LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

then I fear my brain is irrevocably haunted. As soon as I believe I am ready to turn a corner and spit in the face of past demons, they show again, and I cower in the corner as I did before. I don't want to do this. I thought I was past all of that, had the little bastards bound and gagged and locked away, never to be seen by my psyche again.

Perhaps I was just in denial? I don't know. The guy I am seeing is incredible. Hence the moniker. Seriously. He's mature. He holds at least two jobs at a time. He doesn't party until the work is done, including the school work. He pays. All the time. He actually asks me in depth questions because he just really, really wants to know my answer. And despite the fact that he could pull off the string of horny college girls by picking them up at bars, that sort of thing completely disgusts him, which is why he's been single for the entire duration of his stay in Big Rapids.

If body language is to be believed, this guy holds me in a high esteem; somewhere below his mother and slightly above Mother Theresa. He uses 'we' alot. He named his dog after me (Jessi) so she would 'grow up to be something, and beautiful'. He spends as much free time as he has (which is next to nothing, with the working and school and finishing up his projects for graduating and doing the Army stuff and maintaining positive friendships). He plays with my hair more than he tries to get down my shirt, and he kisses me goodbye on the forehead. So why aren't we 'together'?

Because I would rather walk across broken glass than start that conversation. He is, I believe, waiting for me to initiate it. One of the things I realized after I'd been on my own for a bit was how I am incapable of initiating intimacy, whether physical or emotional. I can flirt like crazy, with minimal self-consciousness these days; but actually put myself in a place where I could get rebuked? No way, Jose. I had enough of that while I was married.

The ex's family has a propensity for emotional blackmail. They don't think that is what it is; Its just 'how they are'. Oh, and they are control freaks, so if something isn't their idea than it is wrong. Or not something they want, so it doesn't get done. It was like that with the ex. I'd go to hug him and he'd turn on a dime and walk the other direction. I would attempt to cuddle and get a plethora of excuses why that wasn't going to happen. For about eight or nine years of my marriage, we had sex only when it was started by him. I quit trying, realizing it wasn't going to do me any good and I was tired of being shot down and having to internalize the fallout.

Its easy to say 'I won't be this way anymore', but in practice the same anxieties come up. He mentioned that he tends to build relationships slowly; in actuality, he's opened up quite a bit to me and let me in on more than I believe he realizes. I would bring up my own demons, but I really don't want Mr. Inc to think I am some big jumble of mental fucked upness that I expect him to fix; I'm already coming into this with three mini-me's, and he thinks they are great kids and is somewhat intrigued by all of them. I think there are more reasons for him to walk away before its too late, and I don't want to add to that burden.

I'm not looking for an easy answer, I've just been pondering the last few days over which course of action (or inaction) to take....enjoy this slow, getting to know each other better pace and see what transpires, or pull a Shakespere and pronounce my desire to slap a ball and chain on his ass because he's the first adult man I've really known who not only works, but can also clean up after himself AND makes me salads for breakfast. With croûtons. Oh, did I mention he actually brings me coffee?
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Today, Jamie ate the foam covers off my ear buds again (this was a $10 pair), removed the screen from my second story window and tossed it to the ground, slapped my DVD player because it wasn't loading fast enough, and deleted an entire folder of stuff I was doing. 28 more days until he can go back to school. I hope he makes it.