LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

Since I put my foot down and ceased being a doormat for the hairier gender, I have been very adamant about protecting my 'space'. Space, of course, being not only the six to twelve inch 'intimate' area in terms of communicating, but also anything and everything that is important to me....my kids, my work, my friends, my family, my classes. If I started to feel that someone wanted more time than I had to give, they were gone. If someone complained that one of those areas was hampering our blooming relationship, it immediately withered and died. One met my family, one visited my house. One spent some time with the kids, and immediately afterward went 'whoa, now that is something that would wear me out on a daily basis! Lets set up more Dad time for them, eh?' We broke up a week later.

One spent time with my kids and thoroughly enjoyed it, but we were both so fond of our spaces that I think we built our own buffer zones to keep each other out. And that is fine. What works will, and what won't, wasn't supposed to be. This is, of course, my newer, shinier, much more user friendly relationship module....I call it Love V.II.

So, is it worth noting that I am not only letting someone into my space, but also find myself pondering the possibility of co-existing under the same roof? No one, and I repeat no one, since I began living on my own has been privy to that frame of mind. Why? Because the thought of being around anyone for longer than a few hours every once in awhile frankly made me a little queasy.

This one is different...he's a dad. He folds his own laundry and writes his own grocery list. He and I share practically the same philosophy on child rearing, as well as personal interests. We have senses of humor that match each others, and the same way of turning nearly anything into an innuendo. The only difference I can see is that he has an X chromosome and I have a Y.

Perhaps the nicest thing about our quite flourishing relationship is the way that I do not feel a bit uptight or anxious around him. I don't find myself wondering what he thinks of me, or how he will react if I say this or that. I can be as nerdy as I want, because he is just as nerdy, and I can be as perverse as I want, because he'll understand it and have something with which he can respond. I can say 'later, somebody puked' and I know he'll say 'hope they feel better', not 'ugh, not again!' and vice versa.

Is this what existential understanding between two people is? Rather than a 'well, I'll pretend to not see this because of that', or to blindly hope something that doesn't mesh works itself out on its own (which it doesn't.)? For a long time i confused lust with love, and I think for the first time both are actually present at the same time.

I see in him a friend, partner, fellow parent, and one who built himself back up after a crushing collapse of his previous life. His daughter already feels like one of my kids, and mine are so fond of him and his daughter. Not trying to rush things along, but as each day passes he becomes a more important part of my life and without trying, we are working each other into our own separate ones. And I'm not afraid.

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On the kidlet issue to which I referred last week, I had a talk with the baby daddy. He wants them to live with him. At least until school lets out, and we can reevaluate from there. He wants to be more in the kids' memories than the 'weekend dad'; he wants them to remember him getting them ready for school and baking cookies and such. I understand that. But knowing him as well as I still do, I knew there was more (because he will not act on something unless there is something in it for him or something he wants. Its just how he is.) , so I poured lots of coffee, prodded, and listened a lot.

He also wants them to live with him, because he knows if they aren't with me most of the time, I will leave this area. I don't like it here, I like the more urban areas and what they offer. And he wants me to leave, because as long as we see each other on an almost daily basis, even in the context of friends, he thinks neither of us will actually be able to get on with our lives, truly. Sure, he's had a girlfriend for almost two years, but he's also kept entertaining the notion that one day he can come back. He wants to come back when he is around me, and it is keeping him from actually wanting to move forward in terms of his own relationship. He knows I would be happy with a change of scenery, some time to actually put some effort into my future, and that he will not be coming back to be with me. I have to agree with him, on pretty much all fronts. I guess he does know me as well as I know him, after all.

So, after the holidays, the kids will most likely be moving in with their dad. I plan on keeping this apartment until March-ish, finding a job in GR, and staying with friends and the boyfriend until further notice. On my weekends, i think I could bring the kids to my moms so they see her as well, and crash here at the Big Rapids apartment. In March, Nate's lease is up, and I want to bring up possibly finding a place together and vacating this place all together. Together, we could afford a place big enough where my kids could visit on my weekends (3 or 4 bedrooms).

Nate knows about the kid thing, and is being very understanding of how conflicted I am (am I a bad mother for giving them the time they need with their father?), and very supportive of my desire to find a job in GR and relocate. Perhaps it is partially to be in closer proximity to him, but I had been thinking about looking that way for some sustainable work anyhow. Meeting him was just gravy, and he gave me the opening I needed to get the job I have.

So, lots going on in the mental arena, but nothing will happen in the physical world for a bit. Which is fine; I'm trying a new approach to life these days....dive right into the planning, and pace myself with the activity.