LeighMo's bit of heaven (or hell)

The day began as last year's Christmas Eve began....me, waking in an empty house. I busied myself, wrapping things and making things and running to the store to get last minute things. I had arranged with my mother that she would pick my kids up from their paternal Gparents shindig, and I would meet up with them all at her house, where we would stay the night.

This all hinged upon their father letting me know when he was going to be leaving. He did not; rather, he simply headed home with them, calling me along the way to inform me that it was 'too nasty' for me to venture out, so he'd drop them off at my house. Where we would stay all safe and warm.

I reminded him of the conversation we'd had a mere 16 hours before, and that was not how he recalled it. Whatever. I say I'll meet them at his house, since the gifts are all set out under my tree, the car is packed to leave, my mother really wants us to come, and I really wanted to go.

While I'm waiting, I see his girlfriend and her hag of a mother come outside and get in a car; she asks me if I got a call. I say yes, he said meet me here at 5:45. She asks me when I talked to him; I said around five. She says 'oh, he just called me. They were in an accident up on Northland Drive' and proceeds to turn her back on me, getting into the car.

That was all she said, they were in an accident. In the six minutes it took me to get there, skidding around corners and running red lights, I had some time to think. Which is not good.

I flew off the handle at him as soon as I got there; why wasn't I called? Why did I hear about it in passing? If he has my children with him and they get so much as a papercut, I want to hear about it, firsthand, and before anyone else. I admit, I was pretty much raving like a loon, but I didn't care and I still don't. Two of her kids were in the truck with him, and while I'm not saying she should not have been notified, I really can not for the life of me understand why he thought it would be okay to leave me sitting in his parking lot, in the dark. I yelled at her, for not giving me more details before turning her back on me. I yelled at him, for not calling me and telling me what was going on. I yelled at her mother, when she tried to step in front of me to get to teh car first, and I pretty much told all three of them to just stay out of my way while I collected the kids from the truck.

It was a minor accident, only a bumper and a tail light were injured, but that really is not the point, I don't believe. I have never liked being kept in the dark, and I don't like the implication that I am not worthy enough to even warrent a phone call. I see myself being pushed out of their lives, little by little, and I'm wondering why.

We made it to my mother's without incident, driving about 40 during the blinding wind outs and turning easy on the slushy curves. I bought a bottle of captain and had a rum and coke when I got here. Mom and I wrapped some gifts, and I tucked everyone into bed ( or a reasonable facsimile thereof) twice. My dad is going into his annual slep-through-Christmas-day nap, and I most likely wil not see my brother tomorrow at all.

It is finally Christmas morning; I survived another Christmas Eve. Now I think I'll go decompress, see if I can get rid of the urge to sob once and for all.

Hey baby, here ya go:

1. You can be a new character in any novel, movie, or t.v. series. What would you choose, and how would you fit into the plot?
Going to go with novel here. It is not my favorite novel by any stretch, but in Dean Koontz's Odd Thomas, there is Odd (the hero) and Stormy (his girlfriend). Now, they have a very close, celibate relationship, and before they can get married and consummate it, something happens. That is THE ONLY STORY I have ever read that completely shocked me with the plot line, and brought me to tears. I would be a character, just a random extra to not take away their thunder, who would change the course of the story and let it have a happily ever after. Because Odd is a good guy. If you haven't read the story, do it. Its great.

2. You can give one special quality or trait to each of your children to help them succeed in life. What would you choose for each and why?
For Connor, I would grant him the power to problem solve. That poor child screams the sky is falling the minute a twig is placed in his way. He is so smart, yet he appears to be the kind of person that can only handle life when it goes according to schedule. That is not a good way to be, and leg up in that department would help him immensely.

For Jamie, I would grant him the ability to perceive danger. Of all his traits and quirks, that is the only one I would change, mostly to ensure he stays safe. I wouldn't want him any other way, and while he may not achieve material success, it can't be ruled out. Temple Grandin is Autistic, an engineer, and an author, so I never put limitations on that as far as he goes.

For Liv, I would grant her the ability to protect herself at all times, whether it is simply standing up for herself, screaming NO! at the top of her lungs when others try to harm her, or beating the hell out of somebody for trying to hurt her physically. I don't want her to ever think somebody has the right to harm her simply because she is a child, and as she grows older I don't want her to think she doesn't deserve anything less than to be treated fairly and with respect, at all times.

3. When/how did you know that Nate was the guy for you? Describe the moment.
This is going to sound insane, but I saw his profile on yahoo singles. I read his profile. And for three days I kept thinking I HAD to get in touch with him.
And I wasn't going to, because he was out of town and only had one child vs. my three. I finally couldn't take the thought running through my head so I tracked
him down on myspace (because I don't think I should have to pay to talk to somebody.) Turned out, he'd put the profile up the day before that, and took it down
two days later. We started emailing and met in person a few weeks later and were completely blown away by how quickly we connected.

So, to answer your question, the moment I laid eyes on him.

4. You have died and gone on to the afterlife. Which person, famous or not, do you look for first? What would you say to her or to him?
My Aunt Barbera. She committed suicide when she was 25; she had 3 girls under the age of 5. She was the sister to whom my mother was closest, in age and
emotionally. I would like to tell her how her absence affected her entire family, her children, and the ones who came after she passed. I think my mother still misses her very much. I would like to meet her.

5. What is your best quality, in your opinion.
The way I treat people. I don't use them, I don't play games with them, and unless I am given a damned good reason to not like someone, I generally like everyone.
Even if given a damned good reason, I will most likely forgive it at least once, and if I don't then I drop the person and do not continue with
bullshit games. I love easy, but it is genuine, and if I say I care about you, it isn't just a word.

So, I'm beginning to see signs that my upcoming trek to GR is meant to be and fated by a higher existence than myself....I've applied for three, 3, tres jobs barista-ing in the last week. Seriously. And they are all hiring, or taking the apps now, to hire someone immediately after the new year.

Which is when I will be there. See how that is working out? I thought so.

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I am done with the holiday shopping and stuff. Seriously, it was kind of a white elephant Christmas, complete with some re-gifting and lots of thrift store finds and treasures, but you know what? I can definitely say more thought went into each person for whom I bought, and more care was taken than I usually display when shopping at those big box places and the like. I.E. My former sister in law Jess loves taking baths. Seriously she does it like twice a week, to soak and relax and all that. I had a bath gift set from last year, hadn't even opened it (I don't do baths, i'm a shower kind of girl), so I gave her that. Didn't cost me anything AND she'll love it and use it. I found Nate a wine decantor with six goblets for eight bucks. He loves wine and collects wine-y stuff, so yay. Its easy, when you look in the not so obvious places.

For my parents/sister/brother/Bri I am giving them each pictures. I took the kids and had some real, honest to God pictures taken, complete with matching outfits (they were fly, yo). For what I spent on the package, it averages out to a ten dollar gift for each of them. And they will love them. I haven't told any of them I did it, so it will be a surprise. I had a shot or two taken with me and them, so I'll have a good picture of the four of us together, smiling, clean, and nobody hitting anyone. I might cry when I see them.
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The whole moving in with nate thing has me freaking a bit. What if I move in, and in a week he decides its not working? Its been two years of me living on my own, and I think about that long for him, as well. I'm there a lot, but not constantly. Ideally I'd move in when I have a job, but it will be easier to find the job and actually get to it if I'm there, rather than here. I guess it is going to be a leap of faith, at least a little, and he has done nothing but prove he deserves that. Nobody ever tells you how hard it is to trust the fact that you trust someone, after living so long distrusting everything around you.
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Peanut butter white chocolate chip cookies. Tre yummy. Try it, Santa will love them ;0)

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I do not get my mail until well after five p.m. I live approximately six blocks from the post office, and yet I never seem to see my mail until the following morning. I find this ridiculous, for several reasons that vary in importance, but mostly because I live, say it with me, six blocks from the post office.

I understand this is prime mailing season; I am even understanding of that. However, part of being a professional, responsible adult is adjusting to stressful situations on the job, and handling them. Even with the extra package handling and the blowing wind, surely there is no reason for my mail deliverer to be more than three hours past the normal time? One should not have to travel with pepper spray and a flashlight to get her mail.

I ran into her this evening, as she pulled up to the box I was approaching it. She decided to go load two other mailboxes first (each 'box' has twelve mini boxes, one for each row of apts). I stand there, in the less-than-zero-with-wind-chill air, waiting and watching. As she approached my mailbox with mail for my building, another carrier pulled up (I guess to take some stuff and help her finish her route.) Three residents are standing there waiting for our mail; she tosses our mail into her truck, walks around the back, and stands there talking with this other carrier.

I stayed until my cheeks started to hurt and went back inside. It would have taken her about thirty seconds to load the boxes, instead of watching people stand outside to get their mail which she was dangling over our heads. I fully intend to file a complaint with the post master, and Lord as my witness, if mail doesn't start coming before the bank closes on a daily basis, I will not be happy.

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When the ex took the children to his parents' home for Thanksgiving, he let them know after the new year they would reside with him. He told them it was a mutual agreement between us, the children were looking forward to it, and it had been his idea, not mine. All points covered, and they seemed pleased and mildly surprised.

So, imagine my surprise today when I hear it through a grapevine that Bri 'took them away from me', and I fought him on it, but ultimately my poor parental skills were the cause of me losing them. WTF??

Wait, thats right. Since I'm no longer part of the 'clan', all I do must be bad, and I must be vilified at every opportunity, and nothing can be acheived without all out war. I think in lieu of a Christmas card this year, they are going to get a letter, asking them to erase me from their memory. I am not even upset, really, because upset would imply a level of surprise, and nothing they have done for years has surprised me. I passed along 'what really happened' to Bri, and he said he would straighten them out. And he apologized. Seriously....how many of you have to apologize to other people for the stupid shit that comes out of your parents' mouths?!

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This is the third Monday that school has been cancelled on the 'offchance' of inclement weather. I am all for safety, but even the national weather service said the shock freeze would be hit and miss, and may not occur at all. But they chose to close school anyway.

I had to reschedule an interview. An interview at a coffee roasting/selling facility that comes equipped with an espresso machine for barista-ing. They want me down there ASAP to speak with them, and I want to do it. They need someone after January 1; I need a job starting after Jan. 1. So, I was not happy when I couldn't find a sitter at the last moment, and lucky for me, the interviewer is very understanding and said not only could I reschedule, but she was glad I didn't make the trip on such 'nasty roads'.

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Thats my list of slapping for the day. I've had good news, too. Nate had an interview for IT support with a car dealership that runs two lots; one is the luxury import dealership, and the other is a honda/toyota dealership. It was more of an informal lunch to decide if he is going to be interviewed, but he thought it went well, the guy with whom he had lunch was very interested in him and what he's done at other places, and N is a freaking networking genius so I told him to think optimistic. If we both find jobs relatively fast, that would be awesome. Neither of us likes idle time much, nor do we like being broke and not being able to help the other. He wants me to stay with him, and I don't want to unless I can help him with the expenses. Sort of a catch 22, it seems.

Did you want to smack somebody today?

I remember growing up thinking I lived in the best state. We made cars; everyone loved cars. Needed them, a necessity. They came in all colors and sizes, with fancy features that seemed to put the old ones to shame every years.

My mother and her sisters and brothers were housed and fed by money made by making cars; four of my uncles supported their families by building cars. Heck, my mother worked in the mailroom of a Buick headquarters office when I was young; UAW was a way of life, a means to provide and protect.

I fear the industry is dead; without the bailout, GM is slated to be out of money in a few weeks. I wonder if this is how the Romans felt when their perfect utopia collapsed; confused as to how a giant could become so insignificant, and how to try and regain the strength once it is gone for good.

I have watched this four season wonderland of mine collapse over the last six or so years. Towns that used to have charm and character are skeletol at best. There is no hope, only for sale signs that fall on blind eyes and empty pocketbooks. People are confused; how does one put thirty years of their life into their work, building things and giving their all, to be told there pension could stop coming or disappear, that the health care their spouses paid into to see them through their golden years alone is going to end? It will trickle down, on a scale much, much larger than I have seen, and frankly, I am not looking forward to it.

The lakes will still ebb and flow, and the winds will still blow their blizzardy whiteness across the open fields, but how long until all of us have fled for greener job pastures? How long until we see depression era sights, like families living on streets and pickpockets hitting the super walmart for their dinners? Will my grandmother lose what she's been living on since my grandfather died; will my ex's uncle and grandmother continue to live in their happy post-GM retirement lifestyle, or will they be as broke as I once that big third goes belly up?

When you say your prayers tonight, say one for the people of the state, for the companies that aren't running scared and already laying off. Say one that the monkey in chief does something useful and taps the TARP to help. Say one so that it does not get as bad as I fear it does, and if it does, say one so that I can get me and mine out of here so we don't have to huddle around a barrel for warmth. I am not exaggerating; desperation is setting in, I see it in people's faces.

1. Do you like blue cheese? No. It stinks. Let's talk feta though....yummy.

2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No. And neither has anyone else. Crack gets smoked, not heroin.

3. Do you own a gun? When I was still in unholy wedded-ness, I owned a by way of the husband (they were his), a deer rifle and an antique rifle he inherited from his Grandfather.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? What is Sonic?

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? No. I get annoyed that I have to be there.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? Just eat trash....its probably healthier and cheaper.

7. Favorite Christmas movie? National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Coffee.

9. Can you do push ups? Why would I?

10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My mother's ring...black hills gold with a garnet, rose quartz crystal, and a ruby. My kids are color co-ordinated!

11. Favorite hobby? Shooting pool.

12. Do you have A.D.D? Sometimes I wonder.

13. What is one trait you hate about yourself? Self-doubt

14. Middle name? Leigh, in memorium of my older sister.

15. What is your favorite TV show or movie? TV show = What Not To Wear, Movie = Empire Records

16. Name 3 things you bought yesterday. Cigs, bag of Starbucks, little candy decorating thingees

17. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Coffee, coffee, espresso

18. Current worry? finding a job, transitioning

19. Current hate right now? That the jobs are winning this war of hide and seek, it seems.

20. Favorite place to be? The Muskegon River in Big Rapids. Its so quiet and beautiful.

21. Where would you like to go? Pacific NW or Ireland

22. Name three people who will complete this? Bennett, she can do it three times.

24. What shirt are you wearing? a dragon one I reclaimed when my exhusband moved out. It was his, and I liked it, so I traded...if he gave it to me, I wouldn't say mean things about his girlfriend for a whole day. It was hard, but I have the shirt =0)

25. What year would you go back in time to? 1985. I'd change something that happened, which would make my life from that point on much, much, better.

26. Can you whistle? A bit.

27. Favorite color? green

28. Would you be a pirate? Can I make out with Orlando??

29. Favorite girl’s name? Besides my daughter's name, Tatiana or Anastasia. I love Russian names.

30. Favorite boy’s name? Besides the sons' names, Seamus. Good thing the daughter was a she, because that was my last chance to name a boy that and the baby daddy wasn't having any part of it.

31. Last thing you dreamed about? I don't recall, but it was hella weird.

32. What’s in your pocket right now? Hot pockets

33. Last thing that made you laugh? A comment on Alex's blog, confirming that men REALLY do have a thing for cheerleading uniforms.

34. Best Halloween costume? I totally rocked a hot Wednesday Addams this year.

35. Worst injury you’ve ever had? severely sprained (in two places, thank you) right ankle.

36. Do you like where you live? No. There are no jobs, I'm surrounded by white trash (and I don't just throw that term around), there is no originality in this town anymore, and my dear is an hour away. Meh.

37. How many TVs do you have in your house? 1

38. Who is your loudest friend? My friend Steve. He can't talk below holler.

39. How many dogs do you have? 1, although I think she is becoming my father's dog.

40. Does someone have a crush on you? No, he absolutely freaking adores me.

41. What is your favorite book(s)? Are you my mother, by P.D. Eastman. Favorite one to read to the wee M's.

42. What is your favorite candy? Junior Mints

43. Favorite Sports Team? um...

44. Favorite Sports? billiards, playing volleyball

45. What were you doing 12 AM last night? Talking to Nate. Well, messaging with Nate. We message.

46. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Something along the lines of 'eehhhhh?'

It has been a very long weekend/week. Where shall I start....

Friday night I went to see my dear. Its only an hour drive, goes by fast, and frankly, I love the drive now. Hopping around in traffic gives me a buzz of sorts, so it was fine. Saturday, I left with the intention of picking up my kids so they could go to his daughter's birthday party later that day; I didn't let the raging blizzard stop me from heading North.

After 45 minutes I'd traveled about 12 miles. So, I turned around and retreated. Not because I was scared, or because I had any mishaps. No, the car handled fine, other drivers were actually not going kamikazee. It occurred to me that by the time I got the kids and drove down, the party would be over and the snow would be deeper. So, logic prevailed and I had to break 4 hearts that day (my 3 and his 1.)

I was around the corner from arriving back into the haven that is Nate's, when I spun out. Badly. Scared the shite out of me darn near, and lucky for me there was no traffic in the three lanes I spun. Got back, parked, and vowed never again to leave the house until the snow had retreated for good.

Naturally, that did not happen.

I got through that, the party was fun, Sunday was fun, Monday was a chillax/put apps around town sort of day. I was working on resumes when my mother called me.

"Please come up here, nobody can come stay the night!"

"Mom, I'm not at home"

"As long as you're here by the time Bob gets up for work in the morning, thats good."

I got off the phone, shut my lap top, and curled up, with my head on Nate's lap. He asked if I was going to have to leave; I said yes, something to which I had to attend. I told him a bit of mom's history, and he rubbed my head while I spoke. An hour later, I was pulling away, trying to figure out what I would say when the time came to say it.

I got to her house about 9pm, as the snow was starting to fall again. I didn't think much of that, because I had more pressing matters on mind. She started describing the plans she'd made, that she could get so and so to come over when I had my kids, and when I didn't I could stay with her. I'd get this for payment, or that. I told her that the kids were going to live with their Dad after the holidays; she asked me why I would give my children away like that.

I told her they wanted to go. He wanted them there. That I had a choice, keep them unhappy and getting angrier by the day at me for withholding what they want, or deal with people thinking I was giving my kids away and letting them be happy. She asked where she'd gone wrong with me, and i said nowhere. All the years of watching her sacrifice weren't for nothing; I didn't want this, yet I knew it was what I had to do for them. She left it alone after that.

I told her I wouldn't move in with her. Or stay with her. I informed her that I want to relocate to Grand Rapids. She apologized for being such a burden (which I didn't think she was), for not being able to handle herself. I told her I would be there, a call away, if she needed to hear someone's voice. I would visit more often, make the effort. That Brian would work with her so she could see the kids as well, and that at least one day on my weekend visits we'd spend the day or night with her at her house. But I would not, could not, move in and simply let her continue to be afraid of living her life.

In high school, I thought I was doing the right thing. Now I see that I wasn't. I don't want to 'tough love' her. I told her I wanted to be somewhere where I had at least a chance of surviving on my own and not because of the system (which is going to be cut all to hell anyway, and without which I've been surviving anyway). That in five months I have had one call back, one interview, despite applying everywhere around here twice.

Part of it is motivated by Nate, I won't deny it, but only a small part. Even if he weren't in my life, I knew the time was coming to make a big change. I've felt it for a long time. There simply isn't anything here for me. There won't be anything for my kids. I had them all to myself while their Dad missed out making sure we had enough to get by; perhaps the tables need to be turned so we can better understand what the other side of the coin is like.

I was going to leave Tuesday morning, but awoke to find the driveway shut tight with snow and my car buried under a blankie of the crap. So I stayed Tuesday night as well, without a choice since nobody was plowing while the storm raged. She seemed a little more grounded, telling my sister that they would be fine, if they found themselves getting scared or sad to think of something good, find something else to do. My sister is as anxiety driven as my mother these days, and always has been a creature of habit.

I finally got home today around five pm, completely exhausted and drained. I love my family, most people don't see it, but I do. I would do anything for them, including deny them what they want because I know it is not what they need. My mother hugged me last night, put her arms around me and squeezed. I think I hugged her back; I was too surprised to be sure. She held me for a few minutes, before whispering 'thats about 30 years overdue, and I'm sorry'.

That is the second time I can remember my mom hugging me. Affection scares us, always has. I guess facing her fears is her new modus operandi.

I am apparently the first one who comes to mind. At least, to my mother's mind. I have, I suppose, over the last eight or so years convinced myself that mom had gotten over some of her more debilitating phobias and has been functioning as a "normal" person (whatever that means.)

Well, that is not the case. I hadn't realized that in my place, she had put my Grandmother. My 91 year old Grandmother had been living with her for six years, so was always home with her. Went everywhere in the car with her, unless my step father was accompanying her. For six years, mom has been unknowingly enabling herself, continuing with the phobias and behaviors that kept her locked up for so many years.

She called me yesterday, saying Grannie had been moved out. My uncle and an aunt come up at 8 in the morning, tossed my Gran's stuff in the truck, and moved her out lock, stock, barrel in under an hour. Mom was told if she tried to stop or hold my grandmother back, she'd be subject to a police inspection for abused elderly people (my mother has never abused my grandmother, stolen from her, or anything of that nature.) We are not sure what has motivated the aunt and uncle (brother and sister, not husband and wife) to come do an early morning snatcheroo; either Grannie has been telling tales in her evergrowing state of delirium, or somebody recently took out a life insurance and policy and realized that at 90+ years of age, no one would question an elderly woman going to sleep for good. I trust none of those people, and am not happy with the turmoil they have caused my mother and sister, both of whom do not handle change well.

So, my mother wants me to move in with her. So she won't have to face being alone for any period of the day, so she can have a traveling companion. She knows I hate living out in the BFE. She knows I have no desire to go to Cadillac. She knows that I can't be around her for more than a few hours before we both start to bristle around each other. But she is scared, scared because she is still held in fear of being isolated, being without help if an emergency happens.

I was preparing to tell her that my kids are moving in with their Dad, and that I am preparing to move to Grand Rapids, but I think I should hold back for awhile. The thought that I might come to her rescue seems to be keeping her grounded; I think she knows it won't happen, but she is hanging on to a maybe because I can't tell her outloud that I won't do it.

She doesn't expect my brother to do it, but then again, I was the one was there for her when all of this stuff started, some 15/16 years ago. I don't know how well my step dad will handle this, either; he has been sheltered from it, for the most part, because my brother was always around until my grandmother moved in, so I don't think he really understands the nuances of her phobias, how restrictive her life can become.

Am I bad, then, because I have yet to run up there? My suggestion to her was to find a therapy group; I know they exist. She just wants more meds and someone else to take the place of my grandmother.

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I got laid off last week, so there goes the eight bucks an hour to do not much work. I have to admit, it was getting old, being stuck at home five hours a night with nothing to do. I am looking in both BR and GR, figuring wherever I find work first will be where I hang my hat, at least most of the time. Nate wants me to move in with him after the first, but I'd rather be able to pay my way before I do that. I think he gets why, even if he thinks it doesn't make much sense. I will not be kept, whether real or imagined again, and living somewhere where I can't say I've paid my own way is what that would feel like. It is weird still, being with someone who is more of a giver than a taker, and since we're both givers and not used to that dynamic in another we are getting used to it. But he works with me, and I with him, and that is but one of the reasons I love him so.

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My kids are getting excited about Christmas, and about moving in with their dad. I am still not sure how I am going to handle that. One day at a time, I suppose, and try to stay as busy as possible. Bri is excited too, its hard to believe the guy that never changed a diaper or gave a bottle is gung ho at the prospect of caring for all three at a time. Maybe that is what motivated him to ask me......he realized they would have no memories of him caring for them, just as they have few memories of me actually doing anything fun with them (because I'm usually busy taking care of them or cleaning up after them.) Sometimes I still wonder why it was impossible for us to get the whole happy family thing right....we can do it on our own, independently, but together? We'd trip over each other, or fight about how happy families do things, or what anything meant. Gar.