LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

It has been a very long weekend/week. Where shall I start....

Friday night I went to see my dear. Its only an hour drive, goes by fast, and frankly, I love the drive now. Hopping around in traffic gives me a buzz of sorts, so it was fine. Saturday, I left with the intention of picking up my kids so they could go to his daughter's birthday party later that day; I didn't let the raging blizzard stop me from heading North.

After 45 minutes I'd traveled about 12 miles. So, I turned around and retreated. Not because I was scared, or because I had any mishaps. No, the car handled fine, other drivers were actually not going kamikazee. It occurred to me that by the time I got the kids and drove down, the party would be over and the snow would be deeper. So, logic prevailed and I had to break 4 hearts that day (my 3 and his 1.)

I was around the corner from arriving back into the haven that is Nate's, when I spun out. Badly. Scared the shite out of me darn near, and lucky for me there was no traffic in the three lanes I spun. Got back, parked, and vowed never again to leave the house until the snow had retreated for good.

Naturally, that did not happen.

I got through that, the party was fun, Sunday was fun, Monday was a chillax/put apps around town sort of day. I was working on resumes when my mother called me.

"Please come up here, nobody can come stay the night!"

"Mom, I'm not at home"

"As long as you're here by the time Bob gets up for work in the morning, thats good."

I got off the phone, shut my lap top, and curled up, with my head on Nate's lap. He asked if I was going to have to leave; I said yes, something to which I had to attend. I told him a bit of mom's history, and he rubbed my head while I spoke. An hour later, I was pulling away, trying to figure out what I would say when the time came to say it.

I got to her house about 9pm, as the snow was starting to fall again. I didn't think much of that, because I had more pressing matters on mind. She started describing the plans she'd made, that she could get so and so to come over when I had my kids, and when I didn't I could stay with her. I'd get this for payment, or that. I told her that the kids were going to live with their Dad after the holidays; she asked me why I would give my children away like that.

I told her they wanted to go. He wanted them there. That I had a choice, keep them unhappy and getting angrier by the day at me for withholding what they want, or deal with people thinking I was giving my kids away and letting them be happy. She asked where she'd gone wrong with me, and i said nowhere. All the years of watching her sacrifice weren't for nothing; I didn't want this, yet I knew it was what I had to do for them. She left it alone after that.

I told her I wouldn't move in with her. Or stay with her. I informed her that I want to relocate to Grand Rapids. She apologized for being such a burden (which I didn't think she was), for not being able to handle herself. I told her I would be there, a call away, if she needed to hear someone's voice. I would visit more often, make the effort. That Brian would work with her so she could see the kids as well, and that at least one day on my weekend visits we'd spend the day or night with her at her house. But I would not, could not, move in and simply let her continue to be afraid of living her life.

In high school, I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I see that I wasn't. I don't want to 'tough love' her. I told her I wanted to be somewhere where I had at least a chance of surviving on my own and not because of the system (which is going to be cut all to hell anyway, and without which I've been surviving anyway). That in five months I have had one call back, one interview, despite applying everywhere around here twice.

Part of it is motivated by Nate, I won't deny it, but only a small part. Even if he weren't in my life, I knew the time was coming to make a big change. I've felt it for a long time. There simply isn't anything here for me. There won't be anything for my kids. I had them all to myself while their Dad missed out making sure we had enough to get by; perhaps the tables need to be turned so we can better understand what the other side of the coin is like.

I was going to leave Tuesday morning, but awoke to find the driveway shut tight with snow and my car buried under a blankie of the crap. So I stayed Tuesday night as well, without a choice since nobody was plowing while the storm raged. She seemed a little more grounded, telling my sister that they would be fine, if they found themselves getting scared or sad to think of something good, find something else to do. My sister is as anxiety driven as my mother these days, and always has been a creature of habit.

I finally got home today around five pm, completely exhausted and drained. I love my family, most people don't see it, but I do. I would do anything for them, including deny them what they want because I know it is not what they need. My mother hugged me last night, put her arms around me and squeezed. I think I hugged her back; I was too surprised to be sure. She held me for a few minutes, before whispering 'thats about 30 years overdue, and I'm sorry'.

That is the second time I can remember my mom hugging me. Affection scares us, always has. I guess facing her fears is her new modus operandi.