LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

That last weekend for summer-ness is upon us. I find myself, as I seem to do on every holiday, kidless. It just works out that way, with our alternating weekend schedule. I save my 'oh, hell no's' for the important ones...Turkey Day, Christmas day, ones like that.

But still...being single while knowing mainly married couples presents a sort of challenge. Naturally, being happily married, they like to spend time together (go figure, when I was married that didn't happen much without complaining....), so their respective families have fun things to do....swimming, going on trips, picnics and the like. At night, they want to again spend time with their families. Once in a while I can twist the arm of a married friend to shoot some pool with me, or partake in a brew or two, but it is usually done in haste, so the hubby can be gone home to. And that is fine...I remember those days. I think my divorce motivated more than a few friends to re-examine the quality of their own marriages, and I've seen more than one couple make efforts to remain close. Good for them.

That still leaves me with too much free time and not enough to fill it. So, I sleep. Or, I clean and organize things that don't need to be organized, before I sleep again. I go out, alone once in awhile, to see couples everywhere I look, and begin to wonder what is fundamentally flawed with me that I can not attain the same thing. Then I come back home and .....you guessed it....sleep.

I have began to wonder if I am one of those people who will have a string of relationships, each one better than the previous, yet not destined to be life long. Perhaps I am meant to touch many lives, to show each person a side of humanity they have not previously seen. I have come to understand that people enter and exit my life for a reason, and when it is time for them to go it is because I have learned what I need from them and vice versa. I am on speaking terms with most of my exes, and am fairly close to more than one of them now.

As for the rest of this holiday weekend, I will use it for R and R. Whether or not that is solitary time or I find someone with whom I can fill it, I will enjoy the sun and the warm and the quiet before we return to the pace of school-day life. This will go down as a great summer for me, not only for the extra time I got to spend with the kids (unemployed, but whatever) but because I have come to terms with aspects of my life and my role in this wacky game of life. I met an amazing person, who I can see being a lifelong friend if nothing more, and I was able to settle closer to civilization than I have in a decade.

Besides, the leaves are changing! My favorite time of year is autumn, and if its as warm as I suspect it will be, bonus for me and my digital camera!

I have son the elder and daughter the baby all set for their new school. Both are anxious, of course, about getting to know a new school and teacher and classmates; they are, however, fairly well adjusted kids, and I'm sure within five minutes they will each have a new bestie. Son is in a male teacher's class; the gentlemen is the son of my former fifth grade teacher, and seems like a good guy. He talked to son elder for about five minutes, about this and that, showing him around the classroom, and it wasn't even determined he would be placed in that class. I was glad to hear he got him.

There will be a little boy in the class who, I believe, has spina bifida. I'm expecting son will make friends with this boy fairly quick; he has a compassionate nature and tends to gravitate toward the kids that get overlooked or are on the fringe...and even as young as fourth grade, it is obvious to which clique someone belongs. I think the other little boy is a new student, and I've explained to the son why it is important to make an extra effort with those with special needs--because not everyone understands them, and a lot of times kids will leave others out because they don't know how to start a conversation or something.

But, the clothes are hanging, the old stretched out unders have been tossed, and we're getting back on the bed by eight/up by seven schedule. I'm looking forward to six hours of not screaming time, personally.

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I learned last week that wine makes me talk. Too much. In the middle of what was shaping up to be a fairly decent make out session, I let it slip that I find Mr. Inc , well, amazing is how I put it. His reaction....'I'm leaving in December, and I don't want to make any promises that I might not keep'. Sigh. I knew that. I've come to terms with it, and frankly I don't care, because I enjoy being around him that much. I said even if I never see him after December, this summer and whatever transpires between us over autumn will have been one of the best experiences of my life. Then I passed out. I really need to get the inner monologue fixed or something.

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The ex is driving me nuts again. Nothing in particular, I think I tend to take my frustrations out on him. Maybe he deserves it, maybe he doesn't, I don't know. Lately I've been getting annoyed that we seem sort of interdependent upon each other...over custody, just little things. I'm starting to see the rest of my life shape up to be one where I remain close to him for the children's sake, yet at the same time overseeing him, as well. I'll say something like 'oh, this weekend the kids want to do this' and he'll say 'eh, how about two days instead of three? We need to do X". And I want to scream at him, fuck you, deal with it yourself! No one gives a crap when I'm sick, or tired, or have to run paperwork all over town while toting the kids around. Never did, in the past. But when its his weekends, unless he has three free and clear days to lock them all in the house and do video game rotations, it 'isn't good for him'. The real world is still hidden from view, and I think I am at least in part responsible for keeping it out of sight.

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I'm looking forward to the weekend. Some old pals are coming up this way and want to have a meet up. I can sleep in. Or stay out late. The house will stay clean for at least three days, and perhaps I can pick up where i left off on that make out session (while keeping my mouth shut and thoughts to myself this time.) Final weekend of summer, it seems, is upon us, and I intend to make the most of it.

in terms of the job searching. I've applied for no less than five positions (of graphic and web designing nature) tonight; tomorrow I shall apply to be a Moderately Cognitively Impaired aide, an attendant at an animal shelter, and a receptionist/web content updater. I've decided it is a waste of my time to keep putting in applications around the greater BR area. None of them are hiring, and the one place that does ever hire web designers generally hires friends of current employees (after advertising for the position, of course.)

I have been thinking for awhile now that I am not in the right place. Haven't been in ages, if ever. Just doesn't feel right, you know? It isn't as bad as when I was living in the glorified hunting blind up in LeRoy, but still....things don't seem to mesh well here. Day to day existence is hard enough to achieve, let alone putting away for a future or extracurricular activities. I'm tired of living this life, of imaging my kids doing the same thing in 15 to 20 years.

I've mentioned moving downstate to a few people, and pretty much get met with the same response...."but you can't do that! You won't know anybody!" Its funny....that was the same thing I heard when I'd planned to go to Eastern, from pretty much the same people; I've let other people's doubts about myself become mine for almost my entire life. I don't doubt myself much anymore.

Of course, there are the kidlets to take into account. And, betwixt you and me, I honestly am considering letting them stay with their father for this upcoming school year. While I transplant myself and see what transpires with that. I would have visitation, of course, and keep the joint legal/physical custody as it is, but imagine if at the end of next school year I could move them somewhere where we are comfortable, and not scraping by, with culture and things to see! I teach by example not to be afraid to go to unchartered territory, to blaze new trails so when they grow up and it is time for them to find their own paths, they are prepared to do so.

Still in the pondering stages right now; obviously I am not going to move to GR or Ann Arbor without having myself a job there. But if I land one, and still haven't had so much as an interview here.......

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On a more not cheery note, I have not heard from Mr. Inc in over a week. This in itself is not unusual; he's busy and I'm busy and we're both cool with that. The unsettling part is that last weekend was his monthly Army drill weekend. On Wed. he sent me an email saying he was still on duty (weird, because it was only weekend time--he should have been released last Sunday). That is the last i have heard from him, which tells me he is still not back in town (he calls when he's home, usually, so we can catch up or have dinner or something). He hasn't answered an email, which is strange, because he usually sneaks in an email here or there. Considering that he reported for duty the day after the stuff hit the fan in the Caucuses, and he is a combat engineer (which means he goes in and surveys bomb damage, then fixes it), and Bush is itching to get involved in that mess, I am wondering if he got deployed with little notice (when he went to Iraq he had 12 hours to get his shit and report for deployment.) We'd talked about going camping in a few weeks the last time I saw him (his idea), so I seriously doubt he's doing the 'fall off the face of the planet because he doesn't have the cajones to dump me' thing. Its all just very out of character, and knowing that the Army is doing their best to convince him to sign on for longer when his contract is up in December, I have a very strange feeling about it.

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So, back to the positive. I will keep casting my line out in the job sea, and see what, if anything, bites. Wish me luck!

I brought a bit of a reality check to someone today. Long overdue, perhaps. Actually, there are a few points:

1. I have completely, irrevocably, and undeniably had it with my ex-hubby's parental units. Seems that while son the eldest was away at their place for a week long 'holiday from his mom and siblings, which he NEEDS (their words), they had lots of questions for him and things that he had to know. They wanted to know, in detail, about any 'man friends' I may have brought around. Son the eldest tells them about Mr. Inc, and our jaunt to the lake, but since they had it in their heads my front door is of the revolving nature, they kept plugging away at the poor boy. 'Does Mom ever have other friends come over?' Did Mr. Inc stay the night with her when you guys all went to the lake?' Now, I've raised me a good boy, and he told them nothing but the truth....he rode in the car, bought us lunch, tossed the boys in the waves for a few hours, then promptly got in his car and left when we got back, because he had work to do. Which was, of course, true. Oh, and he gave Mommy a hug. Which he did. They also felt the need to inform my son (9 year old son) that 'your mom doesn't know Jesus, and she is going to go to hell if she doesn't accept him and start living the way he wants her to.' My son had two nervous breakdowns yesterday, and I believe they were caused in part by a feeling of tension, conflicting loyalty (he wanted to tell her she was wrong, but he knows you don't argue with Gramma), and being confused because he couldn't figure out if he had done anything wrong by answering their questions and not standing up for me. I held that boy while he sobbed for half an hour, the whole time wishing I could have five minutes alone with them.

So, part one of my wake up call is this: these people no longer deserve to have a part in my children's lives. And I am not going to put them through it again. From the way he reacted, I know he wasn't making it up. There was no put-on drama or crocodile tears; the kid was literally sobbing with his whole body. I have told them several times in the past if they have something to say to me or want to know something to ask ME directly, and not try to whittle it out of my son. They respect no one and care about no one, and I will extend them the same courtesy where my kids are concerned.

Part Two of the wake up call.....I informed the ex that there is a possibility that I might move out of state at some point. 'What? I thought we were going to live a few blocks away from each other for the rest of our lives?!' Dear, sweet ex-hubby....he suffers from these delusions where he believes if he thinks something is true, it will be so. I explained that I am not going to be content living as I am now forever, so my kids can wind up where we are because there is no chance to sustain let alone better themselves. That while I enjoy the once a week conversations with him, I'm not going to live a few blocks away forever, knowing that in the future he's going to be getting married and living the happy fam life with another woman and my children. He asked me if the guy I'm seeing has anything to do with this, and I said a little....because I see how people thrive and succeed when they step out of their comfort zones and spread their wings and let the winds carry them where they need to be. I told him the hardest thing I ever had to accept was that he wasn't 'mine' anymore, and to let him go and be happy for what he has now. He said he's still working on accepting that. He never was a 'get out of the comfort zone' kind of fellow, the ex; we stayed married as long as we did because he was afraid to NOT be married. I told him I want to have a chance to provide for the kids, to see more of the world and experience new places. He was a little shocked, I think. When I look back now, I see how different we were....I was always trying to rush ahead, down new paths, and he was holding the reins, wanting to move slowly and stay right where he felt safe. Neither of us is wrong, we are just different.

Wake up call #3: During his breakdown yesterday, son the eldest revealed that he wants to spend more time with his Dad. That had been weighing on his mind, as well; wanting to tell me that, but being afraid it would hurt me if he told me that. My son is always hugging me, and saying he loves me, and I know he's doing it so I know I'm loved and feel happy. He has such a big heart. I told him I know he misses his Dad, and thats okay. Its okay, too, to want to stay with him more so he can see him more than a few days every other weekend. We hadn't mentioned to the kids about our plan to split custody more equally, and once I told him that he felt better. Kids see the world in black and white still; the gray areas have yet to emerge, and to him wanting to live with Dad must equal not wanting to live with Mom, which wasn't true, but he feared that is what I would think and it would make me sad. So, he does what all the good M***n men do, and internalize until it comes seething out as anger or a nervous breakdown.

I'm thinking the kid could use a counselor, maybe one session a week would suffice.

I could use a calgon moment followed by an eighteen hour nap. Its been one eff of a draining weekend!!

then I fear my brain is irrevocably haunted. As soon as I believe I am ready to turn a corner and spit in the face of past demons, they show again, and I cower in the corner as I did before. I don't want to do this. I thought I was past all of that, had the little bastards bound and gagged and locked away, never to be seen by my psyche again.

Perhaps I was just in denial? I don't know. The guy I am seeing is incredible. Hence the moniker. Seriously. He's mature. He holds at least two jobs at a time. He doesn't party until the work is done, including the school work. He pays. All the time. He actually asks me in depth questions because he just really, really wants to know my answer. And despite the fact that he could pull off the string of horny college girls by picking them up at bars, that sort of thing completely disgusts him, which is why he's been single for the entire duration of his stay in Big Rapids.

If body language is to be believed, this guy holds me in a high esteem; somewhere below his mother and slightly above Mother Theresa. He uses 'we' alot. He named his dog after me (Jessi) so she would 'grow up to be something, and beautiful'. He spends as much free time as he has (which is next to nothing, with the working and school and finishing up his projects for graduating and doing the Army stuff and maintaining positive friendships). He plays with my hair more than he tries to get down my shirt, and he kisses me goodbye on the forehead. So why aren't we 'together'?

Because I would rather walk across broken glass than start that conversation. He is, I believe, waiting for me to initiate it. One of the things I realized after I'd been on my own for a bit was how I am incapable of initiating intimacy, whether physical or emotional. I can flirt like crazy, with minimal self-consciousness these days; but actually put myself in a place where I could get rebuked? No way, Jose. I had enough of that while I was married.

The ex's family has a propensity for emotional blackmail. They don't think that is what it is; Its just 'how they are'. Oh, and they are control freaks, so if something isn't their idea than it is wrong. Or not something they want, so it doesn't get done. It was like that with the ex. I'd go to hug him and he'd turn on a dime and walk the other direction. I would attempt to cuddle and get a plethora of excuses why that wasn't going to happen. For about eight or nine years of my marriage, we had sex only when it was started by him. I quit trying, realizing it wasn't going to do me any good and I was tired of being shot down and having to internalize the fallout.

Its easy to say 'I won't be this way anymore', but in practice the same anxieties come up. He mentioned that he tends to build relationships slowly; in actuality, he's opened up quite a bit to me and let me in on more than I believe he realizes. I would bring up my own demons, but I really don't want Mr. Inc to think I am some big jumble of mental fucked upness that I expect him to fix; I'm already coming into this with three mini-me's, and he thinks they are great kids and is somewhat intrigued by all of them. I think there are more reasons for him to walk away before its too late, and I don't want to add to that burden.

I'm not looking for an easy answer, I've just been pondering the last few days over which course of action (or inaction) to take....enjoy this slow, getting to know each other better pace and see what transpires, or pull a Shakespere and pronounce my desire to slap a ball and chain on his ass because he's the first adult man I've really known who not only works, but can also clean up after himself AND makes me salads for breakfast. With croûtons. Oh, did I mention he actually brings me coffee?
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Today, Jamie ate the foam covers off my ear buds again (this was a $10 pair), removed the screen from my second story window and tossed it to the ground, slapped my DVD player because it wasn't loading fast enough, and deleted an entire folder of stuff I was doing. 28 more days until he can go back to school. I hope he makes it.