LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

I am a firm subscriber to the theory of karma. It is one of those philosophies that I believe smudges the lines between the spiritual and the logical. You get what you give; do unto others and all that jazz. Some think its as full of shit as a donkey pasture; others, like myself, keep that in mind when we get up each day to remind us to be good to one another.

It takes longer to get the good back than it does to get the bad back. But, I wait patiently, knowing that someday all of my good deeds, attitude, and just plain goodness will indeed be rewarded. I thought it would be equally sweet when those who, shall we say, wronged me got theirs.

Well, its coming around, and I am taking little to no satisfaction in it. Frankly, its starting to give me a headache.

It seems life with the girlfriend is not all the ex thought it would be. She's helpless. She can't do anything unless he is right there beside her, cheering her on or holding her hand. She doesn't see the point in striving to better themselves, for its much easier to stay perpetually unemployed and qualify for the piddly little handouts that are offered (and I don't mean just until they are on their feet....she thinks its a lifestyle, which frees up time for video game playing and sleeping late). Her family is as whacked out as his, and she caters to hers much the same way he always catered to his. They've been together over a year now....and are no better off and aren't much more secure than they were a year ago.

I talked to him last night, and he said he misses me. I said I miss you, too (because I only talk to him once or twice per month now that they aren't living in town). He says no, I miss being with you. He thinks about me all the time. He can't get my voice out of his head, or forget how it felt to be beside me. I said its too bad you couldn't have realized all of this before you left to live with her. He knows that was the point of no return.

This isn't the first time we've had this conversation. It usually occurs when I start seeing someone new; I think he fears that someone will eventually make me happier than I ever was with him. It was different, though.

And, believe it or not, I feel a little sorry for the girlfriend. I know how she feels. I know she's probably getting that 'someone else is on my mind' vibe from him. She follows him around if I'm there (for the five minutes it takes to drop the kids off). She says she doesn't trust me. I know I don't need to feel empathy for her; she's the reason I understand how she feels. I think the ex is caught up in a vicious cycle of have someone/get bored/pine for someone else/cross the line/leave, rinse repeat just to keep things interesting. I've suggested a very good therapist to him on several occasions, but he's yet to do anything about it. He hates it when I'm right, and when it comes to him I usually am.

I got off the phone last night, questioning myself for a minute. Did I do the right thing, divorcing him? He's asked me no fewer than four times now if he left her could he come back? I say no; he'd just be running from one thing to another, and he needs time to sort out what he wants in life and take care of himself for awhile. So he stays, because he doesn't know how to be alone. I've told him the first three days are the worst; after that, its pretty pleasant.

I laid on my bed, remembering how much I despised myself when we were together. We bring out the worst in each other. When we are together, he becomes excessively dominating. I become excessively placating, because I have always had it in my head that when people are angry with me, they cease loving me. Totally irrational, for sure, but I've yet to be able to erase that belief from my psyche. We start resenting each other because we aren't happy with how we are each acting, and invariably push each other away. I did that roller coaster for almost twelve years, and I really don't want to get on it again.

So, karma. I try to be his friend when I can. I hope that one day he understands I am not just playing a game with him, that for once putting myself first is coming before him and his uber fragile ego. I really hope he understands that relationships are supposed to be more than matters of convenience, and you can't just tell people what they want to hear if it isn't sincere. My parents (particularly my mother) don't understand why it is important for me to get along with him or treat him as I would any other human walking the planet; they don't believe in karma.