LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

Well, its been a long week. Started last Sunday, with hearing the moving news. I accept it, half the time I really truly believe that at some point I will have the blessings of at least the court to relocate, or that my ex husband will let me have them so they see some of the world, have more chances than are available around here. I won't though, he is too selfish.

I don't feel abandoned, not really. He says he wants me to come, and I believe him. Its more like I've realized something, particularly this time around....I am not meant to find one person. I have yet to find anyone that can stick with me and not be miserable. The happy ones go their ways on good terms with me (which is fine, having bosem buds is great). The one that did stick around the longest was miserable the whole time, though.

I'm kind of numb though, particularly when a week before he decided to move I told him he didn't have to go solo anymore. I wanted him to know that I am here to help, work toward the same goals and whatnot. Instead, he's heading out on his own.

I am so tired of this part. The watching the door shut, seeing the backside of people. How can people care so deeply for one another, let people in over and over again and just have it be a complete waste of energy?

If the long distance thing ends up not working out, I think I am done. For good. It is my role in life to make others feel loved, show them what I am as a person, for them to take with them as they continue. I am happy single, I do not need a relationship to define me; but I am social, I am a nurturer, and I am out of sorts in a way if there is no one for whom I can care.

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I heard from another company with whom I'd interviewed that I don't quite have what they need. Thanks, but no dice. After driving one hour to talk, then spending two hours talking and touring, and another hour home. I still haven't heard from the Kalamazoo guy, but like they say, why do on Friday what you can put off until Monday?

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I'm kind of in a mood towards the ex today, too. Seems that someone from PR passed away today. I heard a few years ago he'd had a brain tumor and got through that; it came back, and after putting up a fight, he succumbed earlier today. He leaves a wife and two little girls. I was not friends with him, but in that small of an environment you knew everyone, just the same, and their families and their in law families, etc. So I feel for everyone 'back home' who is seeing this first hand.

My ex husband has been in remission for two years. As soon as he was 'better', we split. This is the time of year the shit hit the fan, two years ago, and it seems to be a hard time of year for me since then. I suppose that is selfish of me, I wasn't the sick one and I wasn't the one who thought I might die, I didn't lose body parts. And yet, hearing that this other young man (30) lost his battle, and won't have the chance to watch his children grow, or spend the life he thought he would have with his wife, I guess I feel like the old boy just sort of squandered an opportunity.

I hate moods like this, because I know he could never be what I needed, nor I to him, but every now and then I feel very.....cross....with him.
And this is one of those days.

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Good news....end on a happy note, that is my motto. Lets see....I got nothing. Check back tomorrow.