LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

There is a common misconception that people who are capable of exhibiting strength of character means they are strong. Don't get me wrong; women are strong. Always have been, always will be. Raising eight kids during a depression? That takes strength. Watching the father of your children board a plan to go get shot at and keeping a stiff upper lip? Strong times five. Facing down a pit of rabid vipers and defending your plan to give universal health care? Strong to the 15th power. You get it...women and their strength have been the foundations of our societies since time began. Without their strength, we'd still be living in caves and using our appendices.

Physical strength is easy to ascertain; if one can lift, push, pull, or otherwise move a heavy object, it is said that he or she is 'strong'. By pounds, or kilos, or whatever sort of weight system is in place, we put a value on physical strength.

What about emotional strength? How is that measured? By dealing with crisis after crisis, by not giving up and hiding in the corner? By being able to function alone, in this mad world of ours, without a partner? Perhaps it is one of those gray areas in life, where it depends on the judge and his or her own ideas on the matter.

I grew up thinking I had a strong mother. Strong in the sense that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, could stop the woman. If something had to be done, it got done. If something needed to be moved, she moved it. If someone needed to be tossed aside for dragging her down, out they went. Completely independent, in terms of financially, emotionally, socially. Just her and three kids, constantly plowing through life. I have yet to this day see my mother cry. EVER.

I understand now that it was not necessarily a matter of inner strength; there was no one else. There can be no slack when no one is there to pick it up for you. No time for crying when no one will be there to hand you a tissue. Fall on your ass, and you are stuck there, for no one will be there at the ready to pull you back up. I reached a point where, like my mom, life became a great big game of trust...you know, where one falls backward and the other stands behind to catch them? Well, fall once and you come to realize...it hurts when you hit the ground.

Are people who rely on others for comfort and emotional support weaker than my mother, or me? No. Are people who go through life with someone by their side doing that because they have to? Some, perhaps, but a goodly number of people are coupled because they want to be. They have no less fortitude of soul than the next person.

By my old way of thinking, I am indeed a strong person. In fact, I've been called the Ice Queen (because when it comes to love and matters of emotional intimacy, I give off a cold shoulder), told I hate men because I give off a 'don't mess with me' vibe, and have literally injured myself because of my stubborn attitude toward admitting and seeking out help. That, I believe now, takes strength away from me. It is the strong who truly understand their limits, and will reach out to others when those limits are pushed. A strong person accepts herself, limitations and all, and opens herself up so that others can see the side that sometimes needs a hand to hold hers, or to squeeze a shoulder for encouragement. A strong person faces her fears, without abandon, rather than hiding behind the shell she shows the world.

I am weak in that I can not bring myself to drop this exterior of mine, out of fear. It has taken a lifetime for me to get to this point, where I can act completely nonchalant with someone, while wanting nothing more than to tell him I don't want him to exit my life. I can think of no scarier thought than giving someone the power to reject me. Line me up in front of a firing squad and I'll show them the birdies before they do their thing; just don't make me admit I need someone, heaven forbid.

I learned last week (on the wine laden impromptu camping trip) that Mr. Inc is indeed leaving Michigan most likely the minute he graduates. Therefore, he will not make any promises, or enter into any commitments that he can not be certain can be kept. The kicker....he thinks I'm 'a strong enough person to hear the truth'.

I'm sick of being strong.