LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

Since I put my foot down and ceased being a doormat for the hairier gender, I have been very adamant about protecting my 'space'. Space, of course, being not only the six to twelve inch 'intimate' area in terms of communicating, but also anything and everything that is important to me....my kids, my work, my friends, my family, my classes. If I started to feel that someone wanted more time than I had to give, they were gone. If someone complained that one of those areas was hampering our blooming relationship, it immediately withered and died. One met my family, one visited my house. One spent some time with the kids, and immediately afterward went 'whoa, now that is something that would wear me out on a daily basis! Lets set up more Dad time for them, eh?' We broke up a week later.

One spent time with my kids and thoroughly enjoyed it, but we were both so fond of our spaces that I think we built our own buffer zones to keep each other out. And that is fine. What works will, and what won't, wasn't supposed to be. This is, of course, my newer, shinier, much more user friendly relationship module....I call it Love V.II.

So, is it worth noting that I am not only letting someone into my space, but also find myself pondering the possibility of co-existing under the same roof? No one, and I repeat no one, since I began living on my own has been privy to that frame of mind. Why? Because the thought of being around anyone for longer than a few hours every once in awhile frankly made me a little queasy.

This one is different...he's a dad. He folds his own laundry and writes his own grocery list. He and I share practically the same philosophy on child rearing, as well as personal interests. We have senses of humor that match each others, and the same way of turning nearly anything into an innuendo. The only difference I can see is that he has an X chromosome and I have a Y.

Perhaps the nicest thing about our quite flourishing relationship is the way that I do not feel a bit uptight or anxious around him. I don't find myself wondering what he thinks of me, or how he will react if I say this or that. I can be as nerdy as I want, because he is just as nerdy, and I can be as perverse as I want, because he'll understand it and have something with which he can respond. I can say 'later, somebody puked' and I know he'll say 'hope they feel better', not 'ugh, not again!' and vice versa.

Is this what existential understanding between two people is? Rather than a 'well, I'll pretend to not see this because of that', or to blindly hope something that doesn't mesh works itself out on its own (which it doesn't.)? For a long time i confused lust with love, and I think for the first time both are actually present at the same time.

I see in him a friend, partner, fellow parent, and one who built himself back up after a crushing collapse of his previous life. His daughter already feels like one of my kids, and mine are so fond of him and his daughter. Not trying to rush things along, but as each day passes he becomes a more important part of my life and without trying, we are working each other into our own separate ones. And I'm not afraid.

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On the kidlet issue to which I referred last week, I had a talk with the baby daddy. He wants them to live with him. At least until school lets out, and we can reevaluate from there. He wants to be more in the kids' memories than the 'weekend dad'; he wants them to remember him getting them ready for school and baking cookies and such. I understand that. But knowing him as well as I still do, I knew there was more (because he will not act on something unless there is something in it for him or something he wants. Its just how he is.) , so I poured lots of coffee, prodded, and listened a lot.

He also wants them to live with him, because he knows if they aren't with me most of the time, I will leave this area. I don't like it here, I like the more urban areas and what they offer. And he wants me to leave, because as long as we see each other on an almost daily basis, even in the context of friends, he thinks neither of us will actually be able to get on with our lives, truly. Sure, he's had a girlfriend for almost two years, but he's also kept entertaining the notion that one day he can come back. He wants to come back when he is around me, and it is keeping him from actually wanting to move forward in terms of his own relationship. He knows I would be happy with a change of scenery, some time to actually put some effort into my future, and that he will not be coming back to be with me. I have to agree with him, on pretty much all fronts. I guess he does know me as well as I know him, after all.

So, after the holidays, the kids will most likely be moving in with their dad. I plan on keeping this apartment until March-ish, finding a job in GR, and staying with friends and the boyfriend until further notice. On my weekends, i think I could bring the kids to my moms so they see her as well, and crash here at the Big Rapids apartment. In March, Nate's lease is up, and I want to bring up possibly finding a place together and vacating this place all together. Together, we could afford a place big enough where my kids could visit on my weekends (3 or 4 bedrooms).

Nate knows about the kid thing, and is being very understanding of how conflicted I am (am I a bad mother for giving them the time they need with their father?), and very supportive of my desire to find a job in GR and relocate. Perhaps it is partially to be in closer proximity to him, but I had been thinking about looking that way for some sustainable work anyhow. Meeting him was just gravy, and he gave me the opening I needed to get the job I have.

So, lots going on in the mental arena, but nothing will happen in the physical world for a bit. Which is fine; I'm trying a new approach to life these days....dive right into the planning, and pace myself with the activity.

So my kids would rather live with their Dad, and visit me every other weekend for a few days. I know, its pretty much what he's been doing and getting for the last year and a half, but know what? That was his choice.

They love me, most assuredly they do, but they are happier staying at his house. It isn't the playstation. It isn't the Charter on Demand, or the fact that they get to eat sugar on their cereal or drink Kool aid. It isn't because they have a better playground at that complex (which they never play on, because their Dad doesn't venture outside much), or because they know more kids over there than here. NOpe, none of that is why.

They don't know why, they just do. They are happier there, and they don't miss me as much as they miss him when they are with him instead of me (does that make ANY sense?)

I think its because the nuclear family unit is represented, if not actually intact yet (oh, not to worry, she's got their wedding plans all lined up), where here, its a mom without a dad, and every other mom or grandma they know has a dad or grandpa hanging around, too. I'm the outsider to them, in their little world with their black and white borders, because children don't yet understand gray areas.

And the stand-in mom at Dad's house? She plays video games instead of vacuuming. She watches cartoons instead of cleaning the bathroom for the fourth time. She makes pizza rolls for dinner, to eat in front of the never turned off tv, instead of shutting it down to have some conversation time over a healthier (sometimes only slightly) dinner. She encourages my daughter to play with barbies and dream of being a princess like the disney ones, rescued just when they need it (sigh, eyelash flutter); she tells Connor he's just like his Daddy, handsome and goofy.

When they are here, I have to keep the place spic and span in case a CPS worker decides to make an unexpected pit stop. I have to scrub crayon and marker off the walls so when I move out I don't get charged up the wazoo for it. I have to put them to bed by 8 pm so I have time to do stuff for work, or work on my homework, which I'm doing so I can take better care of them. Which I wouldn't need to do at all, if I would follow the advice of my 9 year old son, and 'just get another husband so you wouldn't have to do that'.

Why am I bothering? They want his life not mine. They want what he has to offer, not me. They want junk food and 24/7 on demand electronic entertainment, not quiet time and classical music and nature hikes.

I won't force anyone to live with me if they don't want to. I did that for too long once. I just don't understand how letting them be where they want to be is not the same as giving them away, because even the thought of it seems like so much.

So I caught my first round of the school germs. Ugh. 10 hours of straight vomiting and other not nice things pretty much took me out for a good portion of yesterday (now that its after midnight). All I did yesterday was sleep. I got another 3 in tonight, before I woke up. I hurt, my back is sore, my throat is still raw as bloody hell, but at least the toast and water and coffee aren't upsetting anything. Ugh.

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Work goes. I still like the guys, who are still fretting that their business that introduced a product three weeks ago will crash and burn shortly are getting a bit annoying. I can't blame them, really; it started in a basement and now its big enough they have an office and a list for whom newsletters are written, but sheesh...three weeks? Give it a chance, yo.

I did have my first 'uh, i said that' moment. I was talking to one of the owners about the website (www.clickrescue.com) The 'home' or landing page is merely a play button for a demo. There are links to other pages, but the main content is our logo and a play button. He asked me what I would do if I were looking for that sort of service (remote troubleshooting or helpdesk) and I said 'honestly, I would leave. I don't have time to watch a demo that may or may not tell me what I need to know'. The company that made the site is all about flash. The don't make non flash sites. Personally, I'm wondering what their ideals or design goals are, since the basic rule is 'if they don't see what they want or can learn who you are in three seconds, they are gone'.

So, after watching the demo (which is good, it explains the product and has a lot more links and descriptions) I say 'make that the landing page, just be sure to add a pause feature'. He calls in another employee to get his opinion, and its pretty much what I just said verbatim. Then, Mr. part owner says 'maybe we should make this demo page the landing page?' and other co-worker says that would work. I go 'deja vu?'

It kind of cracked me up, really. Shows how far I've come. Last year, I probably would have flown into a tirade about not being listened to, or gone 'but I said that!!' or something. He probably didn't hear me; these are the most introspective people, and i talk really quiet sometimes. My devious plan now is to get them to axe the flash designers and let me just be their inhouse design person. For $8 an hour. I'll let them think its their idea ;0)
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Speaking of similar minded co-workers, he and I are going along great. We took our kids trick or treating together. His daughter is six. He thinks son the elder's tendency for dictatorial speaking is cute; he thinks my daughter is so much like his its scary. He makes sure whatever we're doing or he brings is something son the middle will enjoy too, and he finds him to be one of the sweetest kids he's ever seen. He's been the sole parent to his daughter, really, for almost three years. He doesn't say 'I miss you', he says 'I miss you guys'. Its great being with somebody who doesn't look at having the kids around as a downer or distraction to me.
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So glad the election is over. The only thing I heard about it today was my daughter telling me she was glad Obama won, because 'he was nicer'. I steered clear of news sites and discussion boards because I just didn't want to hear about it anymore. It takes me back to the days of Clinton and his dem controlled house and senate for his first term...and how the economy took off after that. Yes, the revolution of the Arpanet into the Internet helped, but there are so many things that could be revolutionized right now to get the same results....greener fuels, mass transit that relies less on gas or diesal, the possibilities are endless.