LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

I am not a girly girl. Sure, I can polish up with the best of them, but in my day to day life, I just don't care. I didn't even break down and GET a purse until I had a child; after leaving the meager coin purse I carried all important info in on top of my car for the tenth time and losing it (and subsequently sifting through parking lot grime to retrieve it), I broke down and got one.

Today, I go for complete utilitarian function at as reasonable price as I can find. I got my current 'purse' from someone; it is a mini scale dickies messenger bag. Its black, has an adjustable strap, and a velcro closure. It zips shut, should I remember to do so, but it doesn't matter since the super duper velcro technology holds all in place anyway.

Inside, one finds my orange, red, and yellow striped checkbook cover (a $19.99 steal in pure leather, from some mail order check company) with license, soc card, biggby rewards card, refillable starbucks gift card, a card for a free pair of unmentionables from Victoria's Secret, debit card, and checks. Which I don't use because I'm all about earning rewards with the debit card.

To keep that boring stuff company, there is also nail glue (super glue), three ink pens, a really neat index card thing with a green foliage print cover, a date book/planner thing (I broke down and got one). Also, my mp3 charger, phone charger, a flash drive, .63 cents that I haven't put in the change stash, a lighter, nail file, and a polished stone heart that I have, but don't remember why?

A picture of my children, receipts, my spare car keys, a cinnamon disk in wrapper, a bobby pin, and finally....a folded up map and directions that I printed off Google.

That is a lot of crap to shove in a purse that is about 6 inches long, three inches wide, and four inches deep. But hey....it is utilitarian, and does the job.

The step dad is fine and should be returning to work tomorrow. He got an up close and personal view of 'the best cardiac care unit in the midwest', and given a clean enough bill of health. I guess they are chalking it up to 'you're getting old so slow down'; I passed along the term tachycardia, and he'll be looking into it.

Mom made it fine, Jen was a bit more of a wreck than my mother, but it seems the adrenaline rush they were all feeling has subsided a bit.

My brother finally proposed to his girlfriend, which is awesome because I love her. I haven't heard any details (when, where, etc) but knowing those two, it will be a bit until they are 'in the right place'.

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I finished two jobs last week, and am still trying to find something in house and permanent rather than free lancing for good. I like free lancing, it is definitely convenient, but there isn't much in the way of predictability in it. I need that, I think.

It is getting sloppy here, with the snowing, melting, freezing, melting, and snowing again. I call this the fifth season of Michigan....mud. It wants to be spring out so bad; it is early for it, no question of that, but the critters, the people, even the sky itself seems to be ready for the long, cold, dark cover of winter to disappear so life can get back to the growing cycle once again.

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I've come to realize something about myself. I am one of those who does not handle relationships well when it gets past the 'starry eyed, shiny' phase. Most take this step from adoration into something of a deeper level as a good thing, but for me it tends to conjure up memories of the marriage. Oh, Nate is nothing like the ex...I spilled a glass of wine the other day, and not only was he not mad, he also helped me wipe it up, joking about my 'alcohol abuse'. The ex would have screamed for no less than four minutes, gotten mad when I got upset about that, then not spoken to me for two days.

But I expect it to start at any moment, and I don't know why. I expect to start hearing snide comments of condescension, being chastised for the thoughts and actions I take. I know he won't, it just isn't his nature, but I thought I was over the first part of my relationship life. In some ways I am, but I suppose the haunting will go on for awhile. It took 12 years to devolve to what it did, and it won't be erased over night (or over 2 years, I guess.)

Perhaps that is why I've been funkified for the last few days. It is going on two years since he went into remission, went back to work, and life stopped being what I knew. I wouldn't change a thing I've done, but that doesn't mean remembering what I felt is any less painful. I don't dwell on it, but sometimes the smallest thing will jog my memory.

Case in point...Nate and I were having Thai Friday, at a little place. Just the two of us in there, buffet-ing. I told him I was getting in touch with the jobs I'd done to get paid, and it felt funny charging hundreds of dollars for these sites (I haven't made any professionally yet.)

He says don't, it is time consuming, tedious work (particularly the formatting), and I'm actually cutting them a good deal with what I am charging. Basically, he's saying I'm good at what I do, and I'm worth the money, if not more. Good things.

I then recall my ex making the comment that just because I can make a website doesn't make me special. I had showed him one I'd been working on, years ago (this happened years ago, I mean), and that was what he'd said, before walking away. I'd see jobs looking for designers while we were together, and mention applying, and he'd say I didn't have enough experience, they wouldn't hire me, blah blah blah.

Those are the striking contrasts between Nate and the ex that stick out in my mind. I love him because he treats me very well, and appreciates how I treat him in return. Yet I fear he will become that other sort of man, the kind that fears success and ambition from others....I know he doesn't.

But I still expect it, and I don't know why.

The Good: As of right now, I am working on two projects. One pays me $20 an hour, and the other will be roughly $200 once it is complete. And, I'll have another 3 sites to add to my portfolio. Both of those came from a three line ad I placed on Craigslist just over a week ago. Not too shabby, methinks.

And I finally tracked down the url for the site I did for free....twice....right here. Go me.

I had an impromptu phone interview these evening, for a receptionist position for which I applied last week. Interesting thing about this job is that they want someone capable of doing office-y stuff AND creative, marketing stuff as well. Lucky for me, I talk out of my ass pretty well on the fly, so I think I might get a call back to meet them in person. The job won't start until April, but as long as I keep a thing or two going on the side, it should work out pretty well.

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The Bad: My stepfather Bob had a 'cardiac episode' over the weekend. I think his heart got stuck in turbo mode and couldn't slow down. His heart rate was 200+ for at least 35/45 minutes by the time my mom got him to the hospital (and despite my mother's anxiety issues, she is THE PERSON you want in an emergency.) He was shocked twice to get a steady rhythm, and neither attempt worked so they pumped him with drugs. Tomorrow I am going with mom to Munson, where he is being transferred so he can get a stint put in.

He isn't fifty yet, and he is in fairly good shape. He never sits still; he's always moving or doing something. He watches what he eats, always has. He doesn't drink anymore, and he never smoked anything harsher than extra ultra light 100s, and he quit a few years ago. We're all scratching our heads, because he is the person we thought would be the least likely to have any medical condition, never mind having heart problems at this point in his life.

So, hopefully tomorrow they will know what happened, why, how to control it, and whether or not he'll need angioplasty or a bipass or just a little stint. Mom is doing pretty well, considering, and Jenny is a nervous wreck because THINGS ARE DIFFERENT. She's had a rough few months (note for people who have not known me half my life...my sister Jen is developmentally disabled. She's 33, lives with my mother, and is (on good days) about 10 years old mentally and emotionally. Change is not her friend, and unless she has plenty of time to adjust to the idea of something being different, it does not go over well. So, if you'd all say the prayers and whatnot, I would appreciate it. I've grown fond of my step dad over the last 13 years.

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Holy hell!
I found where I want to live: RIGHT HERE!! This place is gorgous....in a very nice neighborhood, sort of a mini-bohemia area of town, its cheaper than most 2 bedroom duplexes AND I could bring Cricket!!! That is the holy part.

The hell part is that Nate is, I believe, ready to give up on finding employment here and is going to be loading up the new jeep to trek outward to Seattle. That in itself is a bridge I won't consider let alone cross right now, but I have a feeling if I spring the whole lets rent this place! on him before he has a 9 to 5 er, he's gonna think I've lost it. The hard part of two independent people who are used to being the responsible ones in relationships coming together is that each automatically acts unilaterally, and often forgets there is someone else there willing to pick up slack. I do it, he does it, and even though we are together, and living in the same place, sometimes I wonder if we'll ever get to the point where we aren't functioning autonomously out of habit.

Seriously, his ex is exactly like mine....I think they could be soulmates.

I have finally succeeded in securing that which I thought I'd never hear my parents utter:

"I never thought you'd do this".

That is right, I seem to have run out of ways to shock, awe, disappoint, and disturb them. I moved in with Nate, finally, all the way, and they are still carrying on about it.

Never mind that my brother has been living with his girlfriend for two years; that is different. He doesn't have children. Eh. Whatever.

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On a happy note, I finally have a Portfolio!!! up and running. Even the little email me box works, go me. Feel free to check it out umpteen times, because that makes google think I am cooler than I really am and I get a better page ranking.

Still no job, but holy cow am I applying for them like a mofo still. Keep the fingers crossed, I really am starting to feel sort of loserish these days.