LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

So my kids would rather live with their Dad, and visit me every other weekend for a few days. I know, its pretty much what he's been doing and getting for the last year and a half, but know what? That was his choice.

They love me, most assuredly they do, but they are happier staying at his house. It isn't the playstation. It isn't the Charter on Demand, or the fact that they get to eat sugar on their cereal or drink Kool aid. It isn't because they have a better playground at that complex (which they never play on, because their Dad doesn't venture outside much), or because they know more kids over there than here. NOpe, none of that is why.

They don't know why, they just do. They are happier there, and they don't miss me as much as they miss him when they are with him instead of me (does that make ANY sense?)

I think its because the nuclear family unit is represented, if not actually intact yet (oh, not to worry, she's got their wedding plans all lined up), where here, its a mom without a dad, and every other mom or grandma they know has a dad or grandpa hanging around, too. I'm the outsider to them, in their little world with their black and white borders, because children don't yet understand gray areas.

And the stand-in mom at Dad's house? She plays video games instead of vacuuming. She watches cartoons instead of cleaning the bathroom for the fourth time. She makes pizza rolls for dinner, to eat in front of the never turned off tv, instead of shutting it down to have some conversation time over a healthier (sometimes only slightly) dinner. She encourages my daughter to play with barbies and dream of being a princess like the disney ones, rescued just when they need it (sigh, eyelash flutter); she tells Connor he's just like his Daddy, handsome and goofy.

When they are here, I have to keep the place spic and span in case a CPS worker decides to make an unexpected pit stop. I have to scrub crayon and marker off the walls so when I move out I don't get charged up the wazoo for it. I have to put them to bed by 8 pm so I have time to do stuff for work, or work on my homework, which I'm doing so I can take better care of them. Which I wouldn't need to do at all, if I would follow the advice of my 9 year old son, and 'just get another husband so you wouldn't have to do that'.

Why am I bothering? They want his life not mine. They want what he has to offer, not me. They want junk food and 24/7 on demand electronic entertainment, not quiet time and classical music and nature hikes.

I won't force anyone to live with me if they don't want to. I did that for too long once. I just don't understand how letting them be where they want to be is not the same as giving them away, because even the thought of it seems like so much.