LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

I have always had a sort of irrational relationship with my mother. From an early age, I remember thinking she didn't like me much. She never did outwardly do anything to contradict this hypothesis of mine; instead, the way she went about treating my siblings reinforced this in my head.

I have spent most of the last decade or so, I believe, in a sort of denial. Since becoming a mother myself, I gained a new perspective on how a mother treats her child(ren). Looking back, I can see how difficult it was for her, with three on her own, and I understand now that she was simply unable to give me the attention and affection I wanted from her. I think it was during that time I learned to shut off the desire for closeness, true closeness and absolute understanding of the love of another.

Someone who observed us together recently described the relationship I have with my mother as that of 'mild acquaintances', who like each other fine but not enough to work diligently enough to build a closeness. I think that is a pretty accurate description. I have learned enough in the past that I am not going to be a priority in my mother's life; my children, yes, and through them me, but by myself, not so much. She doesn't understand the choices I make or from where the beliefs I hold come. I don't understand how she can hold on to such negativity, or hostility.

Over time, I have developed a thick skin when it comes to her. The comments about my heavier weight fall on deaf ears most of the time. The comments about 'trying hard, but not succeeding' at marriage don't bother me much anymore. I've learned to tune out the snide remarks about how I'll 'never find work as a web designer' and wasted money on going to school for it.

These days, her major and new gripe about me is the fact that I am dating again. I was telling her this afternoon about a dinner I had with Mr. Incredible yesterday, how nice it is to spend time with an actual grown up, yadda yadda. Her response was 'he can't be that great if he's going to get himself messed up with a woman with three kids. Can't he do better?' My mom (even when she was younger) viewed being single and having children as an impairment of the social realm, and figures anyone stupid enough to settle for it must have some sort of problem to prevent them from finding a 'better' person. The sad thing is, I didn't even bat an eye; I'm used to it.

The one time in my life where I felt completely at ease with myself, and like an adult all of the time, was when I lived four hours away from my parents, away from the constant criticisms and snide comments and just general attitude that I will, eventually, fuck up everything I attempt. I am beginning to think if I am ever going to make anything of myself, it is going to be far away, where her and my father's negativity isn't going to smother me anymore.

I love my mother; I just don't know how to show her that. I know she loves me; she just doesn't know how to show me that. I have been trying my entire life to do something to prove my worth as a human to her, and if she hasn't seen it in 31.5 years, it is highly unlikely she ever will. Which is unfortunate; I'd hoped after this past year she'd finally be proud of me.