LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

The step dad is fine and should be returning to work tomorrow. He got an up close and personal view of 'the best cardiac care unit in the midwest', and given a clean enough bill of health. I guess they are chalking it up to 'you're getting old so slow down'; I passed along the term tachycardia, and he'll be looking into it.

Mom made it fine, Jen was a bit more of a wreck than my mother, but it seems the adrenaline rush they were all feeling has subsided a bit.

My brother finally proposed to his girlfriend, which is awesome because I love her. I haven't heard any details (when, where, etc) but knowing those two, it will be a bit until they are 'in the right place'.

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I finished two jobs last week, and am still trying to find something in house and permanent rather than free lancing for good. I like free lancing, it is definitely convenient, but there isn't much in the way of predictability in it. I need that, I think.

It is getting sloppy here, with the snowing, melting, freezing, melting, and snowing again. I call this the fifth season of Michigan....mud. It wants to be spring out so bad; it is early for it, no question of that, but the critters, the people, even the sky itself seems to be ready for the long, cold, dark cover of winter to disappear so life can get back to the growing cycle once again.

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I've come to realize something about myself. I am one of those who does not handle relationships well when it gets past the 'starry eyed, shiny' phase. Most take this step from adoration into something of a deeper level as a good thing, but for me it tends to conjure up memories of the marriage. Oh, Nate is nothing like the ex...I spilled a glass of wine the other day, and not only was he not mad, he also helped me wipe it up, joking about my 'alcohol abuse'. The ex would have screamed for no less than four minutes, gotten mad when I got upset about that, then not spoken to me for two days.

But I expect it to start at any moment, and I don't know why. I expect to start hearing snide comments of condescension, being chastised for the thoughts and actions I take. I know he won't, it just isn't his nature, but I thought I was over the first part of my relationship life. In some ways I am, but I suppose the haunting will go on for awhile. It took 12 years to devolve to what it did, and it won't be erased over night (or over 2 years, I guess.)

Perhaps that is why I've been funkified for the last few days. It is going on two years since he went into remission, went back to work, and life stopped being what I knew. I wouldn't change a thing I've done, but that doesn't mean remembering what I felt is any less painful. I don't dwell on it, but sometimes the smallest thing will jog my memory.

Case in point...Nate and I were having Thai Friday, at a little place. Just the two of us in there, buffet-ing. I told him I was getting in touch with the jobs I'd done to get paid, and it felt funny charging hundreds of dollars for these sites (I haven't made any professionally yet.)

He says don't, it is time consuming, tedious work (particularly the formatting), and I'm actually cutting them a good deal with what I am charging. Basically, he's saying I'm good at what I do, and I'm worth the money, if not more. Good things.

I then recall my ex making the comment that just because I can make a website doesn't make me special. I had showed him one I'd been working on, years ago (this happened years ago, I mean), and that was what he'd said, before walking away. I'd see jobs looking for designers while we were together, and mention applying, and he'd say I didn't have enough experience, they wouldn't hire me, blah blah blah.

Those are the striking contrasts between Nate and the ex that stick out in my mind. I love him because he treats me very well, and appreciates how I treat him in return. Yet I fear he will become that other sort of man, the kind that fears success and ambition from others....I know he doesn't.

But I still expect it, and I don't know why.