, but as long as I keep a thing or two going on the side, it should work out pretty well.

*********************
The Bad: My stepfather Bob had a 'cardiac episode' over the weekend. I think his heart got stuck in turbo mode and couldn't slow down. His heart rate was 200+ for at least 35/45 minutes by the time my mom got him to the hospital (and despite my mother's anxiety issues, she is THE PERSON you want in an emergency.) He was shocked twice to get a steady rhythm, and neither attempt worked so they pumped him with drugs. Tomorrow I am going with mom to Munson, where he is being transferred so he can get a stint put in.

He isn't fifty yet, and he is in fairly good shape. He never sits still; he's always moving or doing something. He watches what he eats, always has. He doesn't drink anymore, and he never smoked anything harsher than extra ultra light 100s, and he quit a few years ago. We're all scratching our heads, because he is the person we thought would be the least likely to have any medical condition, never mind having heart problems at this point in his life.

So, hopefully tomorrow they will know what happened, why, how to control it, and whether or not he'll need angioplasty or a bipass or just a little stint. Mom is doing pretty well, considering, and Jenny is a nervous wreck because THINGS ARE DIFFERENT. She's had a rough few months (note for people who have not known me half my life...my sister Jen is developmentally disabled. She's 33, lives with my mother, and is (on good days) about 10 years old mentally and emotionally. Change is not her friend, and unless she has plenty of time to adjust to the idea of something being different, it does not go over well. So, if you'd all say the prayers and whatnot, I would appreciate it. I've grown fond of my step dad over the last 13 years.

***********************
Holy hell!
I found where I want to live: RIGHT HERE!! This place is gorgous....in a very nice neighborhood, sort of a mini-bohemia area of town, its cheaper than most 2 bedroom duplexes AND I could bring Cricket!!! That is the holy part.

The hell part is that Nate is, I believe, ready to give up on finding employment here and is going to be loading up the new jeep to trek outward to Seattle. That in itself is a bridge I won't consider let alone cross right now, but I have a feeling if I spring the whole lets rent this place! on him before he has a 9 to 5 er, he's gonna think I've lost it. The hard part of two independent people who are used to being the responsible ones in relationships coming together is that each automatically acts unilaterally, and often forgets there is someone else there willing to pick up slack. I do it, he does it, and even though we are together, and living in the same place, sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get to the point where we aren't functioning autonomously out of habit.

Seriously, his ex is exactly like mine....I think they could be soulmates.

And so....

2009-02-04T12:51:00.000-08:00

I have finally succeeded in securing that which I thought I'd never hear my parents utter:

"I never thought you'd do this".

That is right, I seem to have run out of ways to shock, awe, disappoint, and disturb them. I moved in with Nate, finally, all the way, and they are still carrying on about it.

Never mind that my brother has been living with his girlfriend for two years; that is different. He doesn't have children. Eh. Whatever.

********************************

On a happy note, I finally have a Portfolio!!! up and running. Even the little email me box works, go me. Feel free to check it out umpteen times, because that makes google think I am cooler than I really am and I get a better page ranking.

Still no job, but holy cow am I applying for them like a mofo still. Keep the fingers crossed, I really am starting to feel sort of loserish these days.

And so, the pouring begins.

2009-01-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

Seems the last two weeks of resume sending, job apping, and submitting my 'professional' gmail account to spam-bots has not been in vain. I had an interview today (it went well, I should make it into round 2 next week. Why? Because I stated that I like to know what I am supposed to do, and be left alone to do it. Apparently, that is a quality in short supply these days.), one tomorrow, and am seemingly in negotiations with a coffee shop owner to work there.

Hurrah! Being that I have OCD and like to make scenarios in my head (which don't always pan out), I think its going to go down something like this:

1. I work at 7-11 (interview tomorrow) until I hear from THE GOOD JOB that I interviewed at next week. I put in a week of minimum wage, alcohol, tobacco, and lottery ticket peddling, then leave the poor overworked manager hanging high and dry when the full time, admin. assistant position (who liked that I like to work without a babysitter) calls me.

OR

2. I work 2 part time jobs, the 7-11 AND the coffee shop, until the coffee shop realizes that I am indeed an artiste with the espresso, and just lets me work all day, everyday, and eventually sells the shop to me. (Okay, that is a bit of a stretch).

OR

3. The GOOD JOB wants me, and I want the coffee shop, so I do both since I really don't have anything else to do and I am a workaholic by nature, and since I'm not raising chitlins but alternating weekends, I could do this.

Either way, I had an interview! I have another one! A coffee dude is talking to me, and I have one W2 and one on the way. Things are looking up, and I'm so happy I could hug an alpaca.

Seriously.

Six things

2009-01-18T08:34:00.000-08:00

Er, six non-important things about me.

1. I have the same size feet I had when I was 12. In fact, I stopped growing after I hit twelve. Can't say the same for my weight, but I'm good with it.

2. I have to sleep on my left side, on the edge of the bed. If I fall asleep anywhere besides the edge of the bed, I push anyone lucky enough to be there with me off the bed in my attempt to get to the edge.

3. I used to play a game with Connor when he was in Utero....I'd poke my belly, and he'd grab my finger. Honest to gosh! It was fun.

4. I like my music loud and my piano music classical. I'm working on perfecting Moonlight Sonata.

5. I have a funny approach to guys.....if I see one that is interested in me, I will basically give him permission to approach me in some way. If I'm not interested in someone, I get very uncomfortable by advances they attempt. I don't know if that makes me bitchy or just very selective, but like I told some ass at a bar last week, 'if I want your attention, I'll let you know.'

6. I am still addicted to butterscotch and cinnamon disks.

Saturday-ness

2009-01-17T06:32:00.001-08:00

Another installment in the chapter of 'Oh, No he DIDN'T':
I got a call yesterday from another former co-worker at that place; apparently, what I sent wasn't good enough. When I design I make a mock up, just a visual of where I am thinking of heading with a project, so the person for whom I'm making it knows what is coming. I explained that it MIGHT NOT LOOK exactly like it (because IE does not nice things with CSS), but the general layout/color scheme/content would be the same.

They, J and the Pastor for whom it was made, want me to redo it. Personally, I think this is turning into a pissing match between me and J (who was not the one who called and told me it wasn't right, btw.) The reason I deviated from the mock up was because I could not get it, once coded, to look presentable, with the elements the gentleman needed to have present.

I told Nate about it, and he says I should blow them off. I told him what I'd told J, and he said it sounds like a control thing to him. I'm thinking I should send an email and say you get that one for free, and any changes made to it will cost you $40 an hour, two hours paid upfront, billed after if it comes out to more. They know I'm not working, and I think it is just a little ass-hole-ish to expect me to give another three to five hours of free time when neither party involved intends to pay me.

***************************
So Nate is off doing tech things for the day, and Miss Morgan and I are chilling in the crib. She's exactly like my kids...very self-sufficient, very computer savvy, and very much a six year old girl. I have some homework to finish before this afternoon, then I'm thinking she and I will give the old vacuum a whirl and just for extra kick, scrub the bathroom. Wheeeee.

***************************
Its 80's night at a club downtown, and since the little Morgie is off to Grandmas for the evening, I think we are going to venture out and see whats happening with it. I never used to be a big fan of 80's music, but I have to admit....it grows on you. I still prefer the 'new wave' stuff to say Madonna, but even those its fun to listen to once in awhile and laugh about all the girls who used to try wearing fingerless lace gloves to school.

I like, from the 80's:
The Cure
Blondie
When in Rome (I loved the Promise long before it appeared in Napoleon Dynamite)
The Police
The Violent Femmes
The Pointer Sisters (thank my Mom for that one)
David Bowie
Billy Idol

Whom do you like?

Oh, know he DIDN'T

2009-01-16T04:08:00.000-08:00

So, yesterday I received an email from a former supervisor (we shall call him J). I have been working on a web site for a friend of one of my former co-workers, and he emailed me to find out what was up with it. The files are stored on the computer at my house (where I have not been in one week), and I informed him of this.

J knows that I have been slowly taking over....I mean moving into.....Nate's place. Rather than telling ME he needs the website delivered ASAP, he uses the Messenger Program of Micro$$oft to tell Nate to tell me he needs it sent NOW (yesterday).

I shoot J an email and tell him I'll recode it, he'll have it within a few hours. Which he did.

For the next hour, J is messaging Nate, asking him if I'm working on it, am I almost done, yadda yadda. Nate is taking master's degree courses, trying to find his own job, and is lined up for contract work through three different companies, so its not like he doesn't have his own stuff to do. But, it isn't in his nature to ignore IM's, nor be rude, so he answered all of J's questions while telling me that he wasn't comfortable doing the check up on me thing when J could just ask me himself.

When I sent the files, I mentioned to J that I did not want him using Nate like he had. Perhaps I'm a bit touchy, given my history with men, but a few things bothered me about J's actions....namely that he was checking up on me. And, that he was putting Nate in a babysitter of sorts role, which is just weird. Finally, I think it displayed a lack of not only professionalism, but also a lack of respect for me. Lest we forget as well, one of the things I truly love about Nate is that he displays absolutely no controlling tendencies, and having him be my keeper felt a little weird.

J sent me an email back, pretty much saying that wasn't what he'd done and that if they need anything else they'll let me know. I think I offended him, and frankly I don't care. If you are going to try to manipulate, control, or otherwise push me into a corner, you are going to get offended when I call your dumb ass on it.

Favorite L things

2009-01-14T12:40:00.000-08:00

1. The Little M's. Ok, that is cheating, but hey, I have to give my kids props where I can, right?

2. Lasagna, and all its cheesy, tomato-y goodness. I make a mean one, four layers high, ricotta AND mozzeralla cheese.

3. Linux, the operating system that works better than anything M$ dishes out, AND is free, AND has a cute little penguin as its mascot. I am a geek, and love the Unix-ness, which automatically means I love all flavors of Linux.

4. Leonardo DiCaprio. OMG. Do men get any hotter? (well, Orlando, but he doesn't start with L, does he?) And Leo's a good actor, and does social awareness stuff, and he can play a developmentally disabled young man very very well.

5. Love, as in Courtney. I know, she's a train wreck that spans more than a decade, but when she's on her game there is no stopping her.

6. Leprechauns! Stereotypical, yes, and not all that accurate a portrayal of the Irish, but come on...they're cute!

7. Limes. They are green, which is my favorite color. Lime jello is the best. Lime soda is the best. And, limes go in Corona. Those domestic beers that have 'lime flavor added'? Taste like ass.

8. Les Mis. Great story, and seeing the live play is still on my to do list. I can actually remember most of the score from choir, and every now and then I find the soundtrack on Pandora.

9. Levi Jeans. Despite having three children, they make my derrière look, well, fantastic. So I love them. Flare bottom or bootcut, none of that skinny leg crap for me.

10. Lilies. Particularly the stargazer variety. At one point I had twelve bulbs and my front yard smelled of heaven for a goodly portion of teh summer, but alas, my (rather expensive) flower bulbs were not deemed necessary to retrieve when I left the hell that was my trailer, so they bloom for the critters these days. Oh, were they gorgeous.

Too cold for a catch title

2009-01-14T08:32:00.000-08:00

Here, in no particular order, and the jobs for which I applied so far this week.

English as second language tutor, via VOIP. The actual teacher position required a Bachelor's Degree, which I do not possess. I wonder if I could borrow my brother's; he isn't using it.

3 different 'administrative assistant' positions. All requiring attention to detail, experience with M$ office, and a 'helpful, friendly disposition that will be the forward face our company extends to our customers'. Yep, I can play Mary Sunshine with the best of them.

Nursery attendant. As in planting seeds and growing them for a nursery. Hey, I have two green thumbs, may as well use them, right?

Barista. At three coffee houses, independently owned. Dear God, but how I miss steaming milk and shooting shots. Of espresso. Never could get the manager to let me try out the Irish Coffee Bar thing.

Barista, at chain/franchised coffee shops. I'm not picky. I'll wear the damned visor, I just want to play with coffee again.

Photography Assistant. I'm not sure what is expected, but hey, it was on Craigslist and is for an actual business, so I gave it a shot.

Customer Service at: Sally's Beauty Supply, Office Max, Target, Meijer, a thrift shop for children's clothes.

Server at : Applebees, Papa Vino's (better than Olive Garden Italian food!), Russ' (like friendly's, Alex), Pizza Hut.

That was THIS WEEK. Same last week, at least ten different things per day. I have received none, niente, nine, zilch, zip, zero, calls back. For anything.

Its a good thing I don't have a rejection phobia anymore, or this could get depressing.

*****************
I am slowly adjusting to life away from my bebes. I talk to them everyday, and it is good to hear them happy. Part of me still feels guilty for not being there, but I know that their Dad is enjoying it and is happy to have them around so I'm trying to let go of the Mom guilt complex. When I saw them over the weekend, they were full of hugs and were much more relaxed than I have seen them in a long, long time.

I think it helps having Morgan around. I picked her up from school yesterday, and she showed me her classroom, with its little gold fish bowls and her cubby. I watched a cartoon with her, before helping her with a homework paper. I made dinner last night, because not having any thing else to do was driving me crazy. It is the lack of a definite purpose that is bringing me down right now; sure, I have class work, but ultimately, I have to have SOMETHING for which I am caring, or else I go nuts.

I'm thinking of bringing the fishies with me, some of my houseplants as well. That will give me something to fuss over, and I refuse to let myself turn into a mother hen to either Morgan or Nate. I love them both for their independence and self sufficiency, and I'm not going to do anything to threaten that.

I will do the L thing later =0)

Cross one off the 'to do' list

2009-01-04T11:52:00.000-08:00

I have finally, FINALLY, been able to figure out that dastardly and otherwise sneaky program, Photoshop. Indeed, I believe I have its vile ways down pat, and with the help of the ever helpful 'undo' button, I have made a few graphical thingees.

This is good, very good, although I am currently working my way through PS 6. Which, is the equivalent of using, say Windows 95. I don't think it is wasted time or efforts, though, because most programs are backward compatible so once I get the CS 3 up and running (the next-to-newest version of photoshop available), I can put my basic (albeit crude) new photoshop skills to use and get that one figured out.

The biggest issue I'm having is all of the sweetest brushes were created with PS 7, or the CS packages, and will not even open. Ach, I really wanted to use the vintage postcard brushes for backgrounds, and make sweet blood spatter banners. I suppose that will have to wait. Formatting of my desktop is going to commence shortly, and after that I will finally have the super duper mamma jamma graphics making computer of my dreams......muhahaha.

**********************
It has been an interesting four days. I've been here in GR/Wyoming since New Year's Eve. I have one gig lined up making a site in exchange for theraputic massage and chiro manipulation, and I'm working on another for a band who is giving me tickets to upcoming shows. WTF? Four years of knowing how to do this and nothing; In less than four days I have things lined up. Those are pretty much just for experience, but there are a lot of jobs down here for an inhouse designer, which is why I need a portfolio.

I'm going to harass, I mean check back with, some of the places I've applied....Biggbys, Starbucks, stores and the like . I applied for a shipping clerk at a sheltered manufacturing facility (meaning its light industrial and hires physically and mentally developmentally disabled adults). That is in Holland and while it is a good half hour drive, I would love it.

************************
I miss the kids, but so far I'm doing okay. I will have them this weekend, and we are going to celebrate Connor's birthday on Saturday. His birthday is tomorrow; I will call him, I call them everyday, but not see him on his birthday?! Bri keeps saying now I can understand how he's felt, but I don't think it is the same. He doesn't mean that in a mean way or anything, I guess I really didn't think he missed having them in his daily life all that much.

Morgan has stated no fewer than three times in the last five days that I am not her mom. Not mean or rude, because she adores me, more or less I think so she can keep the two of us separate in her mind and heart. Which I find somewhat comforting, honestly. If she is willing to not let anyone else replace her mother, in job or memory, then I don't have to worry about my kids. Her mom is not a big part of her life, and the energy she puts out trying to stay in touch with her mom is not reciprocated at all (she is 6). I make her dad happy and I cook good lasagna, so as far as she's concerned, I'm cool. And I'm cool with that.

Not quite the Christmas Eve I had in mind.

2008-12-24T21:00:00.000-08:00

The day began as last year's Christmas Eve began....me, waking in an empty house. I busied myself, wrapping things and making things and running to the store to get last minute things. I had arranged with my mother that she would pick my kids up from their paternal Gparents shindig, and I would meet up with them all at her house, where we would stay the night.

This all hinged upon their father letting me know when he was going to be leaving. He did not; rather, he simply headed home with them, calling me along the way to inform me that it was 'too nasty' for me to venture out, so he'd drop them off at my house. Where we would stay all safe and warm.

I reminded him of the conversation we'd had a mere 16 hours before, and that was not how he recalled it. Whatever. I say I'll meet them at his house, since the gifts are all set out under my tree, the car is packed to leave, my mother really wants us to come, and I really wanted to go.

While I'm waiting, I see his girlfriend and her hag of a mother come outside and get in a car; she asks me if I got a call. I say yes, he said meet me here at 5:45. She asks me when I talked to him; I said around five. She says 'oh, he just called me. They were in an accident up on Northland Drive' and proceeds to turn her back on me, getting into the car.

That was all she said, they were in an accident. In the six minutes it took me to get there, skidding around corners and running red lights, I had some time to think. Which is not good.

I flew off the handle at him as soon as I got there; why wasn't I called? Why did I hear about it in passing? If he has my children with him and they get so much as a papercut, I want to hear about it, firsthand, and before anyone else. I admit, I was pretty much raving like a loon, but I didn't care and I still don't. Two of her kids were in the truck with him, and while I'm not saying she should not have been notified, I really can not for the life of me understand why he thought it would be okay to leave me sitting in his parking lot, in the dark. I yelled at her, for not giving me more details before turning her back on me. I yelled at him, for not calling me and telling me what was going on. I yelled at her mother, when she tried to step in front of me to get to teh car first, and I pretty much told all three of them to just stay out of my way while I collected the kids from the truck.

It was a minor accident, only a bumper and a tail light were injured, but that really is not the point, I don't believe. I have never liked being kept in the dark, and I don't like the implication that I am not worthy enough to even warrent a phone call. I see myself being pushed out of their lives, little by little, and I'm wondering why.

We made it to my mother's without incident, driving about 40 during the blinding wind outs and turning easy on the slushy curves. I bought a bottle of captain and had a rum and coke when I got here. Mom and I wrapped some gifts, and I tucked everyone into bed ( or a reasonable facsimile thereof) twice. My dad is going into his annual slep-through-Christmas-day nap, and I most likely wil not see my brother tomorrow at all.

It is finally Christmas morning; I survived another Christmas Eve. Now I think I'll go decompress, see if I can get rid of the urge to sob once and for all.

Interview

2008-12-18T14:16:00.000-08:00

Hey baby, here ya go:

1. You can be a new character in any novel, movie, or t.v. series. What would you choose, and how would you fit into the plot?
Going to go with novel here. It is not my favorite novel by any stretch, but in Dean Koontz's Odd Thomas, there is Odd (the hero) and Stormy (his girlfriend). Now, they have a very close, celibate relationship, and before they can get married and consummate it, something happens. That is THE ONLY STORY I have ever read that completely shocked me with the plot line, and brought me to tears. I would be a character, just a random extra to not take away their thunder, who would change the course of the story and let it have a happily ever after. Because Odd is a good guy. If you haven't read the story, do it. Its great.

2. You can give one special quality or trait to each of your children to help them succeed in life. What would you choose for each and why?
For Connor, I would grant him the power to problem solve. That poor child screams the sky is falling the minute a twig is placed in his way. He is so smart, yet he appears to be the kind of person that can only handle life when it goes according to schedule. That is not a good way to be, and leg up in that department would help him immensely.

For Jamie, I would grant him the ability to perceive danger. Of all his traits and quirks, that is the only one I would change, mostly to ensure he stays safe. I wouldn't want him any other way, and while he may not achieve material success, it can't be ruled out. Temple Grandin is Autistic, an engineer, and an author, so I never put limitations on that as far as he goes.

For Liv, I would grant her the ability to protect herself at all times, whether it is simply standing up for herself, screaming NO! at the top of her lungs when others try to harm her, or beating the hell out of somebody for trying to hurt her physically. I don't want her to ever think somebody has the right to harm her simply because she is a child, and as she grows older I don't want her to think she doesn't deserve anything less than to be treated fairly and with respect, at all times.

3. When/how did you know that Nate was the guy for you? Describe the moment.
This is going to sound insane, but I saw his profile on yahoo singles. I read his profile. And for three days I kept thinking I HAD to get in touch with him.
And I wasn't going to, because he was out of town and only had one child vs. my three. I finally couldn't take the thought running through my head so I tracked
him down on myspace (because I don't think I should have to pay to talk to somebody.) Turned out, he'd put the profile up the day before that, and took it down
two days later. We started emailing and met in person a few weeks later and were completely blown away by how quickly we connected.

So, to answer your question, the moment I laid eyes on him.

4. You have died and gone on to the afterlife. Which person, famous or not, do you look for first? What would you say to her or to him?
My Aunt Barbera. She committed suicide when she was 25; she had 3 girls under the age of 5. She was the sister to whom my mother was closest, in age and
emotionally. I would like to tell her how her absence affected her entire family, her children, and the ones who came after she passed. I think my mother still misses her very much. I would like to meet her.

5. What is your best quality, in your opinion.
The way I treat people. I don't use them, I don't play games with them, and unless I am given a damned good reason to not like someone, I generally like everyone.
Even if given a damned good reason, I will most likely forgive it at least once, and if I don't then I drop the person and do not continue with
bullshit games. I love easy, but it is genuine, and if I say I care about you, it isn't just a word.

2008-12-16T21:23:00.000-08:00

So, I'm beginning to see signs that my upcoming trek to GR is meant to be and fated by a higher existence than myself....I've applied for three, 3, tres jobs barista-ing in the last week. Seriously. And they are all hiring, or taking the apps now, to hire someone immediately after the new year.

Which is when I will be there. See how that is working out? I thought so.

****************
I am done with the holiday shopping and stuff. Seriously, it was kind of a white elephant Christmas, complete with some re-gifting and lots of thrift store finds and treasures, but you know what? I can definitely say more thought went into each person for whom I bought, and more care was taken than I usually display when shopping at those big box places and the like. I.E. My former sister in law Jess loves taking baths. Seriously she does it like twice a week, to soak and relax and all that. I had a bath gift set from last year, hadn't even opened it (I don't do baths, i'm a shower kind of girl), so I gave her that. Didn't cost me anything AND she'll love it and use it. I found Nate a wine decantor with six goblets for eight bucks. He loves wine and collects wine-y stuff, so yay. Its easy, when you look in the not so obvious places.

For my parents/sister/brother/Bri I am giving them each pictures. I took the kids and had some real, honest to God pictures taken, complete with matching outfits (they were fly, yo). For what I spent on the package, it averages out to a ten dollar gift for each of them. And they will love them. I haven't told any of them I did it, so it will be a surprise. I had a shot or two taken with me and them, so I'll have a good picture of the four of us together, smiling, clean, and nobody hitting anyone. I might cry when I see them.
***********************
The whole moving in with nate thing has me freaking a bit. What if I move in, and in a week he decides its not working? Its been two years of me living on my own, and I think about that long for him, as well. I'm there a lot, but not constantly. Ideally I'd move in when I have a job, but it will be easier to find the job and actually get to it if I'm there, rather than here. I guess it is going to be a leap of faith, at least a little, and he has done nothing but prove he deserves that. Nobody ever tells you how hard it is to trust the fact that you trust someone, after living so long distrusting everything around you.
**********************
Peanut butter white chocolate chip cookies. Tre yummy. Try it, Santa will love them ;0)

***************

I'd like to beat me some people.

2008-12-15T16:52:00.000-08:00

I do not get my mail until well after five p.m. I live approximately six blocks from the post office, and yet I never seem to see my mail until the following morning. I find this ridiculous, for several reasons that vary in importance, but mostly because I live, say it with me, six blocks from the post office.

I understand this is prime mailing season; I am even understanding of that. However, part of being a professional, responsible adult is adjusting to stressful situations on the job, and handling them. Even with the extra package handling and the blowing wind, surely there is no reason for my mail deliverer to be more than three hours past the normal time? One should not have to travel with pepper spray and a flashlight to get her mail.

I ran into her this evening, as she pulled up to the box I was approaching it. She decided to go load two other mailboxes first (each 'box' has twelve mini boxes, one for each row of apts). I stand there, in the less-than-zero-with-wind-chill air, waiting and watching. As she approached my mailbox with mail for my building, another carrier pulled up (I guess to take some stuff and help her finish her route.) Three residents are standing there waiting for our mail; she tosses our mail into her truck, walks around the back, and stands there talking with this other carrier.

I stayed until my cheeks started to hurt and went back inside. It would have taken her about thirty seconds to load the boxes, instead of watching people stand outside to get their mail which she was dangling over our heads. I fully intend to file a complaint with the post master, and Lord as my witness, if mail doesn't start coming before the bank closes on a daily basis, I will not be happy.

*************
When the ex took the children to his parents' home for Thanksgiving, he let them know after the new year they would reside with him. He told them it was a mutual agreement between us, the children were looking forward to it, and it had been his idea, not mine. All points covered, and they seemed pleased and mildly surprised.

So, imagine my surprise today when I hear it through a grapevine that Bri 'took them away from me', and I fought him on it, but ultimately my poor parental skills were the cause of me losing them. WTF??

Wait, thats right. Since I'm no longer part of the 'clan', all I do must be bad, and I must be vilified at every opportunity, and nothing can be acheived without all out war. I think in lieu of a Christmas card this year, they are going to get a letter, asking them to erase me from their memory. I am not even upset, really, because upset would imply a level of surprise, and nothing they have done for years has surprised me. I passed along 'what really happened' to Bri, and he said he would straighten them out. And he apologized. Seriously....how many of you have to apologize to other people for the stupid shit that comes out of your parents' mouths?!

*****************
This is the third Monday that school has been cancelled on the 'offchance' of inclement weather. I am all for safety, but even the national weather service said the shock freeze would be hit and miss, and may not occur at all. But they chose to close school anyway.

I had to reschedule an interview. An interview at a coffee roasting/selling facility that comes equipped with an espresso machine for barista-ing. They want me down there ASAP to speak with them, and I want to do it. They need someone after January 1; I need a job starting after Jan. 1. So, I was not happy when I couldn't find a sitter at the last moment, and lucky for me, the interviewer is very understanding and said not only could I reschedule, but she was glad I didn't make the trip on such 'nasty roads'.

****************
Thats my list of slapping for the day. I've had good news, too. Nate had an interview for IT support with a car dealership that runs two lots; one is the luxury import dealership, and the other is a honda/toyota dealership. It was more of an informal lunch to decide if he is going to be interviewed, but he thought it went well, the guy with whom he had lunch was very interested in him and what he's done at other places, and N is a freaking networking genius so I told him to think optimistic. If we both find jobs relatively fast, that would be awesome. Neither of us likes idle time much, nor do we like being broke and not being able to help the other. He wants me to stay with him, and I don't want to unless I can help him with the expenses. Sort of a catch 22, it seems.

Did you want to smack somebody today?

End of an era doesn't quite cut it

2008-12-12T11:58:00.000-08:00

I remember growing up thinking I lived in the best state. We made cars; everyone loved cars. Needed them, a necessity. They came in all colors and sizes, with fancy features that seemed to put the old ones to shame every years.

My mother and her sisters and brothers were housed and fed by money made by making cars; four of my uncles supported their families by building cars. Heck, my mother worked in the mailroom of a Buick headquarters office when I was young; UAW was a way of life, a means to provide and protect.

I fear the industry is dead; without the bailout, GM is slated to be out of money in a few weeks. I wonder if this is how the Romans felt when their perfect utopia collapsed; confused as to how a giant could become so insignificant, and how to try and regain the strength once it is gone for good.

I have watched this four season wonderland of mine collapse over the last six or so years. Towns that used to have charm and character are skeletol at best. There is no hope, only for sale signs that fall on blind eyes and empty pocketbooks. People are confused; how does one put thirty years of their life into their work, building things and giving their all, to be told there pension could stop coming or disappear, that the health care their spouses paid into to see them through their golden years alone is going to end? It will trickle down, on a scale much, much larger than I have seen, and frankly, I am not looking forward to it.

The lakes will still ebb and flow, and the winds will still blow their blizzardy whiteness across the open fields, but how long until all of us have fled for greener job pastures? How long until we see depression era sights, like families living on streets and pickpockets hitting the super walmart for their dinners? Will my grandmother lose what she's been living on since my grandfather died; will my ex's uncle and grandmother continue to live in their happy post-GM retirement lifestyle, or will they be as broke as I once that big third goes belly up?

When you say your prayers tonight, say one for the people of the state, for the companies that aren't running scared and already laying off. Say one that the monkey in chief does something useful and taps the TARP to help. Say one so that it does not get as bad as I fear it does, and if it does, say one so that I can get me and mine out of here so we don't have to huddle around a barrel for warmth. I am not exaggerating; desperation is setting in, I see it in people's faces.

MeMe because I'm too lazy to think up anything original

2008-12-11T15:09:00.000-08:00

1. Do you like blue cheese? No. It stinks. Let's talk feta though....yummy.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No. And neither has anyone else. Crack gets smoked, not heroin.

3. Do you own a gun? When I was still in unholy wedded-ness, I owned a by way of the husband (they were his), a deer rifle and an antique rifle he inherited from his Grandfather.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? What is Sonic?

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No. I get annoyed that I have to be there.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Just eat trash....its probably healthier and cheaper.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee.

9. Can you do push ups? Why would I?

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My mother's ring...black hills gold with a garnet, rose quartz crystal, and a ruby. My kids are color co-ordinated!

11. Favorite hobby? Shooting pool.

12. Do you have A.D.D? Sometimes I wonder.

13. What is one trait you hate about yourself? Self-doubt

14. Middle name? Leigh, in memorium of my older sister.

15. What is your favorite TV show or movie? TV show = What Not To Wear, Movie = Empire Records

16. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Cigs, bag of Starbucks, little candy decorating thingees

17. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Coffee, coffee, espresso

18. Current worry? finding a job, transitioning

19. Current hate right now? That the jobs are winning this war of hide and seek, it seems.

20. Favorite place to be? The Muskegon River in Big Rapids. Its so quiet and beautiful.

21. Where would you like to go? Pacific NW or Ireland

22. Name three people who will complete this? Bennett, she can do it three times.

24. What shirt are you wearing? a dragon one I reclaimed when my exhusband moved out. It was his, and I liked it, so I traded...if he gave it to me, I wouldn't say mean things about his girlfriend for a whole day. It was hard, but I have the shirt =0)

25. What year would you go back in time to? 1985. I'd change something that happened, which would make my life from that point on much, much, better.

26. Can you whistle? A bit.

27. Favorite color? green

28. Would you be a pirate? Can I make out with Orlando??

29. Favorite girl’s name? Besides my daughter's name, Tatiana or Anastasia. I love Russian names.

30. Favorite boy’s name? Besides the sons' names, Seamus. Good thing the daughter was a she, because that was my last chance to name a boy that and the baby daddy wasn't having any part of it.

31. Last thing you dreamed about? I don't recall, but it was hella weird.

32. What’s in your pocket right now? Hot pockets

33. Last thing that made you laugh? A comment on Alex's blog, confirming that men REALLY do have a thing for cheerleading uniforms.

34. Best Halloween costume? I totally rocked a hot Wednesday Addams this year.

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had? severely sprained (in two places, thank you) right ankle.

36. Do you like where you live? No. There are no jobs, I'm surrounded by white trash (and I don't just throw that term around), there is no originality in this town anymore, and my dear is an hour away. Meh.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 1

38. Who is your loudest friend? My friend Steve. He can't talk below holler.

39. How many dogs do you have? 1, although I think she is becoming my father's dog.

40. Does someone have a crush on you? No, he absolutely freaking adores me.

41. What is your favorite book(s)? Are you my mother, by P.D. Eastman. Favorite one to read to the wee M's.

42. What is your favorite candy? Junior Mints

43. Favorite Sports Team? um...

44. Favorite Sports? billiards, playing volleyball

45. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Talking to Nate. Well, messaging with Nate. We message.

46. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Something along the lines of 'eehhhhh?'

Long weekend, Mom, and hope

2008-12-11T01:10:00.000-08:00

It has been a very long weekend/week. Where shall I start....

Friday night I went to see my dear. Its only an hour drive, goes by fast, and frankly, I love the drive now. Hopping around in traffic gives me a buzz of sorts, so it was fine. Saturday, I left with the intention of picking up my kids so they could go to his daughter's birthday party later that day; I didn't let the raging blizzard stop me from heading North.

After 45 minutes I'd traveled about 12 miles. So, I turned around and retreated. Not because I was scared, or because I had any mishaps. No, the car handled fine, other drivers were actually not going kamikazee. It occurred to me that by the time I got the kids and drove down, the party would be over and the snow would be deeper. So, logic prevailed and I had to break 4 hearts that day (my 3 and his 1.)

I was around the corner from arriving back into the haven that is Nate's, when I spun out. Badly. Scared the shite out of me darn near, and lucky for me there was no traffic in the three lanes I spun. Got back, parked, and vowed never again to leave the house until the snow had retreated for good.

Naturally, that did not happen.

I got through that, the party was fun, Sunday was fun, Monday was a chillax/put apps around town sort of day. I was working on resumes when my mother called me.

"Please come up here, nobody can come stay the night!"

"Mom, I'm not at home"

"As long as you're here by the time Bob gets up for work in the morning, thats good."

I got off the phone, shut my lap top, and curled up, with my head on Nate's lap. He asked if I was going to have to leave; I said yes, something to which I had to attend. I told him a bit of mom's history, and he rubbed my head while I spoke. An hour later, I was pulling away, trying to figure out what I would say when the time came to say it.

I got to her house about 9pm, as the snow was starting to fall again. I didn't think much of that, because I had more pressing matters on mind. She started describing the plans she'd made, that she could get so and so to come over when I had my kids, and when I didn't I could stay with her. I'd get this for payment, or that. I told her that the kids were going to live with their Dad after the holidays; she asked me why I would give my children away like that.

I told her they wanted to go. He wanted them there. That I had a choice, keep them unhappy and getting angrier by the day at me for withholding what they want, or deal with people thinking I was giving my kids away and letting them be happy. She asked where she'd gone wrong with me, and i said nowhere. All the years of watching her sacrifice weren't for nothing; I didn't want this, yet I knew it was what I had to do for them. She left it alone after that.

I told her I wouldn't move in with her. Or stay with her. I informed her that I want to relocate to Grand Rapids. She apologized for being such a burden (which I didn't think she was), for not being able to handle herself. I told her I would be there, a call away, if she needed to hear someone's voice. I would visit more often, make the effort. That Brian would work with her so she could see the kids as well, and that at least one day on my weekend visits we'd spend the day or night with her at her house. But I would not, could not, move in and simply let her continue to be afraid of living her life.

In high school, I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I see that I wasn't. I don't want to 'tough love' her. I told her I wanted to be somewhere where I had at least a chance of surviving on my own and not because of the system (which is going to be cut all to hell anyway, and without which I've been surviving anyway). That in five months I have had one call back, one interview, despite applying everywhere around here twice.

Part of it is motivated by Nate, I won't deny it, but only a small part. Even if he weren't in my life, I knew the time was coming to make a big change. I've felt it for a long time. There simply isn't anything here for me. There won't be anything for my kids. I had them all to myself while their Dad missed out making sure we had enough to get by; perhaps the tables need to be turned so we can better understand what the other side of the coin is like.

I was going to leave Tuesday morning, but awoke to find the driveway shut tight with snow and my car buried under a blankie of the crap. So I stayed Tuesday night as well, without a choice since nobody was plowing while the storm raged. She seemed a little more grounded, telling my sister that they would be fine, if they found themselves getting scared or sad to think of something good, find something else to do. My sister is as anxiety driven as my mother these days, and always has been a creature of habit.

I finally got home today around five pm, completely exhausted and drained. I love my family, most people don't see it, but I do. I would do anything for them, including deny them what they want because I know it is not what they need. My mother hugged me last night, put her arms around me and squeezed. I think I hugged her back; I was too surprised to be sure. She held me for a few minutes, before whispering 'thats about 30 years overdue, and I'm sorry'.

That is the second time I can remember my mom hugging me. Affection scares us, always has. I guess facing her fears is her new modus operandi.

when all hell breaks loose.....

2008-12-07T14:55:00.000-08:00

I am apparently the first one who comes to mind. At least, to my mother's mind. I have, I suppose, over the last eight or so years convinced myself that mom had gotten over some of her more debilitating phobias and has been functioning as a "normal" person (whatever that means.)

Well, that is not the case. I hadn't realized that in my place, she had put my Grandmother. My 91 year old Grandmother had been living with her for six years, so was always home with her. Went everywhere in the car with her, unless my step father was accompanying her. For six years, mom has been unknowingly enabling herself, continuing with the phobias and behaviors that kept her locked up for so many years.

She called me yesterday, saying Grannie had been moved out. My uncle and an aunt come up at 8 in the morning, tossed my Gran's stuff in the truck, and moved her out lock, stock, barrel in under an hour. Mom was told if she tried to stop or hold my grandmother back, she'd be subject to a police inspection for abused elderly people (my mother has never abused my grandmother, stolen from her, or anything of that nature.) We are not sure what has motivated the aunt and uncle (brother and sister, not husband and wife) to come do an early morning snatcheroo; either Grannie has been telling tales in her evergrowing state of delirium, or somebody recently took out a life insurance and policy and realized that at 90+ years of age, no one would question an elderly woman going to sleep for good. I trust none of those people, and am not happy with the turmoil they have caused my mother and sister, both of whom do not handle change well.

So, my mother wants me to move in with her. So she won't have to face being alone for any period of the day, so she can have a traveling companion. She knows I hate living out in the BFE. She knows I have no desire to go to Cadillac. She knows that I can't be around her for more than a few hours before we both start to bristle around each other. But she is scared, scared because she is still held in fear of being isolated, being without help if an emergency happens.

I was preparing to tell her that my kids are moving in with their Dad, and that I am preparing to move to Grand Rapids, but I think I should hold back for awhile. The thought that I might come to her rescue seems to be keeping her grounded; I think she knows it won't happen, but she is hanging on to a maybe because I can't tell her outloud that I won't do it.

She doesn't expect my brother to do it, but then again, I was the one was there for her when all of this stuff started, some 15/16 years ago. I don't know how well my step dad will handle this, either; he has been sheltered from it, for the most part, because my brother was always around until my grandmother moved in, so I don't think he really understands the nuances of her phobias, how restrictive her life can become.

Am I bad, then, because I have yet to run up there? My suggestion to her was to find a therapy group; I know they exist. She just wants more meds and someone else to take the place of my grandmother.

***********************
I got laid off last week, so there goes the eight bucks an hour to do not much work. I have to admit, it was getting old, being stuck at home five hours a night with nothing to do. I am looking in both BR and GR, figuring wherever I find work first will be where I hang my hat, at least most of the time. Nate wants me to move in with him after the first, but I'd rather be able to pay my way before I do that. I think he gets why, even if he thinks it doesn't make much sense. I will not be kept, whether real or imagined again, and living somewhere where I can't say I've paid my own way is what that would feel like. It is weird still, being with someone who is more of a giver than a taker, and since we're both givers and not used to that dynamic in another we are getting used to it. But he works with me, and I with him, and that is but one of the reasons I love him so.

**********************

My kids are getting excited about Christmas, and about moving in with their dad. I am still not sure how I am going to handle that. One day at a time, I suppose, and try to stay as busy as possible. Bri is excited too, its hard to believe the guy that never changed a diaper or gave a bottle is gung ho at the prospect of caring for all three at a time. Maybe that is what motivated him to ask me......he realized they would have no memories of him caring for them, just as they have few memories of me actually doing anything fun with them (because I'm usually busy taking care of them or cleaning up after them.) Sometimes I still wonder why it was impossible for us to get the whole happy family thing right....we can do it on our own, independently, but together? We'd trip over each other, or fight about how happy families do things, or what anything meant. Gar.

Is this a sign......

2008-11-16T13:59:00.000-08:00

Since I put my foot down and ceased being a doormat for the hairier gender, I have been very adamant about protecting my 'space'. Space, of course, being not only the six to twelve inch 'intimate' area in terms of communicating, but also anything and everything that is important to me....my kids, my work, my friends, my family, my classes. If I started to feel that someone wanted more time than I had to give, they were gone. If someone complained that one of those areas was hampering our blooming relationship, it immediately withered and died. One met my family, one visited my house. One spent some time with the kids, and immediately afterward went 'whoa, now that is something that would wear me out on a daily basis! Lets set up more Dad time for them, eh?' We broke up a week later.

One spent time with my kids and thoroughly enjoyed it, but we were both so fond of our spaces that I think we built our own buffer zones to keep each other out. And that is fine. What works will, and what won't, wasn't supposed to be. This is, of course, my newer, shinier, much more user friendly relationship module....I call it Love V.II.

So, is it worth noting that I am not only letting someone into my space, but also find myself pondering the possibility of co-existing under the same roof? No one, and I repeat no one, since I began living on my own has been privy to that frame of mind. Why? Because the thought of being around anyone for longer than a few hours every once in awhile frankly made me a little queasy.

This one is different...he's a dad. He folds his own laundry and writes his own grocery list. He and I share practically the same philosophy on child rearing, as well as personal interests. We have senses of humor that match each others, and the same way of turning nearly anything into an innuendo. The only difference I can see is that he has an X chromosome and I have a Y.

Perhaps the nicest thing about our quite flourishing relationship is the way that I do not feel a bit uptight or anxious around him. I don't find myself wondering what he thinks of me, or how he will react if I say this or that. I can be as nerdy as I want, because he is just as nerdy, and I can be as perverse as I want, because he'll understand it and have something with which he can respond. I can say 'later, somebody puked' and I know he'll say 'hope they feel better', not 'ugh, not again!' and vice versa.

Is this what existential understanding between two people is? Rather than a 'well, I'll pretend to not see this because of that', or to blindly hope something that doesn't mesh works itself out on its own (which it doesn't.)? For a long time i confused lust with love, and I think for the first time both are actually present at the same time.

I see in him a friend, partner, fellow parent, and one who built himself back up after a crushing collapse of his previous life. His daughter already feels like one of my kids, and mine are so fond of him and his daughter. Not trying to rush things along, but as each day passes he becomes a more important part of my life and without trying, we are working each other into our own separate ones. And I'm not afraid.

***********
On the kidlet issue to which I referred last week, I had a talk with the baby daddy. He wants them to live with him. At least until school lets out, and we can reevaluate from there. He wants to be more in the kids' memories than the 'weekend dad'; he wants them to remember him getting them ready for school and baking cookies and such. I understand that. But knowing him as well as I still do, I knew there was more (because he will not act on something unless there is something in it for him or something he wants. Its just how he is.) , so I poured lots of coffee, prodded, and listened a lot.

He also wants them to live with him, because he knows if they aren't with me most of the time, I will leave this area. I don't like it here, I like the more urban areas and what they offer. And he wants me to leave, because as long as we see each other on an almost daily basis, even in the context of friends, he thinks neither of us will actually be able to get on with our lives, truly. Sure, he's had a girlfriend for almost two years, but he's also kept entertaining the notion that one day he can come back. He wants to come back when he is around me, and it is keeping him from actually wanting to move forward in terms of his own relationship. He knows I would be happy with a change of scenery, some time to actually put some effort into my future, and that he will not be coming back to be with me. I have to agree with him, on pretty much all fronts. I guess he does know me as well as I know him, after all.

So, after the holidays, the kids will most likely be moving in with their dad. I plan on keeping this apartment until March-ish, finding a job in GR, and staying with friends and the boyfriend until further notice. On my weekends, i think I could bring the kids to my moms so they see her as well, and crash here at the Big Rapids apartment. In March, Nate's lease is up, and I want to bring up possibly finding a place together and vacating this place all together. Together, we could afford a place big enough where my kids could visit on my weekends (3 or 4 bedrooms).

Nate knows about the kid thing, and is being very understanding of how conflicted I am (am I a bad mother for giving them the time they need with their father?), and very supportive of my desire to find a job in GR and relocate. Perhaps it is partially to be in closer proximity to him, but I had been thinking about looking that way for some sustainable work anyhow. Meeting him was just gravy, and he gave me the opening I needed to get the job I have.

So, lots going on in the mental arena, but nothing will happen in the physical world for a bit. Which is fine; I'm trying a new approach to life these days....dive right into the planning, and pace myself with the activity.

Time to throw in the towel?

2008-11-07T15:26:00.001-08:00

So my kids would rather live with their Dad, and visit me every other weekend for a few days. I know, its pretty much what he's been doing and getting for the last year and a half, but know what? That was his choice.

They love me, most assuredly they do, but they are happier staying at his house. It isn't the playstation. It isn't the Charter on Demand, or the fact that they get to eat sugar on their cereal or drink Kool aid. It isn't because they have a better playground at that complex (which they never play on, because their Dad doesn't venture outside much), or because they know more kids over there than here. NOpe, none of that is why.

They don't know why, they just do. They are happier there, and they don't miss me as much as they miss him when they are with him instead of me (does that make ANY sense?)

I think its because the nuclear family unit is represented, if not actually intact yet (oh, not to worry, she's got their wedding plans all lined up), where here, its a mom without a dad, and every other mom or grandma they know has a dad or grandpa hanging around, too. I'm the outsider to them, in their little world with their black and white borders, because children don't yet understand gray areas.

And the stand-in mom at Dad's house? She plays video games instead of vacuuming. She watches cartoons instead of cleaning the bathroom for the fourth time. She makes pizza rolls for dinner, to eat in front of the never turned off tv, instead of shutting it down to have some conversation time over a healthier (sometimes only slightly) dinner. She encourages my daughter to play with barbies and dream of being a princess like the disney ones, rescued just when they need it (sigh, eyelash flutter); she tells Connor he's just like his Daddy, handsome and goofy.

When they are here, I have to keep the place spic and span in case a CPS worker decides to make an unexpected pit stop. I have to scrub crayon and marker off the walls so when I move out I don't get charged up the wazoo for it. I have to put them to bed by 8 pm so I have time to do stuff for work, or work on my homework, which I'm doing so I can take better care of them. Which I wouldn't need to do at all, if I would follow the advice of my 9 year old son, and 'just get another husband so you wouldn't have to do that'.

Why am I bothering? They want his life not mine. They want what he has to offer, not me. They want junk food and 24/7 on demand electronic entertainment, not quiet time and classical music and nature hikes.

I won't force anyone to live with me if they don't want to. I did that for too long once. I just don't understand how letting them be where they want to be is not the same as giving them away, because even the thought of it seems like so much.

How do you spell fun? Not s-i-c-k

2008-11-05T21:40:00.000-08:00

So I caught my first round of the school germs. Ugh. 10 hours of straight vomiting and other not nice things pretty much took me out for a good portion of yesterday (now that its after midnight). All I did yesterday was sleep. I got another 3 in tonight, before I woke up. I hurt, my back is sore, my throat is still raw as bloody hell, but at least the toast and water and coffee aren't upsetting anything. Ugh.

*****************
Work goes. I still like the guys, who are still fretting that their business that introduced a product three weeks ago will crash and burn shortly are getting a bit annoying. I can't blame them, really; it started in a basement and now its big enough they have an office and a list for whom newsletters are written, but sheesh...three weeks? Give it a chance, yo.

I did have my first 'uh, i said that' moment. I was talking to one of the owners about the website (www.clickrescue.com) The 'home' or landing page is merely a play button for a demo. There are links to other pages, but the main content is our logo and a play button. He asked me what I would do if I were looking for that sort of service (remote troubleshooting or helpdesk) and I said 'honestly, I would leave. I don't have time to watch a demo that may or may not tell me what I need to know'. The company that made the site is all about flash. The don't make non flash sites. Personally, I'm wondering what their ideals or design goals are, since the basic rule is 'if they don't see what they want or can learn who you are in three seconds, they are gone'.

So, after watching the demo (which is good, it explains the product and has a lot more links and descriptions) I say 'make that the landing page, just be sure to add a pause feature'. He calls in another employee to get his opinion, and its pretty much what I just said verbatim. Then, Mr. part owner says 'maybe we should make this demo page the landing page?' and other co-worker says that would work. I go 'deja vu?'

It kind of cracked me up, really. Shows how far I've come. Last year, I probably would have flown into a tirade about not being listened to, or gone 'but I said that!!' or something. He probably didn't hear me; these are the most introspective people, and i talk really quiet sometimes. My devious plan now is to get them to axe the flash designers and let me just be their inhouse design person. For $8 an hour. I'll let them think its their idea ;0)
*********************
Speaking of similar minded co-workers, he and I are going along great. We took our kids trick or treating together. His daughter is six. He thinks son the elder's tendency for dictatorial speaking is cute; he thinks my daughter is so much like his its scary. He makes sure whatever we're doing or he brings is something son the middle will enjoy too, and he finds him to be one of the sweetest kids he's ever seen. He's been the sole parent to his daughter, really, for almost three years. He doesn't say 'I miss you', he says 'I miss you guys'. Its great being with somebody who doesn't look at having the kids around as a downer or distraction to me.
***************
So glad the election is over. The only thing I heard about it today was my daughter telling me she was glad Obama won, because 'he was nicer'. I steered clear of news sites and discussion boards because I just didn't want to hear about it anymore. It takes me back to the days of Clinton and his dem controlled house and senate for his first term...and how the economy took off after that. Yes, the revolution of the Arpanet into the Internet helped, but there are so many things that could be revolutionized right now to get the same results....greener fuels, mass transit that relies less on gas or diesal, the possibilities are endless.

Gar. Bah. Meh.

2008-10-29T17:56:00.001-07:00

So, Hallow's Eve is day after tomorrow. I managed to find costumes the kids like and didn't cost a fortune. Both are pretty basic, son the elder will be a 'dark wizard' (black cape with a hood), and daughter will be a witch (black dress thing with a hat.) Son the middle was adament he'd be a pumpkin, and since there aren't any pumpkin costumes out there for an amost five foot tall, 90 pound 8 year old, I had to improvise. But, he seldom answers direct questions, and when he does I feel he must be rewarded for his efforts.

I am going as Wednesday Addams. Its a long story.

**************************************

Work continues to be so much fun, I feel I should be paying them for the chance. Nate and I have been getting teased a little, I suppose that is to be expected a bit when co-workers are dating. I went to my first meeting the other day (I think it was the first meeting EVER, but whatever). Pretty interesting. I made a newsletter template with which they were happy and plan to start mailing out next week. I've also been assigned the task of creating a myspace and facebook profile, and joining some ad thing where I click on links to get other people to click on my link (http://www.clickrescue.com) I have no idea why, but I'm getting paid to do nothing, so I don't question much.

********************

I saw Sweeney Todd last week. The play. I've never seen a play in person that wasn't a melodrama with myself acting in it (Of Moss and Men, remember THAT one, Alex??) The cast is just incredible....they act the story, while singing and playing their own instrument. Imagine, a young lady, playing her own accompaniement on cello, while singing in a beautiful soprano? While a tenor is singing a different song and playing his own accordian? Seriously, the talent is just incredible. I'm seeing Tosco in a few weeks, the actual Opera. And Nine Inch Nails, too. Talk about eclectic, eh?

Grand Rapids continues to grow on me. In a one block radius, there is a theatre (where I saw the play), an arena (where concerts and other shows take place), a multi-themed museum, gardens, parks, etc. etc. Older communities, with grand houses, older communities with the kinds of houses that were built by craftsman and feature built in cupboards and features that give houses character. Yeah, theres a lot of ghetto (and whetto), but knowing where to go and where to avoid helps a lot. I really like going there, driving around and looking into a city to which I've never been privy.

*******************
So, the election is in less than one week. I'm still completely removed from it. So, for whom will I cast my vote? Al Franken. Yep, he's the guy. Al's the man, will bring progressive ideals and a sense of wit unmatched by either candidate. Maybe I'll write in Slick Willy, bring back some of that 90's boom we all grew up with and for which we pine. Yep, I frankly don't care, and I know I should, but I just can't put myself through the whole really wanting one person to win, and the subsequent depression that ensues when they don't thing again (Kerry, I miss you!)

Tied up all nicely

2008-10-21T15:13:00.000-07:00

.....it seems. I have a job. It rocks. I sit and play on the computer, while I'm waiting for someone to help. Its a new service, and while the powers that be wine and dine the hotels in Grand Rapids looking for clients, I get paid to play on myspace, read news, and blog. Once a week I get paid to drive to Grand Rapids, go to a meeting, and drink coffee. They like me, they weren't sure at first but I think now they are pretty confident I won't make an ass of myself or their company.

I have the job because of a guy. No, I didn't have to peddle myself for it, nothing that interesting. I was perusing a singles site and I saw his picture. I read his profile. And a little voice inside my head kept telling me to contact him. But he lives near Grand Rapids, has one kid and doesn't want more, so I figured eh. And the voice got louder and louder until just to shut it up, I tracked him down on myspace.

While emailing back and forth, we discovered that I was out of work and his company was looking for someone entry level. We talked geek a lot. We talked kids alot. We talked useless exes a lot. I met him for coffee, where we talked more. I got an interview with the company, and the boss didn't hate me, so I got hired. He's funny, that guy. But cool.

If I hadn't emailed a stranger, who I emailed because of a gut feeling, I wouldn't have a job and I wouldn't have found Nate. He tossed around the soul mate label thing once, and I told him that wasn't quite it. Soul mates I think come and go throughout our lives; sometimes they evolve with us, but most times they don't and for whatever reason no longer remain our mates. I prefer to think of us as copies of each other's souls...we are so alike, so in tune, even when we are an hour away from each other we are ususally thinking or doing the same things, saying the same things at the same time.

Its quite nice. The job is working out nicely. I'm going to be doing some graphics work for them, too, when I'm waiting for stuff to roll in. If I could afford to, I would travel to GR more often, because the downtown area is fabulous. I'm in no big hurry, though, there is no rush for the future and it will come when it does.

Thats why I've been silent, getting on with the show and staying mucho busy. Which is how I like to live.

that time of the decade...

2008-10-03T10:31:00.001-07:00

I went to the doctor today. Completely against my will, and only because they said they would refuse to authorize a refill for my prescription otherwise. So, I caved.

I weighed in at 127, which is still within a good range for my height (I've lost 1/4 inch, must start yoga-ing again.). Here is the part I don't understand....my old clothes still fit me. I haven't had to purchase new jeans in a year or so. I have, however, seemed to have finally (finally! praise the gods) hit the upper B range in brassieres. Perhaps even a C. Does that account for five or six extra pounds? I'm befuddled.

I did get the refill, and also had a lab ordered to do some bloodwork. Nothing major, I am just tired of feeling exhausted. Not just normal tired, but I wake up exhausted and it progresses through the end of the day. I can drift off at will, just by sitting still for five minutes. I want to see if it is simply anemia, or if it is something else. Its going to be a fast blood draw, so I might see if they can run my blood sugars too. Lately I get dizzy and somewhat sick feeling if I don't eat something within an hour or so of being awake. Dad has had full blown diabetes for about five years, he's afraid I'm coming down with that (I don't think that is it, though).

I had to explain why I take such long hiatuses from medical appointments. I told him I don't have insurance. And I don't like having huge bills that can't be paid. He said he understood, but still......stern look....he actually is a very nice doctor, I like him a lot. He told me to at least get the iron levels checked, and if the job I interviewed for hires me and gives me insurance, to get my behind back and do the whole nine yards. Its been six years since my last post partum checkup, which means its been six years since my last checkup.

In the meantime, I am going to make myself start walking again. I haven't been doing that since I moved. Stretching and yoga-ing again, so I don't keep shrinking. I really eat pretty well, but I probably should cut down on coffee. Not stay up until 12 or 1am when i have to get up at 5. All that kind of stuff.

Gar, but I'm worse than a 14 year old girl...

2008-10-01T22:20:00.000-07:00

I never really understood the whole casual, random dating thing as a lass. Didn't seem to make much sense to me, wasting time trying to separate the wheat from the chafe (I didn't say I was good at it!), letting someone within the walls of the fortress, only to blam! watch the whole thing blow up to start over again. No, I didn't partake in that too much, and of the two other boys that are lucky enough to be called ex, one of them is the happiest gay man I know. The other is in denial. And had a little winkee.

I do, however, now see the point...its just freaking fun! And the speed at which I get over people now is just amazing...I love you, you don't? Well, see you then! Bigger and better people to meet, more fun to be had, so long and thanks for all the fish. True, I still can't wrap my mind around the idea that one can indeed casually date more than one person at a time, but monogamy and I went together like two peas in a pod. Even when I'm not committed to someone, by Crackee, I am practicing for it.

I'm having coffee this weekend with a lovely fellow. Since lately I can see the quality of people I choose to bestow my company upon increasing, I am most happy to report that he is pretty much what Mr.D is (a great human being who is mature, smart, traveled, and ambitious), plus one very important thing: he is a father. Custodial father, at that. Solo custodial father.

The coffee is just coffee, simply the physical meeting of two minds that have already connected, and from there we shall see what transpires. Oh, and he's 30. Old, I know, but I'm willing to look past that. Perhaps that 3 or 4 span in years is the difference between one who can't be encumbered and one who does? We shall see.

Don't get me wrong, I still have feelings for Mr. D, but I am very good now at being able to reclassify feelings and place them under the appropriate column in which they belong. Before he leaves for better job markets and the future he's been carving himself, I must tell him how profoundly he has changed my perspective of life. I do not believe in regrets, and I can see now the purpose he served in mine. Had I not met him, I most likely would have stayed with the ex-boyfriend longer, and potentially found myself in a relationship worse than I had had before (I am fairly confident, looking back, that he was a narcissist). I broke up with him to pursue Mr. D, and the things I learned about myself simply from meeting him are hard to explain.

Besides, I am a firm believer in the old addage that you have as much time for others as you make for them, and in the last month there has been not much effort made on his part, which tells me whatever ship was sailing between us has left the port. It was a grand ship, and will sail forever in my heart and mind.

So, with coffee to be had on Saturday, with a fellow that emailed me right away to see how my interview went, I jump back on the giddy girl bandwagon.

Speechless.

2008-09-29T19:25:00.000-07:00

I just read a story. Usually I can read the news without it wrenching my gut; thats why I read it, and not watch it. There have been so many stories lately, of people doing horrid things to their children, and I have yet to slight over one. I feel compelled to read them, why I do not know. Most make me sad, and slightly nauseous, but this last one just....ugh.

It doesn't go into details, really, thank God, but I think it is the imiplications behind it, and the complete and utter lack of respect for these children's lives on the part of their 'parent' that make me so upset. Upset isn't a good word....I could go be ill right now. I'm not much of a censor, but read with caution if things of this nature disturb you.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7642774.stm

Now I have to go snuggle with my kids for a minute each, because I'm blessed to have them and appreciate the gifts their lives bring me.

Goings on

2008-09-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

I have a job interview, Tuesday, for a position doing 'tech assisting' with the Big Rapids Public Schools. I have no clue exactly what the job entails; I think it will be mostly hooking up peripherals, trouble shooting hardware, and running/scheduling disk clean ups and defrags. Its funny, I got the interview because I wrote a cover letter explaining how I am really good at figuring out what I did to make something not work, that by default I am qualified for the position because I used to break so many things. The gentleman with whom I spoke said he found the letter interesting and wants to meet with me in person. So, the ratio of resumes to call backs is approximately 43/1.

****************************
I am almost all set with DeVry to start next month. We've been having fax issues for the last ten days, so what should have taken one afternoon has taken about two weeks. They are patient, though, and my advisor and I are now sharing inside jokes and exchanging chicken recipes.

****************************
My children continue to make me want to beat my head against a wall. I can't decide if son the elder is intelligent, but lazy, or really has no clue. It worries me a bit, because he is genetically predisposed to being a male who needs to be told every step to take, or he'll just stand there with no clue how to live. I'd really rather he not be that way. Son the middle is the love of his teacher's life, at least between the hours of 8 am and 3pm. She says he has one of the best personalities and senses of humor she's ever seen in a child in her AI classes, and this is her fourth or fifth year teaching that label specifically. The daughter is doing well, too, in school; at home, though, she is getting too big for her britches and seems to have this rather strange fixation with her brother. I suppose part of it is normal, they are at the ages where they notice differences in each other, and I don't want to stigmatize either of them, but seriously....short of forcing son the elder to lock the door when he goes in the bathroom for anything, she just will not stay more than six inches away from him.

**************************
That little poemy thing over yonder------> is being published. Funny, I don't care if the rest of the world reads it, but I want to throw up a little when I think about the person for whom it was written reading it. Strange.

*************************

I've decided I am taking a break from the active pursuit of the male variety. I'm tired of games, tired of creating bonds with people that will most likely be severed, for a range of reasons. Not that I've been searching that much, i usually just come across people that spark my interest and then decide that come hell or high water, they will be mine. But I'm tired. I think anymore, people in Michigan are, in one way or another, leading a sort of new-age nomadic existence, and since its not clear whether or not the state will ever rebound, putting down roots and tying one's self to another person is sort of asking for trouble. Even I can feel the transient vibe, in myself and pretty much all new people I meet, and i think that holds us back a lot.

*********************
I did make a new friend, of sorts. He calls me a 'hyper sensitive'. In other words, I pick up on the nature of others very well. I have had about three conversations with him, and we both may as well have gone to elementary school together, we are a lot alike and understand each other well, and he is a single father with sole custody of a five year old girl. I entertained a possible romantic connection for about six minutes, but have placed him in the 'awesome dude and great friend' category. Mostly due to the transient thing; he wants to leave as soon as he gets a job in TN.

******************
The trees are changing, those deciduous beauteous season predictors. They aren't quite as colorful as they should be, but we haven't much in the way of rain lately. As much as I despise winter, and the trappings it brings, I can not think of anywhere else I would rather be during October. The colors, the cool days, followed by random warm ones, the smell of leaves being crunched and the occaisonal fireplace being lit are representations. I am heading out for a mini solo trip this weekend, to see the vestiges of the maples, watch the oaks take on a different shade. Pics at the myspace, most likely by Monday, if you are interested!

Politics, the art of the possible

2008-09-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

I love politics. I abhor most politicians, but I do so love to follow their rhetoric, point out the hypocrisies and flaws in their logic. Occasionally, I even find one behind whom I can rally, such as he who should have been president, Senators Gore and Kerry (gawd, I loved Kerry.)

I think what draws me to it is the potential power within them to aid 'the people', make life better for the masses. With their pen, they can change lives. With a swish of the wrist, they can put ideas into play. Sometimes, they are the guiding force in life.

Why is it, then, that politicians seldom do what is in the best interest of the people? There is a sort of discrepancy when it comes to the term 'leadership by representation'. Some say a representative should act in accordance with the wishes of those he or she literally represents; other say he or she has the final say in matters on behalf of constituents, regardless of what they actually want. Perhaps if that definition was finalized once and for all, we might get somewhere.

I have kept myself out of the political hoopla this year. I just can't take it again. So depressed was I in '04, I literally sat on my couch bawling sporadically when I would remember that the idiot in chief would not be vacating in '05. I have not watched a speech during the last four years. I get heartburn, see, and hurl things at the TV.

Because I have stayed relatively objective this year, I found this email quite entertaining. By the end of it I was almost in tears, because whomever wrote it did a damned fine job of getting the best one liners and general tone dead on for each of those it parodies. I hope at the least it makes you chuckle, and remember that there are still people out there who can remain objective and have a sense of humor at the same time.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

> BARACK OBAMA:
> The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a
> CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
>
> JOHN McCAIN:
> My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
> recognized the need to engage in operation and dialogue with
> all the chickens on the other side of the road.
>
> HILLARY CLINTON:
> When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
> chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely
> qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every
> chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross
> the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
>
> DR. PHIL:
> The problem we have here is that this chicken won't
> realize that he must first deal with the problem on
> 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the
> problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we
> need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by
> not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding
> 'NEW' problems.
>
> OPRAH:
> Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,
> which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead
> of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take
> falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this
> chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
> not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
>
> GEORGE W. BUSH:
> We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
> We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the
> road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us.
> There is no middle ground here.
>
> COLIN POWELL:
> Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
> satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
>
> ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
> We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have
> not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
> road.
>
> JOHN KERRY:
> Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
> now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was
> misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it
> now, and will remain against it.
>
> NANCY GRACE:
> That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You
> can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
>
> PAT BUCHANAN:
> To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
>
> MARTHA STEWART:
> No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
> going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to
> sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No
> little bird gave me any insider information.
>
> DR SEUSS:
> Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
> toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed
> I've not been told.
>
> ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
> To die in the rain. Alone.
>
> JERRY FALWELL:
> Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
> plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other
> side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you
> eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott
> all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the
> liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases
> like 'the other side. hat chicken should not be crossing
> the road It's as plain and as simple as that.
>
> GRANDPA:
> In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
> road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
> that was good enough.
>
> BARBARA WALTERS:
> Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
> listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart
> warming story of how it experienced a serious case of
> molting, and went on to accomplish its life- long dream of
> crossing the road.
>
> JOHN LENNON:
> Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
> together, in peace.
>
> BILL GATES:
> I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only
> cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
> documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is
> an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much
> more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........
> reboot.
>
> ALBERT EINSTEIN:
> Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
> beneath the chicken?
>
> BILL CLINTON:
> I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
> definition of chicken?
>
> AL GORE:
> I invented the chicken!
>
> COLONEL SANDERS:
> Did I miss one?
>
> DICK CHENEY:
> Where's my gun?
>
> AL SHARPTON:
> Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
> chickens.

Yahoo! personals....a look back....

2008-09-15T02:38:00.001-07:00

I tend to write blogs in the morning simply to get my mind engaged so I don't go back to sleep. Particularly when I've only slept for three hours. Given that I am once again debating whether or not to try Yahoo! personals, I think it is only fair to take a look at some of the great moments in my dabblings with online dating.

First profile...I dive in completely, listing all sorts of information such as exactly where I work, pictures of me and my boogs (just being upfront), blah blah blah. Profile is searchable so it shows up when dudes run a search. Yay me! I think, I'm just about as cool as shredded cheese.

Takes about 28 hours before people who are 50, 60+ years old are sending me emails, wanting to know if I would be interested in meeting and possibly discussing setting a date for marriage. Clearly listed in my profile is the fact that I am seeking dudes between 25 and 30 (I likes 'em younger). Also clearly explained is that I simply want to meet people, have someone with whom I can get to know and spend time, that I am seperated but not finalized as far as divorce goes.

Then I notice one man from Big Rapids is looking at my profile three times a day. I start to see him sitting at the coffee shop tables, doing homework and reading. He never gets a hold of my on Yahoo, but he comes by the coffee shop a few times a day. I send him a message saying either you are really shy, or you are a stalker. Either talk to me or stay away, but I'm uncomfortable with the way you are acting. I delete profile.

Take #2. I create another profile, this time leaving out sensitive personal info. No pics of the kids, although I do list that I have children part time. A fellow we'll call Jared decides to get in touch with me. Nice guy, works a lot, good good. We talk on the phone a bit, set up a date, all is going along swimmingly.

I abhor lying. Living with a pathological one for a long time does that. I asked him at one point if he had a myspace, and he said no, he didn't mess around with that stuff. Fine. Two days before I was to meet him in person, I find his myspace page. Where he all but advertises himself as central Michigan's premiere Weed destination (I'd also told him I will not mess with people who are into pot). I send him an email, telling him about the misrepresentations I'd caught him in, and told him to not contact me again. Its been a year and so far he has not. When will people learn....I have taken extensive training in search engine optimization....if there is something out there, I WILL find it. Sheesh. Delete profile, swearing to never bother with it again.

I didn't, until I was sent an email with Eric's (ex-bf) profile. In order to get in touch with him, I had to create a profile (bastards). So I did, noting that there is indeed a feature that allows me to 'hide' mine from searches and remain hidden until I contact someone. I like that much better; I'll pick you, thanks, and take myself off the 'Barbie on the Shelf' thing. I emailed him, he emailed back, we met in person and dated for six months. Circumstances beyond our control (and my desire to remain a person that does not cheat) led to our parting ways, but the experience with him was relatively positive and I was able to learn a few of the finer points of internet dating, such as:

1. Hide my profile. I seriously get creeped out at the thought of other people in whom I have no interest reading my information. Same as in the real world. If I am not interested in someone, because of his personality, demeanor, or actions, I get very uncomfortable if he makes overt advances on me. I like to be the one to give people permission to approach me (wierd as it sounds, it is totally true.) Letting people I am interested in see my profile, and no one else, cuts down on that anxiety a bit.

2. Be as honest as possible. I tell people upfront I have kids, I'm divorced, that I was married 12 years of my 31, that I can not have any more kids, that one of my kids is differently abled, that I get along swimmingly with my ex husband, and that I really have no tolerance of the Republican Party. This saves my time as well as other peoples. I see no reason to do aimless flirting if the end result is going to be on the first or second date some dude going 'oh, but I want to have kids someday' or he says 'I have a life size cutout of GWB to which I bow.' Neither scenario is going to work out in the long run for either of us, and time is precious these days.

3. Apologize profusely for the lack of photogenicness. I use the 'caption' button to say things like 'my nose REALLY isn't this big', or 'I was being a complete dork when I took this'. I seriously can not take a good shot to save my life, and until Ashleigh the wonder soon to be sister in law has more than two hours of free time, I have to take my own pictures.

That isn't to say I haven't had some good experiences, too. Meeting Eric was one. Another was finding a profile that literally had me in tears because it was so funny. I emailed him just to say 'omg, you are hilarious!' and we struck up a myspace friendship because we're both recently divorced, and amuse each other. He lives too far away to pursue anything (we both think that) but finding people with similar outlooks and going through similar things is always nice. His name is Eric, too. When my profile was public I would get emails from random guys, saying 'hey I thought you had a good profile. I want to wish you luck in life, and even though I don't think we'd be a good match reading yours brought a smile to my face and I wanted you to know that'. Maybe they were b.s.ing me, but little things like that make me happy.

So, as I contemplate and ponder whether or not it is time for me to once again fire up the old profile, I wonder what this next round will bring. I know one thing...I'm defintately fitting my email address in somehow, because if yahoo thinks I'm going to pay them $25 a month to talk to people, they have another think coming (I'm thinking myemail at g mail dot com). Take that, you dastardly javascript and/or CGI programming!

Its oh, so quiet.....

2008-09-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

and that peace will end soon. In 41 minutes, to be exact. Baby Daddy time officially expires then, and I shall load my wee ones up and bring them home, so the house trashing can commence.

I'm almost relieved; I've been bored all day with nothing to do.

I spent a goodly portion of Friday evening through Saturday morning sleeping. 17 hours straight, to be exact. I cleaned everything here twice and did laundry. All of it. Even the blankies in the closet for the company we don't have. Last night I sat here, debating on heading to one of the meat markets here in town to try and play pool, then decided I really wasn't in the mood to get hit on. Or be told how to hold a cue stick.

I did not foresee the forces of loneliness hitting me so hard when I moved to Big Rapids. I'm only 10 miles from Reed City, where my BFF's live. But gas is up, work is to be done, and school is back in session. With the absence of my coffee partner and fellow working/schooling/momming/ mom, there aren't many others with whom I hang. Oh, I talk to people daily far and near, via the Internet (yay, Al Gore! Lets write him in!), but it isn't the same. Being a divorced mom of three smallish people in a town full of swinging singles and responsibility phobes doesn't leave much for a fulfilling social life.

Which isn't to say I completely sat here, playing my tiny violin all weekend. I didn't. Took the chi for a walk around the river, helped Dad tidy up a bit and ran some errands with him. But, when that was all set and done and the football game started, I came back to the quiet. I am coming to grips with solitude all over again, it seems; I forgot that for most of 'my weekends' this year I've had some other partner (or partner in crime) to help me blow through the quiet weekends.

I am trying to use this whole 'lonely' experience as a simulated situation....suppose I were in Idaho, or Washington State? Suppose I am in a completely new environment, where I MUST start over? What would I do? I have thought a lot lately about pulling up stakes once I know what the limitations are on me; is this something I can handle, how would I go about it? It seems odd to have that mentality here, since I've been hanging out in this town for a goodly part of 20 years, but I have to look at it as a new experience.

Once I find a job, it won't be so daunting. I have too much time on my hands. I have too much energy that isn't getting burned, both mentally and physically. I'm coming to grips with truths that I really don't want to, but must. Three days straight of rain and quiet have not helped.

Okay, so now I'm down to 30 minutes quiet time. Methinks some microwaved chinese food is in order; they can't stand the smell of it, and I have a teriyaki chicken calling my name!!

Meh

2008-09-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

I generally try to keep my blogs upbeat in nature, to amuse and lighten the mood of the at least two righteous chicas who peruse my musings.

Today, though, there are no attitudes of folly around these parts; I am a Debby downer today. A mundane Maude have I been for a goodly portion of the evening. There are many factors contributing to it, but as per usual, when all is said and done I will have to admit I am feeling this way, well, because I want to. Meh.

Perhaps it is the hex of hormones, for one to just not be in a chipper mood. I turned in the paperwork to be the lunch lady. Since I delivered it in person, I plan on stopping by next Monday to see what is going on with it. Perhaps Drop off another letter, asking WTF (why, not what) they haven't hired me yet?!

I got my application underway to DeVry, and according to their own standards for acceptance of transfer students, I should be accepted. Yes, I flunked quite a few courses, but my GPA from baker is still 2.7 (yes, I am probably the only person in the history of Baker to have President's list honors on the same transcript with failures. I'm a rebel; a loner.) Looks as if DeVry starts up again October 27, and the academic advisor is pretty confident that we can line the ducks up by then.

My daughter rode the bus today, and "LOVED it". I knew she would. For all her whining, pining, and sobbing, she is a big girl with a desire to be as cool and big as her brother. I was a little scared letting them walk to the bus stop themselves (its about 150 feet away, on the sidewalk next to the apartment), but they assured me they would not play in traffic, throw each other into the street, or do anything else to hurt themselves. So out the door they went, and came back in safe and sound at 4p.m.

So, why, despite all the goodness and looking up-ness am I still a funky Frannie? I have a few ideas on the matter, but I really care to not discuss them. Suffice to say a friend and I have deemed today 'idiot man day', and we are working on a plan to open "anti-rage workout centers" for women, where they can come and listen to loud metal/rock music while beating up punching bags. No men allowed, unless we hire them to serve the water. It will be like hooters...we'll only hire drooly good looking dudes, with their rippling chests, buns of steel, and backs of bliss (I have a thing for backs). She thinks I'm on to something.....

Well, this Tired Tessie is going to bed, where mayhaps she can dream about a Delicious Dennis, or about beating the crap out of a bastardish Brian.

Humor in the want ads

2008-09-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the good folks over at Michigan Works! (I still find that name ironic in a sense, given that we still have the highest unemployment, hence non-working, rate in the country) have jumped on the aggressive marketing bandwagon. Or, as I like to say, 'blowing sunshine up the ass' campaign. Here are a few of the more, inflated, job titles and descriptions I saw tonight:

"Professional Rental Unit Preparation Technician".... the professional preparation technician will be responsible for ensuring each unit in our for rent community is brought to our rigorous standards prior to a new occupant taking possession. Will be performing duties such as carpet, window and window treatment, lavatory, and food preparation area cleaning; resurfacing the walls and trim with paint, and performing any other improvements and/or necessary repairs.

Wow, for all that, they need a maintenance person. There was a '"Professional Rental Unit Preparation Technician" at Crossroads; He had two screws loose, was in love with Cricket, and had to work three other jobs to support his wife and daughter. Yep, for all those over-inflated, thesaurus laden descriptions, the position was minimum wage.

"Canine Sanitation Technician" The canine sanitation technician will ensure that the parks and recreation area of X county are kept clear of any canine excrement. Will also treat grassy areas with chemicals in an attempt to revive those areas affected by urine. This position requires a keen eye, the ability to walk, bend, lift, use tools for the removal of feces, possess a chauffer's license, and must pass a drug screen and background check.

Yup, pooper scooper. Also for minimum wage. At least this one is a full time position. I guess dogs that poo alot and lazy owners are pretty popular in that town (I forget where it was).

"Help Desk Technician" The help desk technician will provide technical support to the tech support team. Knowledge of MS operating systems, the ability to install and configure hardware and software, knowledge of databases, and attention to detail are required. This position requires a high school diploma and two years working experience with computers.

OK....you are going to bail out the help desk technicians when they are stumped. You are going to help the people that help your customers. Why don't you just cut them out, and hire the ones who are smart enough to do it the first time around?! This job pays between $15 and $18/hr, with no degree required....the same company has a web designer position listed, but that one takes a bachelor's degree and four years designing experience for consideration. I think this company is run by Bizarro......

Oh, and Alex, The Frosty Cup is one of Cadillac's Premiere Dining Destinations now =0)

**************************

Tomorrow, I am going to turn in a resume/application/blood and urine samples to be considered for a 'food preparation technician' at a charter school here in br....thats right, kids, I want to be a lunch lady when I grow up. Seriously, though, it pays nine bucks an hour, 25 hours a week, and mirrors the kids' school schedule, so I won't have to worry about daycare at all. This tenure here in BR is a pit stop, nothing more, and therefore I don't really care anymore what I have to do while I'm here....I just have to do something! So, Alex, if Woodbridge Group calls asking about me, I have a mad work ethic and I was cleared of all charges in that exlax in the brownies incident ;0)

Take that, you financial aid with-holding nazis!

2008-09-06T18:55:00.000-07:00

I have given Baker College Online the boot.

Actually, they sort of took the boot, tied it up and shoved it in a closet, and are holding it over my head. So, in retaliation and out of sheer spite, I went out and found a shinier, more popular version of the same boot.

I'm sure it will cost more, but that is not the point. That, my friends, is why deferments and forebearences exist.

Basically, Baker says I took too long to earn my degree. So, after two appeals denied, and with only seven courses (roughly 20 ish credits) left to complete, my option to finish with them is to pay out of pocket (my pockets are empty these days).

I've been in touch with DeVry University (online); they offer an associates in Web and Graphic Design. They would LOVE for me to transfer, and will give me as many credits as possible, so I can finish as fast as possible. Because they, like I, think its sort of bullshit that I qualify for aid, but Baker won't disperse it.

So, my new, improved, plan is to get the assoc. ASAP, then move up to a Bachelor's program in...wait for it.....Small Business Ownership/Entreprenuership. Figuring, of course, that I can land a decent designing job somewhere else, live smart for awhile while working on the BA, do research on options to get enough cash to start a business, then open my own swingingly groovy coffee shop somewhere.

Bam, pow, screw off, Baker, and you're '98% of our graduates are employed' bull. There is a new boot in town, and its called DeVry. Which is more highly accredited than you are, btw.

Hoping to be able to start in late October.

When its wrong to be strong

2008-09-03T20:04:00.001-07:00

There is a common misconception that people who are capable of exhibiting strength of character means they are strong. Don't get me wrong; women are strong. Always have been, always will be. Raising eight kids during a depression? That takes strength. Watching the father of your children board a plan to go get shot at and keeping a stiff upper lip? Strong times five. Facing down a pit of rabid vipers and defending your plan to give universal health care? Strong to the 15th power. You get it...women and their strength have been the foundations of our societies since time began. Without their strength, we'd still be living in caves and using our appendices.

Physical strength is easy to ascertain; if one can lift, push, pull, or otherwise move a heavy object, it is said that he or she is 'strong'. By pounds, or kilos, or whatever sort of weight system is in place, we put a value on physical strength.

What about emotional strength? How is that measured? By dealing with crisis after crisis, by not giving up and hiding in the corner? By being able to function alone, in this mad world of ours, without a partner? Perhaps it is one of those gray areas in life, where it depends on the judge and his or her own ideas on the matter.

I grew up thinking I had a strong mother. Strong in the sense that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could stop the woman. If something had to be done, it got done. If something needed to be moved, she moved it. If someone needed to be tossed aside for dragging her down, out they went. Completely independent, in terms of financially, emotionally, socially. Just her and three kids, constantly plowing through life. I have yet to this day see my mother cry. EVER.

I understand now that it was not necessarily a matter of inner strength; there was no one else. There can be no slack when no one is there to pick it up for you. No time for crying when no one will be there to hand you a tissue. Fall on your ass, and you are stuck there, for no one will be there at the ready to pull you back up. I reached a point where, like my mom, life became a great big game of trust...you know, where one falls backward and the other stands behind to catch them? Well, fall once and you come to realize...it hurts when you hit the ground.

Are people who rely on others for comfort and emotional support weaker than my mother, or me? No. Are people who go through life with someone by their side doing that because they have to? Some, perhaps, but a goodly number of people are coupled because they want to be. They have no less fortitude of soul than the next person.

By my old way of thinking, I am indeed a strong person. In fact, I've been called the Ice Queen (because when it comes to love and matters of emotional intimacy, I give off a cold shoulder), told I hate men because I give off a 'don't mess with me' vibe, and have literally injured myself because of my stubborn attitude toward admitting and seeking out help. That, I believe now, takes strength away from me. It is the strong who truly understand their limits, and will reach out to others when those limits are pushed. A strong person accepts herself, limitations and all, and opens herself up so that others can see the side that sometimes needs a hand to hold hers, or to squeeze a shoulder for encouragement. A strong person faces her fears, without abandon, rather than hiding behind the shell she shows the world.

I am weak in that I can not bring myself to drop this exterior of mine, out of fear. It has taken a lifetime for me to get to this point, where I can act completely nonchalant with someone, while wanting nothing more than to tell him I don't want him to exit my life. I can think of no scarier thought than giving someone the power to reject me. Line me up in front of a firing squad and I'll show them the birdies before they do their thing; just don't make me admit I need someone, heaven forbid.

I learned last week (on the wine laden impromptu camping trip) that Mr. Inc is indeed leaving Michigan most likely the minute he graduates. Therefore, he will not make any promises, or enter into any commitments that he can not be certain can be kept. The kicker....he thinks I'm 'a strong enough person to hear the truth'.

I'm sick of being strong.

A true and blessed miracle....

2008-09-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

I hate broccoli. It stems back to the early days of son the elder occupying the womb; in an attempt to ensure he had a fully functioning brain stem, I ate the crap daily. The nurse told me I had to, that broccoli aids in proper brain development for the fetus. So I noshed on the shite whenever i could...without dip.

Then, on one particularly warm June weekend, I forgot my lunchbag in the locker at work. Where there was broccoli left over. Where it sat until I came back to work on Monday. When I opened the locker, the stench was, shall we say, enough to send a first time, first trimester preggo chic heading for the porcelain throne.

And from that day on, the mere sight of a floret turns my stomach. I can't bring myself to touch it, and I usually refer to it as 'the most wretched of roughage'. The miracle for today, you see, was when I opened my steaming container of microwave beef pepper stir fry, there was only ONE clump of broccoli, sitting on top, allowing me to remove it all in one fell swoop. No contaminating the beef and the peppers and carrots and rice with its awefulness, at least not today.

Hallelujah!!

***************
I've also decided that Baker can kiss my derriere. I appealed AGAIN to be taken off academic suspension and have my financial aid reinstated; they denied me again. This time, I included medical documentation of the ex husband's bout with stage 3 cancer, as well as his treatment schedules showing how I was driving back and forth to Grand Rapids to get him there. I included statements showing the financial hardships we were enduring, as well as my own records documenting my nervous breakdown/borderline personality disorder (which had ALOT to do with my forgetting everything else in my life in the face of a catastrophe, whether real or imagined.) You get the point....my brother had told me that the more one writes and sends, the more likely she is to win the appeal. This was my second attempt, and again I was denied.

If I can cough up $600 to take one class and pay for it, I can get the financial aid back. Sadly, though, right now I can't get $60 saved, let alone $600 by October. I am tired of trying to explain myself to these people, tired of knowing that I qualify for aid to go to school, but because some oversight board thinks I'm taking too long, the last six classes I need are sort of un-takeable. Screw 'em, I says.

Right now, I'm looking into the University of Phoenix, to see if my credits will transfer. We go on quarters, not semesters, so it is up in the air. They have a few programs, paraprofessional for classrooms and legal assisting (maybe I could get the brother to open a practice and hire me). Ferris offers an Entrepreuner certificate program, that teaches one how to conceptualize a business, write a plan for it, seek out capital, yadda yadda. Working for myself would rock, and I would love to open a coffee shop somewhere cool, that serves Fair trade coffee and has comfy couches and isn't publicly traded. Oohh, but to daydream forever....

**************
The daughter is having major anxiety over a new school. I think things are catching up to her, or she's already inheriting my anxiety problems. She begged me (with tears, and hiccups, and clenched fists) to marry Daddy, so he can come live with us again when I tucked her in. I said I couldn't, which naturally means I'm just being a meanie. Usually in times like this, I fantasize about the day, when they are older, that they will be able to understand that it was not my fault for sending Daddy away, that he walked away of his own accord. I can't do anything about it now, children barely understand the concepts of love, and I don't want to poison their minds with too much information about the dastardly things adults do to each other, or the consequences thereof. By the end of the week my daughter will be ruling the new class, and she will have forgotten that she was afraid people will hate her, or steal her stuff, or see her underwear.

Don't laugh, that girl can be quite the exhibitionist.

Goodbye, summer

2008-08-30T17:26:00.000-07:00

That last weekend for summer-ness is upon us. I find myself, as I seem to do on every holiday, kidless. It just works out that way, with our alternating weekend schedule. I save my 'oh, hell no's' for the important ones...Turkey Day, Christmas day, ones like that.

But still...being single while knowing mainly married couples presents a sort of challenge. Naturally, being happily married, they like to spend time together (go figure, when I was married that didn't happen much without complaining....), so their respective families have fun things to do....swimming, going on trips, picnics and the like. At night, they want to again spend time with their families. Once in a while I can twist the arm of a married friend to shoot some pool with me, or partake in a brew or two, but it is usually done in haste, so the hubby can be gone home to. And that is fine...I remember those days. I think my divorce motivated more than a few friends to re-examine the quality of their own marriages, and I've seen more than one couple make efforts to remain close. Good for them.

That still leaves me with too much free time and not enough to fill it. So, I sleep. Or, I clean and organize things that don't need to be organized, before I sleep again. I go out, alone once in awhile, to see couples everywhere I look, and begin to wonder what is fundamentally flawed with me that I can not attain the same thing. Then I come back home and .....you guessed it....sleep.

I have began to wonder if I am one of those people who will have a string of relationships, each one better than the previous, yet not destined to be life long. Perhaps I am meant to touch many lives, to show each person a side of humanity they have not previously seen. I have come to understand that people enter and exit my life for a reason, and when it is time for them to go it is because I have learned what I need from them and vice versa. I am on speaking terms with most of my exes, and am fairly close to more than one of them now.

As for the rest of this holiday weekend, I will use it for R and R. Whether or not that is solitary time or I find someone with whom I can fill it, I will enjoy the sun and the warm and the quiet before we return to the pace of school-day life. This will go down as a great summer for me, not only for the extra time I got to spend with the kids (unemployed, but whatever) but because I have come to terms with aspects of my life and my role in this wacky game of life. I met an amazing person, who I can see being a lifelong friend if nothing more, and I was able to settle closer to civilization than I have in a decade.

Besides, the leaves are changing! My favorite time of year is autumn, and if its as warm as I suspect it will be, bonus for me and my digital camera!

This and that-ness

2008-08-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

I have son the elder and daughter the baby all set for their new school. Both are anxious, of course, about getting to know a new school and teacher and classmates; they are, however, fairly well adjusted kids, and I'm sure within five minutes they will each have a new bestie. Son is in a male teacher's class; the gentlemen is the son of my former fifth grade teacher, and seems like a good guy. He talked to son elder for about five minutes, about this and that, showing him around the classroom, and it wasn't even determined he would be placed in that class. I was glad to hear he got him.

There will be a little boy in the class who, I believe, has spina bifida. I'm expecting son will make friends with this boy fairly quick; he has a compassionate nature and tends to gravitate toward the kids that get overlooked or are on the fringe...and even as young as fourth grade, it is obvious to which clique someone belongs. I think the other little boy is a new student, and I've explained to the son why it is important to make an extra effort with those with special needs--because not everyone understands them, and a lot of times kids will leave others out because they don't know how to start a conversation or something.

But, the clothes are hanging, the old stretched out unders have been tossed, and we're getting back on the bed by eight/up by seven schedule. I'm looking forward to six hours of not screaming time, personally.

**********
I learned last week that wine makes me talk. Too much. In the middle of what was shaping up to be a fairly decent make out session, I let it slip that I find Mr. Inc , well, amazing is how I put it. His reaction....'I'm leaving in December, and I don't want to make any promises that I might not keep'. Sigh. I knew that. I've come to terms with it, and frankly I don't care, because I enjoy being around him that much. I said even if I never see him after December, this summer and whatever transpires between us over autumn will have been one of the best experiences of my life. Then I passed out. I really need to get the inner monologue fixed or something.

***********
The ex is driving me nuts again. Nothing in particular, I think I tend to take my frustrations out on him. Maybe he deserves it, maybe he doesn't, I don't know. Lately I've been getting annoyed that we seem sort of interdependent upon each other...over custody, just little things. I'm starting to see the rest of my life shape up to be one where I remain close to him for the children's sake, yet at the same time overseeing him, as well. I'll say something like 'oh, this weekend the kids want to do this' and he'll say 'eh, how about two days instead of three? We need to do X". And I want to scream at him, fuck you, deal with it yourself! No one gives a crap when I'm sick, or tired, or have to run paperwork all over town while toting the kids around. Never did, in the past. But when its his weekends, unless he has three free and clear days to lock them all in the house and do video game rotations, it 'isn't good for him'. The real world is still hidden from view, and I think I am at least in part responsible for keeping it out of sight.

************
I'm looking forward to the weekend. Some old pals are coming up this way and want to have a meet up. I can sleep in. Or stay out late. The house will stay clean for at least three days, and perhaps I can pick up where i left off on that make out session (while keeping my mouth shut and thoughts to myself this time.) Final weekend of summer, it seems, is upon us, and I intend to make the most of it.

Branching out a bit.....

2008-08-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

in terms of the job searching. I've applied for no less than five positions (of graphic and web designing nature) tonight; tomorrow I shall apply to be a Moderately Cognitively Impaired aide, an attendant at an animal shelter, and a receptionist/web content updater. I've decided it is a waste of my time to keep putting in applications around the greater BR area. None of them are hiring, and the one place that does ever hire web designers generally hires friends of current employees (after advertising for the position, of course.)

I have been thinking for awhile now that I am not in the right place. Haven't been in ages, if ever. Just doesn't feel right, you know? It isn't as bad as when I was living in the glorified hunting blind up in LeRoy, but still....things don't seem to mesh well here. Day to day existence is hard enough to achieve, let alone putting away for a future or extracurricular activities. I'm tired of living this life, of imaging my kids doing the same thing in 15 to 20 years.

I've mentioned moving downstate to a few people, and pretty much get met with the same response...."but you can't do that! You won't know anybody!" Its funny....that was the same thing I heard when I'd planned to go to Eastern, from pretty much the same people; I've let other people's doubts about myself become mine for almost my entire life. I don't doubt myself much anymore.

Of course, there are the kidlets to take into account. And, betwixt you and me, I honestly am considering letting them stay with their father for this upcoming school year. While I transplant myself and see what transpires with that. I would have visitation, of course, and keep the joint legal/physical custody as it is, but imagine if at the end of next school year I could move them somewhere where we are comfortable, and not scraping by, with culture and things to see! I teach by example not to be afraid to go to unchartered territory, to blaze new trails so when they grow up and it is time for them to find their own paths, they are prepared to do so.

Still in the pondering stages right now; obviously I am not going to move to GR or Ann Arbor without having myself a job there. But if I land one, and still haven't had so much as an interview here.......

**********
On a more not cheery note, I have not heard from Mr. Inc in over a week. This in itself is not unusual; he's busy and I'm busy and we're both cool with that. The unsettling part is that last weekend was his monthly Army drill weekend. On Wed. he sent me an email saying he was still on duty (weird, because it was only weekend time--he should have been released last Sunday). That is the last i have heard from him, which tells me he is still not back in town (he calls when he's home, usually, so we can catch up or have dinner or something). He hasn't answered an email, which is strange, because he usually sneaks in an email here or there. Considering that he reported for duty the day after the stuff hit the fan in the Caucuses, and he is a combat engineer (which means he goes in and surveys bomb damage, then fixes it), and Bush is itching to get involved in that mess, I am wondering if he got deployed with little notice (when he went to Iraq he had 12 hours to get his shit and report for deployment.) We'd talked about going camping in a few weeks the last time I saw him (his idea), so I seriously doubt he's doing the 'fall off the face of the planet because he doesn't have the cajones to dump me' thing. Its all just very out of character, and knowing that the Army is doing their best to convince him to sign on for longer when his contract is up in December, I have a very strange feeling about it.

**********
So, back to the positive. I will keep casting my line out in the job sea, and see what, if anything, bites. Wish me luck!

Wake up calls, vols. 1-3

2008-08-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

I brought a bit of a reality check to someone today. Long overdue, perhaps. Actually, there are a few points:

1. I have completely, irrevocably, and undeniably had it with my ex-hubby's parental units. Seems that while son the eldest was away at their place for a week long 'holiday from his mom and siblings, which he NEEDS (their words), they had lots of questions for him and things that he had to know. They wanted to know, in detail, about any 'man friends' I may have brought around. Son the eldest tells them about Mr. Inc, and our jaunt to the lake, but since they had it in their heads my front door is of the revolving nature, they kept plugging away at the poor boy. 'Does Mom ever have other friends come over?' Did Mr. Inc stay the night with her when you guys all went to the lake?' Now, I've raised me a good boy, and he told them nothing but the truth....he rode in the car, bought us lunch, tossed the boys in the waves for a few hours, then promptly got in his car and left when we got back, because he had work to do. Which was, of course, true. Oh, and he gave Mommy a hug. Which he did. They also felt the need to inform my son (9 year old son) that 'your mom doesn't know Jesus, and she is going to go to hell if she doesn't accept him and start living the way he wants her to.' My son had two nervous breakdowns yesterday, and I believe they were caused in part by a feeling of tension, conflicting loyalty (he wanted to tell her she was wrong, but he knows you don't argue with Gramma), and being confused because he couldn't figure out if he had done anything wrong by answering their questions and not standing up for me. I held that boy while he sobbed for half an hour, the whole time wishing I could have five minutes alone with them.

So, part one of my wake up call is this: these people no longer deserve to have a part in my children's lives. And I am not going to put them through it again. From the way he reacted, I know he wasn't making it up. There was no put-on drama or crocodile tears; the kid was literally sobbing with his whole body. I have told them several times in the past if they have something to say to me or want to know something to ask ME directly, and not try to whittle it out of my son. They respect no one and care about no one, and I will extend them the same courtesy where my kids are concerned.

Part Two of the wake up call.....I informed the ex that there is a possibility that I might move out of state at some point. 'What? I thought we were going to live a few blocks away from each other for the rest of our lives?!' Dear, sweet ex-hubby....he suffers from these delusions where he believes if he thinks something is true, it will be so. I explained that I am not going to be content living as I am now forever, so my kids can wind up where we are because there is no chance to sustain let alone better themselves. That while I enjoy the once a week conversations with him, I'm not going to live a few blocks away forever, knowing that in the future he's going to be getting married and living the happy fam life with another woman and my children. He asked me if the guy I'm seeing has anything to do with this, and I said a little....because I see how people thrive and succeed when they step out of their comfort zones and spread their wings and let the winds carry them where they need to be. I told him the hardest thing I ever had to accept was that he wasn't 'mine' anymore, and to let him go and be happy for what he has now. He said he's still working on accepting that. He never was a 'get out of the comfort zone' kind of fellow, the ex; we stayed married as long as we did because he was afraid to NOT be married. I told him I want to have a chance to provide for the kids, to see more of the world and experience new places. He was a little shocked, I think. When I look back now, I see how different we were....I was always trying to rush ahead, down new paths, and he was holding the reins, wanting to move slowly and stay right where he felt safe. Neither of us is wrong, we are just different.

Wake up call #3: During his breakdown yesterday, son the eldest revealed that he wants to spend more time with his Dad. That had been weighing on his mind, as well; wanting to tell me that, but being afraid it would hurt me if he told me that. My son is always hugging me, and saying he loves me, and I know he's doing it so I know I'm loved and feel happy. He has such a big heart. I told him I know he misses his Dad, and thats okay. Its okay, too, to want to stay with him more so he can see him more than a few days every other weekend. We hadn't mentioned to the kids about our plan to split custody more equally, and once I told him that he felt better. Kids see the world in black and white still; the gray areas have yet to emerge, and to him wanting to live with Dad must equal not wanting to live with Mom, which wasn't true, but he feared that is what I would think and it would make me sad. So, he does what all the good M***n men do, and internalize until it comes seething out as anger or a nervous breakdown.

I'm thinking the kid could use a counselor, maybe one session a week would suffice.

I could use a calgon moment followed by an eighteen hour nap. Its been one eff of a draining weekend!!

If a memory is a ghost....

2008-08-04T21:35:00.000-07:00

then I fear my brain is irrevocably haunted. As soon as I believe I am ready to turn a corner and spit in the face of past demons, they show again, and I cower in the corner as I did before. I don't want to do this. I thought I was past all of that, had the little bastards bound and gagged and locked away, never to be seen by my psyche again.

Perhaps I was just in denial? I don't know. The guy I am seeing is incredible. Hence the moniker. Seriously. He's mature. He holds at least two jobs at a time. He doesn't party until the work is done, including the school work. He pays. All the time. He actually asks me in depth questions because he just really, really wants to know my answer. And despite the fact that he could pull off the string of horny college girls by picking them up at bars, that sort of thing completely disgusts him, which is why he's been single for the entire duration of his stay in Big Rapids.

If body language is to be believed, this guy holds me in a high esteem; somewhere below his mother and slightly above Mother Theresa. He uses 'we' alot. He named his dog after me (Jessi) so she would 'grow up to be something, and beautiful'. He spends as much free time as he has (which is next to nothing, with the working and school and finishing up his projects for graduating and doing the Army stuff and maintaining positive friendships). He plays with my hair more than he tries to get down my shirt, and he kisses me goodbye on the forehead. So why aren't we 'together'?

Because I would rather walk across broken glass than start that conversation. He is, I believe, waiting for me to initiate it. One of the things I realized after I'd been on my own for a bit was how I am incapable of initiating intimacy, whether physical or emotional. I can flirt like crazy, with minimal self-consciousness these days; but actually put myself in a place where I could get rebuked? No way, Jose. I had enough of that while I was married.

The ex's family has a propensity for emotional blackmail. They don't think that is what it is; Its just 'how they are'. Oh, and they are control freaks, so if something isn't their idea than it is wrong. Or not something they want, so it doesn't get done. It was like that with the ex. I'd go to hug him and he'd turn on a dime and walk the other direction. I would attempt to cuddle and get a plethora of excuses why that wasn't going to happen. For about eight or nine years of my marriage, we had sex only when it was started by him. I quit trying, realizing it wasn't going to do me any good and I was tired of being shot down and having to internalize the fallout.

Its easy to say 'I won't be this way anymore', but in practice the same anxieties come up. He mentioned that he tends to build relationships slowly; in actuality, he's opened up quite a bit to me and let me in on more than I believe he realizes. I would bring up my own demons, but I really don't want Mr. Inc to think I am some big jumble of mental fucked upness that I expect him to fix; I'm already coming into this with three mini-me's, and he thinks they are great kids and is somewhat intrigued by all of them. I think there are more reasons for him to walk away before its too late, and I don't want to add to that burden.

I'm not looking for an easy answer, I've just been pondering the last few days over which course of action (or inaction) to take....enjoy this slow, getting to know each other better pace and see what transpires, or pull a Shakespere and pronounce my desire to slap a ball and chain on his ass because he's the first adult man I've really known who not only works, but can also clean up after himself AND makes me salads for breakfast. With croûtons. Oh, did I mention he actually brings me coffee?
********************************

Today, Jamie ate the foam covers off my ear buds again (this was a $10 pair), removed the screen from my second story window and tossed it to the ground, slapped my DVD player because it wasn't loading fast enough, and deleted an entire folder of stuff I was doing. 28 more days until he can go back to school. I hope he makes it.

My former monster in law speaks for the big G

2008-07-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

That is right. The Lord has told her that I need to come to him, accept Jesus as my personal savior, so that I shall get into heaven rather than burn in hell, as I am doomed to do. She dropped Connor off today, and the un-brainwashing commences tomorrow.

Oh, and she's happy that my son likes my boyfriend. Sweet. I guess she gave Connor the first degree (most likely to prove that I'm fornicating or something), and he told her about the trip to the lake where Mr. Inc accompanied us.

Back to the former....a little history. On the night my nephew was born ten weeks premature, I told God I was sorry for blaming him for the evils that plagued my childhood. I said I forgave him for taking my first baby away, because I knew that we weren't ready for it, and when He felt we were, we would be waiting. I plead for him to keep my new nephew safe, and to allow him to get stronger, and give his parents strength while they waited out the night (they weren't sure if the baby would make it.)

I was filled with such a peace at thinking those words, I began to cry. It was as if there was a warmth coming from me, that I had never felt before, and I knew that God had heard me. We understood each other, I believe, for the first time since I was little. He realized that I'd turned away because I thought he allowed people to hurt me, and I understood for the first time that he does not always have the power to stop evil people. I was saved that night, my nephew is now 11 years old, and about two weeks later I got pregnant with son the eldest.

I have explained this in great detail to the former in laws, on several occasions. They think I'm well intended, but still not getting it, because I didn't recite the exact prayer that was written in the Left Behind series. And, because I don't go to church with them. More specifically, I refuse to attend any church they do, and say that whatever they believe is absolutely correct where what I believe is pretty much bullshit.

I have gone so far as to say I have prayed over whether or not I should attend any church they attend, and usually when I consult the bible and do a random open and read, I get something to the effect of 'beware of wolves in sheeps clothing' and to be wary of teachings that fly in the face of what Jesus stood for. The ex inlaws like churches that tell their congregations that They are the only ones good enough to make it into heaven, that anyone who doesn't believe exactly as they do need to see the error of their ways and get with the program, or hear 'I told you so' while burning in a lake of fire for all eternity.

What really turned me off to even thinking about seeking spiritual enlightenment with them was when I found out the ex mom in law had formed a prayer group at one church, and the sole purpose of this group was to pray for bad things to keep happening to the ex-husband (her son, remember!) until he either married the girlfriend or stopped living with her (we weren't even divorced then). That literally made me nauseous when I heard about that; where did Jesus ever say 'pray for people to suffer until they do what you would like!' I stopped letting them take my kids to that church, as well, for the same reason.

I don't go to church because I have yet to find one that doesn't at some point start falling victim to the power struggles and getting caught up in the trappings of humankind. My own uncle is a minister, and I don't go to his church because most of the congregation make fun of him behind his back and argue out loud about how the place is decorated. WTF?? I'd rather take the kids on a nature walk, pointing out the wonderous things God created, and answering any questions they have as best I can. I don't think all churches are like this, just the ones I ask about and hear about and attempt to visit.

I long to point out the hypocrisy of the former in laws, that they are intolerant and judgmental and just as caught up in the world as I am, just in different ways (hello, they have like 1000 movies and DVDs! I love my computer, they love the boob tube.) That rather than help their son and his family, they sat by and charged us to fill water buckets from their taps when we didn't have running water. but I know it would do no good. I've thought about reciting the sinner's prayer in front of them, but then remember that it really isn't any of their business to determine whether I'm 'good enough' to get into heaven or not, or whether God and I have a good relationship. I'm not a kisser and a teller, never have been. Last I checked, that job fell to the big G in the sky, and according to him, I'm to stay as far away from these people as I can. He tells me by giving me a divine migraine whenever I must deal with them.

Sometimes Karma isn't so sweet

2008-07-28T06:28:00.000-07:00

I am a firm subscriber to the theory of karma. It is one of those philosophies that I believe smudges the lines between the spiritual and the logical. You get what you give; do unto others and all that jazz. Some think its as full of shit as a donkey pasture; others, like myself, keep that in mind when we get up each day to remind us to be good to one another.

It takes longer to get the good back than it does to get the bad back. But, I wait patiently, knowing that someday all of my good deeds, attitude, and just plain goodness will indeed be rewarded. I thought it would be equally sweet when those who, shall we say, wronged me got theirs.

Well, its coming around, and I am taking little to no satisfaction in it. Frankly, its starting to give me a headache.

It seems life with the girlfriend is not all the ex thought it would be. She's helpless. She can't do anything unless he is right there beside her, cheering her on or holding her hand. She doesn't see the point in striving to better themselves, for its much easier to stay perpetually unemployed and qualify for the piddly little handouts that are offered (and I don't mean just until they are on their feet....she thinks its a lifestyle, which frees up time for video game playing and sleeping late). Her family is as whacked out as his, and she caters to hers much the same way he always catered to his. They've been together over a year now....and are no better off and aren't much more secure than they were a year ago.

I talked to him last night, and he said he misses me. I said I miss you, too (because I only talk to him once or twice per month now that they aren't living in town). He says no, I miss being with you. He thinks about me all the time. He can't get my voice out of his head, or forget how it felt to be beside me. I said its too bad you couldn't have realized all of this before you left to live with her. He knows that was the point of no return.

This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. It usually occurs when I start seeing someone new; I think he fears that someone will eventually make me happier than I ever was with him. It was different, though.

And, believe it or not, I feel a little sorry for the girlfriend. I know how she feels. I know she's probably getting that 'someone else is on my mind' vibe from him. She follows him around if I'm there (for the five minutes it takes to drop the kids off). She says she doesn't trust me. I know I don't need to feel empathy for her; she's the reason I understand how she feels. I think the ex is caught up in a vicious cycle of have someone/get bored/pine for someone else/cross the line/leave, rinse repeat just to keep things interesting. I've suggested a very good therapist to him on several occasions, but he's yet to do anything about it. He hates it when I'm right, and when it comes to him I usually am.

I got off the phone last night, questioning myself for a minute. Did I do the right thing, divorcing him? He's asked me no fewer than four times now if he left her could he come back? I say no; he'd just be running from one thing to another, and he needs time to sort out what he wants in life and take care of himself for awhile. So he stays, because he doesn't know how to be alone. I've told him the first three days are the worst; after that, its pretty pleasant.

I laid on my bed, remembering how much I despised myself when we were together. We bring out the worst in each other. When we are together, he becomes excessively dominating. I become excessively placating, because I have always had it in my head that when people are angry with me, they cease loving me. Totally irrational, for sure, but I've yet to be able to erase that belief from my psyche. We start resenting each other because we aren't happy with how we are each acting, and invariably push each other away. I did that roller coaster for almost twelve years, and I really don't want to get on it again.

So, karma. I try to be his friend when I can. I hope that one day he understands I am not just playing a game with him, that for once putting myself first is coming before him and his uber fragile ego. I really hope he understands that relationships are supposed to be more than matters of convenience, and you can't just tell people what they want to hear if it isn't sincere. My parents (particularly my mother) don't understand why it is important for me to get along with him or treat him as I would any other human walking the planet; they don't believe in karma.

Mother

2008-07-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

I have always had a sort of irrational relationship with my mother. From an early age, I remember thinking she didn't like me much. She never did outwardly do anything to contradict this hypothesis of mine; instead, the way she went about treating my siblings reinforced this in my head.

I have spent most of the last decade or so, I believe, in a sort of denial. Since becoming a mother myself, I gained a new perspective on how a mother treats her child(ren). Looking back, I can see how difficult it was for her, with three on her own, and I understand now that she was simply unable to give me the attention and affection I wanted from her. I think it was during that time I learned to shut off the desire for closeness, true closeness and absolute understanding of the love of another.

Someone who observed us together recently described the relationship I have with my mother as that of 'mild acquaintances', who like each other fine but not enough to work diligently enough to build a closeness. I think that is a pretty accurate description. I have learned enough in the past that I am not going to be a priority in my mother's life; my children, yes, and through them me, but by myself, not so much. She doesn't understand the choices I make or from where the beliefs I hold come. I don't understand how she can hold on to such negativity, or hostility.

Over time, I have developed a thick skin when it comes to her. The comments about my heavier weight fall on deaf ears most of the time. The comments about 'trying hard, but not succeeding' at marriage don't bother me much anymore. I've learned to tune out the snide remarks about how I'll 'never find work as a web designer' and wasted money on going to school for it.

These days, her major and new gripe about me is the fact that I am dating again. I was telling her this afternoon about a dinner I had with Mr. Incredible yesterday, how nice it is to spend time with an actual grown up, yadda yadda. Her response was 'he can't be that great if he's going to get himself messed up with a woman with three kids. Can't he do better?' My mom (even when she was younger) viewed being single and having children as an impairment of the social realm, and figures anyone stupid enough to settle for it must have some sort of problem to prevent them from finding a 'better' person. The sad thing is, I didn't even bat an eye; I'm used to it.

The one time in my life where I felt completely at ease with myself, and like an adult all of the time, was when I lived four hours away from my parents, away from the constant criticisms and snide comments and just general attitude that I will, eventually, fuck up everything I attempt. I am beginning to think if I am ever going to make anything of myself, it is going to be far away, where her and my father's negativity isn't going to smother me anymore.

I love my mother; I just don't know how to show her that. I know she loves me; she just doesn't know how to show me that. I have been trying my entire life to do something to prove my worth as a human to her, and if she hasn't seen it in 31.5 years, it is highly unlikely she ever will. Which is unfortunate; I'd hoped after this past year she'd finally be proud of me.

One of 'those' days

2008-07-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

'Those' being the term I'm using to describe the sort of day where my son numero dos decides to practice 'typical' autism behaviors. The quotes are there because he does not typically do things like blink morse code, wave his fingers before his eyes, jump off the counter, or have accidents of the bathroom nature much anymore.

But every now and then, just for the sake of maintaining his status as a disabled child, he likes to make sure those and other skills are honed, just in case someone should come a-calling to verify that he is, indeed, Autistic, and not just exceptionally quiet.

It is funny watching him hand flap, rock in time to a rhythm only he can hear, and finger paint with peanut butter on these occasions; he never does these things anymore. I haven't heard him utter a word all day. He's reverted for the moment back to the guttural clucking and clicking of his pre-diagnosis days. He won't quit poking the dog's eyes; he runs shrieking (and not in delight) when we attempt to hug him today.

These are the days that make me truly appreciate exactly how far he has come in the last few years. Every day could be this sort of day, and I know children for whom all of the things I've listed are par for the course. I am one of the lucky ones. He knows his name now, as well as his mom and dad's first and last names. He can brush his own teeth, sort of wash his own hair, and more days than not wears the same pair of underoos all day long. There are parents who have given up the hope of ever reaching those milestones, and others who allow their frustration to cloud the judgment when their children do accomplish things and make progress.

Tonight I am expecting a 'tuck him in' marathon, followed by a waking for the day at 2 a.m. His sleep habits get disturbed when the old behaviors rear their heads. It will pass within a day or so; it always does. Soon he will be back to his 'old' self, saying our names, singing songs, changing passwords on my computer and drawing masterpieces on the flat paint, stuccoed walls. No matter how he behaves, though, he is loved and accepted. I like to think he knows that.

We have a winner....and there he goes....

2008-07-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

So, the meeting of the kids went well. The kids loved Mr. Incredible. He had quite the time with them, tossing various child after another through the waves, carrying the daughter because she was 'too tired', and marveling after Jamie's lack of wearing out after four hours. He even sent me a message and called me a few days later; clearly, the live combat he faced prepared him for an afternoon of school children.

I met him today for a cup of coffee (we have that in common, a love of strong coffee) before I picked my kids up from their father's. He had some news; it is good news, but at the same time a little not so good. He is going to graduate this December instead of Next May. That is good, because between the missionary trips he took (he's an excommunicated Mormon), the army, the war, and other such things, he's been in school for almost eight years to get his bachelor's degree. He'll get a great job somewhere, perhaps civil engineering, or working for a company doing geomapping. Heck, he'll probably do both. I am happy for him in that regard.

Where is the not so good part? I had a plan (I always have a plan), and it was coming together rather nicely. First, we'd be friends. That was covered within, oh, five minutes of meeting. Next, we'd go out and enjoy ourselves whilst getting to know one another better. Check, check. Finally, with my feminine wiles (lol) and witty ways, I would captivate the heart of this person, who lives independently, works three jobs, still has time to volunteer lifeguard, and probably donates blood every three months. Happily ever after, and all that jazz. Shit, I'd even untie my tubes just to grant him the opportunity to be a father. This, of course, dependent upon his graduating in May. He's graduating in five months.

Five months?! Can that sort of deep, meaningful thing occur in five short months? After watching twelve years of marriage swirl down the shitter, I am truly clueless to how these these things work. Do I need someone in my life? No. Does he? No. Do we talk every few days just because? Yes. Do we enjoy each other's presence? Yes. Do we have similar goals, and views, objectives and enjoyments? Yes, and yes. Do we have a mutual admiration and respect for the other, and what each has accomplished? Yup. But five months?!?

Maybe I'm looking too far down the road again (I do that). I feel blessed to even have met him, and I truly do appreciate that he spends the small amount of free time he has with me. Vice versa. After we parted ways this afternoon, back to our drawing boards and domestic duties, though, I think for the first time I got an inkling as to how it feels to have the 'one that got away'. Usually its the other person thinking that about me. It sort of sucks, and I haven't really had a chance yet.

Today's conundrum

2008-07-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the daughter's sixth birthday. She is getting some Daddy time in for the weekend, and they have all the goodies set up to have her a little shindig. Which I think is awesome; last year I had a fifth birthday party for her on my weekend, so it only seems fair they get a turn to shower her with girly finery and enjoyment.

They want me to stop by, too. I have an ongoing difference of opinion with the ex; I can talk to him just great. In fact, we are actually pretty good friends now. His girlfriend is not someone I want to know. I don't hate her (because hate is a bad thing, boys and girls, and I don't let myself buy into all that negativity.), but I have no desire to like her, either. She's good to my kids and she makes their father happy, and I'm grateful for those two and so when I am in her presence, I am respectful. Which I still maintain is more than was ever shown me on the few occasions I tried to befriend her while I was still married.

We are uncomfortable around each other, too. Five minutes and a quick "hi, how are you?' is about all we can handle before the tension takes over. I still look at her as a home wrecking whorebag; she looks at me now as a threat (Ironic, isn't it?) because ex and I do get along so well, and she remembers what happened when she got along so well with him. Her daughters call the ex daddy, and that irks me. So, while I am 'over' what went down, that does not mean I have forgotten it. Spending too much time in her presence is bad for my blood pressure, bad for my self-esteem, and is as dangerous as bungee jumping with a dry rotted cord. Something will break, and I always get blamed for the fallout.

Yet, I want to be there for my daughter. She desperately wants me to 'like' the girlfriend. I guess that would make it easier for her to like her, and I have told her I want her to like the girlfriend, if she is kind to her and helps take care of her. I want to see the smiles of a happy child, a genuinely happy smile and not the ones my kids wear sometimes because they feel they have to for my sake. I think my kids enjoy their time at their dad's so much because there is a more 'normal' family type setting there....dad figure, female figure, other kids. Its what they have known since birth. My house, is still foreign to them. They are happy with me, as well, but they feel that something is missing. I want her to see the situation with me, their dad, the girlfriend as stress free and supportive as possible.

I have two hours to decide if I'm going to stop by or not. I could use the gas money excuse (God knows I don't have any and I'm on empty), but it would be an excuse. The real reason for not going would be because I don't want to stomach watching the new happy family carry on while I feel like a fifth wheel again. I should get used to it, I suppose; the old fellow is pretty sure he actually wants to marry this one.

Remember 'Meet the parents'?

2008-07-17T01:59:00.000-07:00

Today is 'Meet the Kids'. To be more specific, its 'hey, incredibly great guy I'm seeing, meet my children!' day.

There is a myth that any savvy single guy worth his salt will steer clear of us Solitary Parents (because I despise what the term 'single mom' has come to represent); this myth stems from the belief that all a woman blessed with children wants is someone to be stand in Dad--free babysitting, a breadwinner, yadda yadda. In the dating realm, I am completely selfish. I'm out for my own needs of companionship and a life of my own initially. Upon meeting a potential suitor, the last thing on my mind is how well the kids are going to fit into the equation. It changes as things progress (or do not). After a while, it becomes apparent which fellows are going to make the cut to get to meet mine; those who express no desire in ever laying eyes on my wee ones typically become 'oat sowing' flings; the ones who ask about them and extend invitations for them to join us (should no babysitter be available) get to stick around awhile longer.

I've known Mr. Incredible for over a month now. I've spent some time with him, getting to know the kind of person he is, his character, things like that. We met at work and had a lot of common ground right off the bat; he knew within five minutes of meeting me that I had children and was divorced. He extended the invitation for a 4th of july BBQ to my kids, saying I was welcome to bring them with me if they hadn't gone to their Dad's for the weekend yet. I didn't, but I genuinely appreciated the fact that he would rather have three little rugrats running underfoot to still have the chance to see me than not see me at all.

I guess a good thing is he grew up with four younger siblings. And an older one, so maybe small children don't frighten him as bad as most. He is responsible and mature, so he understands responsibility and what that entails (thanks, Army, for instilling that!) He's an engineering student, so problem solving is one of his strengths. He hasn't dated much since moving to Big Rapids because I am apparently the only female in town who doesn't bore him to tears within five minutes. Mom used to tell me looks wouldn't get me anywhere, have a brain to compensate for my lack of the former, and one of these days I will thank her for that.

At any rate, I invited him to join me and the kids on a jaunt to Lake Michigan; he accepted within about two nanoseconds. I figure that is a good way to keep the kids occupied, let them interact, and stay cool in this typical July heatwave of ours. (Oh, and I get to see him without a shirt on. Everybody wins!) I'm rooting for a great day for all, but if at the end of it something makes him say 'nice knowing you, but those kids are way more than I want to deal with', I'll chalk it up to his loss and carry on.

Men come and go, but my kids aren't going anywhere. Love em or leave em, that is the motto in my dating realm.

I don't need a man....

2008-07-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

but when I do, it really comes in handy to have a guy be a best friend. Well, part of the best friend unit. He is married to the other half of the best friend unit, and betwixt the two of them, they have gotten me through the past year and a half relatively on top of things.

I've known the male half of this unit since I was 17 and he was 15. I was a teacher's aide in a class he was taking; later, he became a very good friend to my brother. Long time ago, he and the ex-hubby worked together and became best friends. Now, he is the big brother I never had, although he is younger.

He and the Mrs. accepted the offer to raise my children, should the ex and I perish in some sort of freak accident (or, should we kill each other. Which I know isn't a laughing matter, but seriously...I had twelve years to off the dude, I don't think I'd go to the trouble now. He gives me money now, and my momma didn't raise a fool!) He and the Mrs. are a never ending source of encouragement, reality, and many times, tell me the truth I don't want to hear, but must. I wouldn't have filed for divorce if Heather (the Mrs.) hadn't asked me why I thought I didn't deserve any better than what I'd been getting. That was an eye opening conversation for sure, and I know it wasn't easy for her to say that to me.

So, for what did I need the Mr. portion of the unit tonight? Ach, to change a tire for me. That is one thing I have yet to master, and must; the changing of the oil and tires. But, he doesn't mind. He's a lot like me, he lives to help people. And I make him coffee, so its good for everyone involved.

WWE, Here comes me!

2008-07-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

I have been in training to join the pro wrestling circuit. So far, I can put a human being that weighs 2/3 of my own weight into a headlock, pin his arm behind his back, and avert an attempt to toss me across the room (that one is tricky, for if I do not see it coming I go a-flying). For tonight's practice, I took him into the drugstore and did not haul his eighty pound ass into a cart; I was promptly rewarded (punished?) with the 'running bull' move, followed by the 'flop like a dead fish' maneuver. Needless to say, a two minute trip to pick up more reading glasses turned into a half an hour's worth of drag, haul, and silently plead with the Gods to make Jamie cooperate for five minutes, before I started screaming at the people gaping at us.

The older Jamie gets, the more weight he gains. Which means the stronger he gets. And since I have plateaued in terms of weight gain (I'm healthy! yay), I fear before his thirteenth birthday he will outweigh, out height, and out stamina me. Of course, these tests of wills could be completely avoided if I would just give him what he wants, every time, the second he wants it. Alas, I am determined to raise him as I raise the other two, for I am nothing if not fair.

This is merely venting. I do not have it bad, and I know this. Things could be much, much worse, and I am eternally grateful for how smart and loving and funny and capable he is. I just fear that a day will come when I can't hold my own against him.

I really should take up ballroom dancing.....

2008-07-08T21:12:00.000-07:00

I have a knack for repetition. No matter the song, I can sway along to the tempo, moving in predictable steps, twirling with a partner until the song breaks and we part ways. I do this all with no thought; Fred Astaire himself could be channeling himself into me for all I know.

It is a dance I have been doing my entire life, with various partners. Meet boy. Like boy. Make boy crazy. From there, we move from the calm and ethereal waltz to a more spazzoid dance form....paranoia sets in. The low self esteem takes over, and I become THAT girl. The one that starts to question every move, every word, until I become that which I detest....drama. The drama dance is best done solo, I've discovered. It is very hard for boys to do, I suppose.

My current partner and I are swaying quite nicely. He calls when he says he will; he is an endless supply of fascinating factoids, and proof that not all men are just looking for a mom to take over where the birth one left off. I honestly don't know his opinion of my physical presence, but I do know that he appreciates my mind, and my attitude, and my company. Should be smooth sailing, but yet, I hear the tempo of the drums picking up--maybe I'll just teach this one, rather than punching his dance card and sending him on his way.