LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

Tomorrow is the daughter's sixth birthday. She is getting some Daddy time in for the weekend, and they have all the goodies set up to have her a little shindig. Which I think is awesome; last year I had a fifth birthday party for her on my weekend, so it only seems fair they get a turn to shower her with girly finery and enjoyment.

They want me to stop by, too. I have an ongoing difference of opinion with the ex; I can talk to him just great. In fact, we are actually pretty good friends now. His girlfriend is not someone I want to know. I don't hate her (because hate is a bad thing, boys and girls, and I don't let myself buy into all that negativity.), but I have no desire to like her, either. She's good to my kids and she makes their father happy, and I'm grateful for those two and so when I am in her presence, I am respectful. Which I still maintain is more than was ever shown me on the few occasions I tried to befriend her while I was still married.

We are uncomfortable around each other, too. Five minutes and a quick "hi, how are you?' is about all we can handle before the tension takes over. I still look at her as a home wrecking whorebag; she looks at me now as a threat (Ironic, isn't it?) because ex and I do get along so well, and she remembers what happened when she got along so well with him. Her daughters call the ex daddy, and that irks me. So, while I am 'over' what went down, that does not mean I have forgotten it. Spending too much time in her presence is bad for my blood pressure, bad for my self-esteem, and is as dangerous as bungee jumping with a dry rotted cord. Something will break, and I always get blamed for the fallout.

Yet, I want to be there for my daughter. She desperately wants me to 'like' the girlfriend. I guess that would make it easier for her to like her, and I have told her I want her to like the girlfriend, if she is kind to her and helps take care of her. I want to see the smiles of a happy child, a genuinely happy smile and not the ones my kids wear sometimes because they feel they have to for my sake. I think my kids enjoy their time at their dad's so much because there is a more 'normal' family type setting there....dad figure, female figure, other kids. Its what they have known since birth. My house, is still foreign to them. They are happy with me, as well, but they feel that something is missing. I want her to see the situation with me, their dad, the girlfriend as stress free and supportive as possible.

I have two hours to decide if I'm going to stop by or not. I could use the gas money excuse (God knows I don't have any and I'm on empty), but it would be an excuse. The real reason for not going would be because I don't want to stomach watching the new happy family carry on while I feel like a fifth wheel again. I should get used to it, I suppose; the old fellow is pretty sure he actually wants to marry this one.